Happy Hanukkah 2010

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, “Praise Morey Amsterdam.” Yeah, that’ll work.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs.

They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude to the Almighty by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to earn millions and ultimately take over the world. Those people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over and control the media in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house by sending them on luxurious trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

If I ever get the chance to bang the burning bush of Sarah Silverman, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa.”

To all of my Jewish friends out there, eat, drink, be merry, and bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV, Holofernes, and Mel Gibson.

Cheers and L’Chaim!!

Oy Vay!! Don’t forget to catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Friday night at 11 PM EST.

We will be celebrating Hanukkah with our Jew-a-Palooza. Also if you’d like to be our Blogger of the Week, email either one of us and let us know, and we will interview you live on air.

You can go to our BTR page by clicking HERE.

Hanukkah 2009: Let The Jew-a-Palooza Begin!!

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, Praise Judah!! Yeah, that’s cool.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs. They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having such acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to gross millions and ultimately take over the world. These people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over many industries in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house as often as they can by sending them on trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and shopping sprees in the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

From now on, if I happen to become the target of affection from say Barbra Streisand, in addition to James Brolin becoming even more irrelevant, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa”.

Anyhoo…Where was I? Oh that’s right…Hanukkah.

To all of my Jewish friends out there, of which I have none, eat, drink, bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV and Holofernes, and all that happy Hanukkah crap.

And now, one of my favorite songs by Peter, Paul, and Mary and inspired by the plight of the Maccabees…

Happy Hanukkah and L’Chaim!!

Yom Kippur...Day of Atonement: Pray And Fast All You Want My Jewish Friends, But Please, Take A Bath

Sunday at sundown marked the beginning of the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur…The Day of Atonement.

In Judaism, this 25 hour period of Yom Kippur marks the end of the annually occurring High Holy Days, or as I call it… Jew-a-Palooza.

As the name, The Day of Atonement implies, it is a period of repentance.

Those of the Hebrew faith will be asking for absolution from God Almighty for their lapses of good behavior and transgressions against the Heap Big Holy Cheese, Hizzelf.

Many of the Torah Toters will be praying, fasting, and avoiding work. Some will participate in other, more disturbing Yom Kippur rituals…

No Wearing of Leather Shoes…I don’t get that. I can see where they might not wear shoes made of pigskin, but leather?

No Bathing or Washing…Holy Moses!!

I bet that today, there are quite a few packed synagogues that will smell less like a gaggle of Jewish chicks at a Palm Beach perfume counter and more like a gang of sweaty Palestinian arms smugglers burrowing a new tunnel through the Gaza Strip. Whew!!

No Marital Relations…Ha. I guess if one is married to a Jewish babe, why should this day be any different than the rest of the year? I do wonder, however…Does this mean that Extra-Marital relations are acceptable?

Anyhoo…

While I am not Jewish, I think I too, will seek atonement with the G-Man today. I will ask forgiveness for throwing a goose egg at the High School Marching Bad Director and hitting him on the ass at the start of my sophomore year.

I will atone for agreeing to an appointment with a window salesman who drove around for an hour looking for my house when all along I was living in this apartment complex of some 100 units.

I will beg forgiveness for the existence of Carrot Top. God won’t take responsibility for him, let alone any mortal, so on behalf of all humanity, I will man up and accept the blame. Please forgive me.

Today, while Glenn Beck is sneaking a Big Mac or six on his National Day of Fasting and Prayer to Save Our Republic, I the Matt-Man, will be on my knees in holy supplication mode.

If there are any hot Jewish babes out there who would like to get on their knees with me, I would be more than happy for you to join me.

After all, as I pointed out earlier, only Marital Relations are a no-no on this day, so we could get together and do a little Yom Kippurrrrring.

To my friends of the Jewish persuasion, I bid you, Mazel Tov, Shalom, and a solemn sin shedding Yom Kippur.

And to ye of all faiths, or lack thereof…

Cheers!!

Rosh Hashanah: Happy Jewish New Year 2009...Or Is That 5770?

Mozel Tov, and Happy Rosh Hashanah to all of my Jewish friends.

Today marks the first day of the Jewish New Year which began at sunset last night and runs through sunset on Sunday the 20th.

In other words: “It’s Time to Party Like It’s 5770!!”

Yeah, the Jews just had to have their own nation to go along with their own calendar. Selfish Bastards…Or should that be, Sel-gefilte-fish Bastards!?

They are so damn non-conformist. It’s no wonder that no one likes them.

Anyhoo…

From now until Sunday evening, every Jew from here to Haifa will be celebrating and praying their Semitic asses off, and blowing on the god awful horn that is the shofar.

The Jews can’t use a trumpet like other folks; noooooo, they have to blare on their Heeb Horn, because it is tradition!!

Instead of blowing on your shofar, why not just spiel with my shvantz until I plotz, my Abrahamic friends!?

Perhaps in writing this commentary, I am actually displaying some deep jealousy of the Jewish people. After all, their New Year’s bash lasts three days this year.

In addition to their moaning and wailing, they’ll be eating and partying all weekend.

They’ll be feasting on apples dipped in honey, kugels, and fish heads…

Okay maybe I’m not all that jealous. But, I do dig that they’ll be tipping back more than a few bottles of Manischewitz.

Hmmmmm? No, that doesn’t even do it for me. I mean Manischewitz is Kosher Wine. That doesn’t even sound good.

Let’s see…Kosher Wine, or Bagwine? No, I’m sticking with the Wild Irish Rose.

Maybe I need to immerse myself into the Jewish culture. I don’t really hang around with any Jews. I grew up and went to school with a few.

In fact in High School, I schtupped a hot, Jewish babe. Her name was Sarah Hyman, and no, I’m not kidding. That was her name.

And let me tell ya, her name was quite appropriate because that chick had one zaftig lady-knish. Yum-Oh!!

I worked with a guy who has a fairly devout Jew when I was with SEIU. His name was Jason Perlman and he was our website guy. Man, he was a hoot.

He was probably 25 or so at the time and this solemn Jewish guy lived with two strippers. And these two pole dancin’ honeys were smokin' hot. I used to call him, Schlong Dong Silverstein.

He always joked that if he were to get a tattoo it would be a serial number on his arm. Ha. And you guys think I’M rude. He had some seriously funny Jew-a-Tude going on.

So there you have it…My wish for a very Happy Jewish New Year to all of the Jews that I will probably never meet.

I hope this year is one of health and happiness. I would wish you prosperity as well, but as we know, you don’t need help with that…Damn Moneychangers.

Lochheim!!

From Gaza City to Muscle Shoals

I hate to see the continuing violence that is taking place between Israel and the Palestinians.

It hurts me on a personal level.

You see, I have both Arab and Jewish roots. How so, you ask?

Well I have a distant relative who back around 823 A.D. was an Arab camel and goat trader named Ahmatt bin-Baghwine.

My Jewish roots? I looooove The Three Stooges.

I think I have a solution that will end this ongoing and archaic violence.

Here is my plan that I call: Operation Yellowhammer.

Listen up my Arab friends, or as I should call you, my Pal-estinians. Ha!!

Israel appears that it will exist as a nation for awhile, so get over it.

I don’t care how many rockets, mortar shells, and dirt clods Hamas hurls at Israel, the only thing you’ll get in return is a Yahwehpalooza-Sized Can of Kosher Whoop Ass leveled against you!!

So my pals, I have a plan to extricate you from the dirt paradise that is Gaza and move you to what will be your Land of Goat’s Milk and Honey. Where…?

Alabama!!

That’s right my friends. I will transplant all of you into the Southern utopia that is the 22nd state of the U.S.A.

It’s not like any of the other states would be upset that we are giving it you to do with it as you will.

Hell, even during the Civil War, the Confederacy didn’t really want them.

The rebel government felt that neatness counted…so they decided to let ’Bama join so their new country would have that neat, contiguous look.

Now once you're there, the United States will not get involved, however, some in Alabama may want to put up a fight.

Don’t worry too much ‘bout that.

You see, you’d be facing off against the Alabama National Guard and trust me…

If George W. Bush’s history with that unit is any indication of how they operate, most of the members are AWOL and no one knows it!!

Without the National Guard protection, the citizens may call in the University of Alabama football team to defend against you.

No worries. The Alabama football team got their lunch handed to them in the Sugar Bowl, by a team from Utah. Utah of all places!!

If that team can’t defend itself against an opponent from the Land of the Osmonds, I don’t think they’ll offer much resistance to your rockets and mortar shells.

So there you have it. Alabama is all yours for the asking. You’ll enjoy cable TV, access to the Gulf of Mexico, real houses, and even hot showers…

Of course, if pictures of the late Yasser Arafat are any indication, hygiene isn’t on the top of your list.

The best thing about this plan? You wouldn’t be living next to Jews anymore. Why would you want to?

Holy Cow, in our country we have people who pay top dollar to play golf in Country Clubs and live in gated communities that don’t allow Jews.

You’d be the envy of a large segment of Americans, but don’t get a big head...

In spite of their envy, those envious folks wouldn’t want to associate with you guys either.

So my Pal-estinians, there’s my offer. You may want to consider it because other than for propaganda purposes, none of the other Arab countries give a crap about you.

If you say yes, and move here…you’ll all be singing Sweet Home Alabama in no time.

Or would that be, Sweet Home Ali-Baba-ma? Peace Out…

Cheers!!

Hanukkah Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry...For Killing Our Savior

Well folks, Christmas is just three days away, but today is the first day of Hanukkah.

So, I think it only appropriate that I take time today to give a shout out and a blow on the shofar to our Messiah Killin’ Jew friends.

Actually, Hanukkah began at sunset Sunday night. That’s appropriate, since the first day of Winter began as well, and…

We all know how frigid those Jew chicks can be. But, this post is about the love I have for my Jewish brothers and sisters.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to light a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So they cut a deal with God and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews broke their deal with God, and killed his only begotten son.

Give a Jew an inch of candle wick and he’ll take a mile…or your only offspring.

I guess during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, and knishes. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling and they can admire themselves while having the hoo-ha humidified or their Shabbat salad tossed.

And well, that’s about it. Oh, there’s the whole dreidel thing, but is spinning a wooden top, really something to get excited about?

I’ll take Santa Claus over a block of wood with Hebrew writing all over it anytime. Hell, the damn thing probably spins right to left anyway. To me, that’s just not kosher.

In spite of all of that, I hope you guys have a lovely holiday. I am, after all, all about the love, joy, and togetherness of the season.

In fact, I hope your Hanukkah is filled with smiles as wide as the West Bank, laughter as loud as an Teheran marketplace, and bacon…

Lots and lots of bacon.

Cheers!!

Holidays on the Horizon

Can you believe it?

In less than three weeks, the holiday season will begin once again.

First Thanksgiving, followed less than four weeks later by the birthday of the Holy Baby Jeebus, and nestled ‘tween the two, the celebration of Hanukkah for the followers of those who killed the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Ironic, no?

This year is a bit interesting because Hanukkah begins at sunset on December 21st. Thusly, its eight day run will overlap Christmas.

Hmmmmm. Christians and Jews whoopin’ it up at the same time? Can this be good? And exactly how can one incorporate the two?

I have a couple of ideas.

Instead of hanging mistletoe, I thought of hanging a bouquet of bitter herbs in the doorway.

And instead of kissing the person one may meet ‘neath it, the two can kvetch about their bursitis, how their kids just don’t call anymore, and that Palm Beach just isn’t what it used to be.

I really like the song Ave Maria, but this year I’ll be singing Oy Vay Maria. I will make my dozens of Christmas toasts using Manischewitz instead of Wild Irish Rose.

Jewish Bagwine at its best, Bitches!! Or should I say…Jewish Bagwine at its best, Chalerias!!

I will still put out a bowl of Egg Nog, but the edibles at my Christmas soiree’ will consist of not only a ham, but a make-your-own knish table as well.

And you know what I will call it don’t ya? That’s right, the Crucifixin’s Bar!! Ha, a timeless Bagwine classic.

Living in an apartment building, I don’t have a chimney, but if I did, instead of an inflatable Santa on top if it, I would place an inflatable Moses holding two large fruitcakes atop the roof.

Mo, Mo, Mo, Merry Hanukkah, kiddies!! I tell ya, this has possibilities. The Christmas lights around my living room window? This year they will be blue and white.

I guess I should come up with a name for this combination celebration.

Hanukkristmas? Christmakkah? How about, Three Wise Men and a Jew Day? I’ll get back with ya on that. Feel free to offer suggestions.

Oh, one other new tradition…

On Christmas morning, instead of hosing Schmoop beneath the Christmas tree, I’m gonna stick my schmeckel in her hoo-ha next to a warm and glowing menorah.

But, keeping with the Christmas feel, the candles will be pine scented.

Have a great Saturday all.

Cheers!

Debbie Schlussel: Three Candles Short of a Menorah

It's almost Easter and what's goin' on in the Holy Land? Well...

Those wacky Israelis and Palestinians are at it again. They have been in mediation through the Egyptians, in an attempt to bring about a cease-fire.

When will the Israelis understand that there can be no peace with Hamas, and vice versa.

These two groups are like oil and water, or in this case wine and tea.

Some people here in the States are up in arms that Israel is even talking to Hamas. Who are these people who are up in arms, you ask?

Well, people like Debbie Schlussel…

Ms. Schlussel, who is pictured wearing something that looks as though Sean Hannity just threw up on, writes a Pro-Israel/Anti-Muslim Blog.

She loves all things Jewish, wants every Muslim dead, and believes that Islamo-Fascists have infiltrated Wal*Mart.

Ms. Schlussel also seems to be the victim of several incidents of blunt force trauma to her head.

In fact, right now, she probably believes that somewhere in Los Angeles, Kareem Abdul Jabbar is plotting the destruction of the Staples Center.

Anyway, if you are like me, you realize that there can be no peace, and frankly, I’m a little tired of giving Israel 3 Billion Shekels of U.S. taxpayers’ geld a year.

And for what…

We don’t prop up Israel because they are a “shining beacon of democracy” in the Middle East.

We do it because Evangelical nut jobs, like John Hagee, say that God tell us we must.

The only return we get on our investment?

Twice a year, over-cosmeticized, over-accessorized, Hebrew women make a pilgrimage to Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale. Oy Vay!!

If I were to be elected President, I would make one last grant of 5 Billion Dollars to the Israelis.

They would have to use this money to rebuild the damn Temple in Jerusalem.

That way, the Holy Baby Jeebus can return, rule the world for a millennium, and fulfill this long awaited prophecy.

See? My plan is a no-brainer. Unless of course, the Jews get all pissed off about JC’s return and decide to nail him up yet again!!

What do the Palestininas get? They can have the Gaza Strip all to their own.

It is, after all, a few miles of dirt and debris…have at it, Ahmed.

I know. I know. Some will call me Anti-Semitic. That is pure poppycock.

I love a good knish as much as the next guy.

I even pull out my own personal dreidl and play with it several times a day…

Especially when thinking about some hot Gentile on Jew action with a flag draped Israeli babe.

I hope I have brought this entire, difficult issue into perspective.

Let there be peace in the Middle East and a piece for the Matt-Man.

Shalom, Salaam, and Cheers!!