Tomorrow is the annual Ohio State Buckeyes/Michigan Wolverines football game.
Although I am a lifelong denizen of the Buckeye State, I unlike most Ohioans, really don’t give a crap who wins. I am one of the minority in these two states that loathes both teams.
Why, you ask? Well, let me ‘splain…
I’m not a fan of the Michigan Wolverine football team because number one…They are a yearly opponent and foe of my beloved yet hapless, Notre Dame Quasi-Fighting Irish.
But, my detest for Michigan runs much deeper than the shallowness of a football rivalry.
You see, from 1835-36 the State of Ohio nearly went to war with the Territory of Michigan in order to see which entity would control a strip of land that contained the City of Toledo.
Both sides assembled and readied militias…the bloodlust for war was waxing, and shots were periodically fired across the Maumee River. Fortunately…
The Federal government stepped in and settled the “war” before any lives were lost. The Territory of Michigan was granted statehood and the mineral rich and beautiful Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Ohio?
Ohio was granted the strip of land that contains the City of Toledo. If you have ever been to Toledo, you know why Ohioans like myself, are to this day, totally pissed off about this ruling and still hate Michigan.
As for my disdain for the Ohio State Buckeyes? One reason, and two words…THEIR FANS.
Ohio State Buckeye football fans as my friend Jay put it the other day, are INSUFFERABLE.
They’re kooks…They’re uber-obnoxious. And…They believe that God put THE Ohio State University on this Earth in order to win the NCAA National Football Championship every fucking year.
Oh Dear God, They…Are…Horrid.
Take for instance this year…OSU fans are up in arms over the fact that the University of Cincinnati is ranked ahead of them in the polls. This fact rocks their world because as we all should know, there is only one college football team in Ohio.
It can be summed up by a quote I read in a Sports Illustrated piece that focused on the two fine QBs at the Univ. of Cincinnati. An OSU fan wrote in response to the article:
“If those two guys were really any good, OSU would have snatched them up out of High School.” Whatever.
Of course this year like every year, every local TV affiliate out of Columbus has the Countdown to Kickoff Clock at the bottom of the screen. All of the news anchors are dressed in Scarlet and Gray and they are donning necklaces made from buckeyes.
And of course every anchor and every OSU fan in Ohio refers to the football team as, “us.” Y’know, like they’re part of the team.
Stop it…Just fucking stop it. Stupid and living vicariously through others is no way to go through life you obnoxious bastards!!
As I do every year, I will watch the game tomorrow. I will be rooting for Michigan, because here is how this event goes with me.
Michigan is 5-6 and Ohio State is 9-2. In this game, I always root for the team that will hurt the other in terms of success. If the records were reversed I would root for OSU.
There is an added benefit of seeing OSU losing tomorrow to Michigan.
If the Buckeyes lose, I can turn on the Six O’clock News out of Columbus and I will see every anchor on every station crying their eyes out and screaming, “Oh, The Humanity!! How Could This Happen!?”
If you have never experienced this sight…You are missing one of the funniest things in both football and TV journalism.
I do love it so.