Friday, November 20, 2009

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Michigan Wolverines: A Case Study in Stupid

If you are merely a casual College Football fan, or if you are one who resides in either Ohio or Michigan, you know what tomorrow is.

Tomorrow is the annual Ohio State Buckeyes/Michigan Wolverines football game.

Although I am a lifelong denizen of the Buckeye State, I unlike most Ohioans, really don’t give a crap who wins. I am one of the minority in these two states that loathes both teams.

Why, you ask? Well, let me ‘splain…

I’m not a fan of the Michigan Wolverine football team because number one…They are a yearly opponent and foe of my beloved yet hapless, Notre Dame Quasi-Fighting Irish.

But, my detest for Michigan runs much deeper than the shallowness of a football rivalry.

You see, from 1835-36 the State of Ohio nearly went to war with the Territory of Michigan in order to see which entity would control a strip of land that contained the City of Toledo.

Both sides assembled and readied militias…the bloodlust for war was waxing, and shots were periodically fired across the Maumee River. Fortunately…

The Federal government stepped in and settled the “war” before any lives were lost. The Territory of Michigan was granted statehood and the mineral rich and beautiful Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Ohio?

Ohio was granted the strip of land that contains the City of Toledo. If you have ever been to Toledo, you know why Ohioans like myself, are to this day, totally pissed off about this ruling and still hate Michigan.

As for my disdain for the Ohio State Buckeyes? One reason, and two words…THEIR FANS.

Ohio State Buckeye football fans as my friend Jay put it the other day, are INSUFFERABLE.

They’re kooks…They’re uber-obnoxious. And…They believe that God put THE Ohio State University on this Earth in order to win the NCAA National Football Championship every fucking year.

Oh Dear God, They…Are…Horrid.

Take for instance this year…OSU fans are up in arms over the fact that the University of Cincinnati is ranked ahead of them in the polls. This fact rocks their world because as we all should know, there is only one college football team in Ohio.

It can be summed up by a quote I read in a Sports Illustrated piece that focused on the two fine QBs at the Univ. of Cincinnati. An OSU fan wrote in response to the article:

“If those two guys were really any good, OSU would have snatched them up out of High School.” Whatever.

Of course this year like every year, every local TV affiliate out of Columbus has the Countdown to Kickoff Clock at the bottom of the screen. All of the news anchors are dressed in Scarlet and Gray and they are donning necklaces made from buckeyes.

And of course every anchor and every OSU fan in Ohio refers to the football team as, “us.” Y’know, like they’re part of the team.

Stop it…Just fucking stop it. Stupid and living vicariously through others is no way to go through life you obnoxious bastards!!


As I do every year, I will watch the game tomorrow. I will be rooting for Michigan, because here is how this event goes with me.

Michigan is 5-6 and Ohio State is 9-2. In this game, I always root for the team that will hurt the other in terms of success. If the records were reversed I would root for OSU.

There is an added benefit of seeing OSU losing tomorrow to Michigan.

If the Buckeyes lose, I can turn on the Six O’clock News out of Columbus and I will see every anchor on every station crying their eyes out and screaming, “Oh, The Humanity!! How Could This Happen!?”

If you have never experienced this sight…You are missing one of the funniest things in both football and TV journalism.

I do love it so.



Four Dinners said...

This sounds a bit like Manchester United vs Liverpool or Millwall vs West Ham

Deaths have occured - particularly in the latter.

Green Street is based on West Ham and Millwall - although having that strange hobbit actor converting to West Ham hooligan is slightly unnerving....

Maybe sport could replace war in the future?

Matt-Man said...

Four: I actually thought of you when I wrote this because I figured that the fanaticism over this game is probaly similar to what Brits experience during certain soccer match-ups.

We need to belly up to the bar sometime and make fun of those folks during a Football/Futball double header. Cheers Ol'Bean!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

What I don't get is how people even choose which team to be loyal to. Like, unless you go/went to that school, or play/played for said team, or have a relative or friend who plays for said team, then I just don't get why people become so rabidly loyal to certain teams. I was nuts about following my little brother's team, but once he graduated, eh.

Micky-T said...

Sure is.....STUPID!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I am the same way. I like ND because I'm Irish and used to be Catholic but I'm not a rabid idiot. These folks of whom I speak? They are die hard for some reason whether they went to a particualar school or not.

I love watching football but over the last few years I really have no irrational loyalties and enjoy watching the games much more because of that fact. Cheers and Have a Wunnerful Weekend!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: It is...but as I said, this over the top loyalty does provide a source of comedy. Cheers Mick!!

Doc said...

I say Hail to the Victors and I am a FSU fan from North Carolina !!

(oh yeah and Michigan got jobbed on that whole Toledo thing GRRRR. )

Matt-Man said...

Doc: An FSU from North Carolina? You probably get more shit than I do.

I think Michigan is to this day delighting in the fact that they don't have to take care of both Detroit AND Toledo. Cheers Doc!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Wow, you are educational as well as entertaining. I somehow never heard about that bit of history with Toledo. You poor bastards…

I guess I’m rooting for Michigan since OSU is ahead of Pitt in the Coaches and Harris polls. And I was bitching about Wannstedt earlier this year. HA.

If you get a minute, go check out my blog. I’m not usually one for begging but I’m thinking of changing my whole blog over to a series of stories centered on these characters. I want to get your honest opinion. If I ever wanted to put a book out, it would be easy to just throw a bunch of these posts together, if you know what I mean.

Oh yea, I almost forgot; I too fucking HATE sports reporters who use ‘us’ and try to be chummy with the coach and players during press conferences. You are a fucking journalist, act like it.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Pitt looks pretty damn good. The Pitt/UC game in a couple of weeks should be a dandy. And, I think it's at Pitt, which is good for Pitt.

I'll read your blog tonight when I get home. I think better at night, and I'll let you know what I think my good man.

Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. By the way...While I consider myself a not too bad wordsmith, my first love IS history. Cheers!!

You can Call me AL said...

As a Football Coach,,, I love this shit!
If you need to believe in something. What the hell! Believe in my Football team.

I too am a Irish Fan! Think Catholicism had something to with that!
The team I seem to follow the most SADLY! The Terps. This team has sucked for the last few years but I still follow...
For an added bonus this year. The fans not only follow the teams losing record but the coaches pounds lost per game.

Bond said...


neither could win in the SEC

Jay said...

I just saw a story this morning about the Cincy QB who is the back up but is so damn good. Turns out he has a criminal record and is still on some kind of probation. The reason I found this interesting is that a criminal record meant that he automatically qualified for entry into tOSU. That makes it extra surprising and funny that he went to Cincy instead of tOSU

Matt-Man said...

Al: Hiya Al. I love fans following a team and supporting them but OSU fans in my area are just not strapped too tightly...or more accurately, wrapped TOO tightly!! Cheers Al!!

Bond: No Kiddin'. Especially since neither plays in the SEC Conference. Cheers Vin!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: He is really good and a Freshman...And Ha...He just got busted for trying to use a Fake ID this week. Gotta Love Spunk. Cheers Jay!!

Bond said...

I know they do not Matt..I said they could not win in the SEC (meaning IF they were, they would be losers)


Jeff B said...

I wonder how much the domestic violence calls go up immediately following the game in the losing state?

Anonymous said...

I NEED DISTANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck the BUCKS Fuck the IRISH and the only thing to come out of Michigan is Ernie Harewell!!!!!!!!! God Bless Him!!!!!!!!!!

David said...

I wish I could say that I give a damn about televised football but it would be a lie.

My late father used to make holiday sweets that were globs of a peanut butter concoction dipped in chocolate that he called buckeyes. I like those so that would be a point in their favor.

I think Hugh Jackman is a great actor and he played wolverine in those movies so that is a point in their favor.

I'm torn. I'll probably just take a nap. Cheers Matt-Man

Four Dinners said...


I am extremely change there then...but some of your readers are missing the point. They are failing to understand the psyche of the football (in my case soccer) supporter.

I support Oldham Athletic. I would be amazed if any readers here had ever heard of them. Irrelevent.

I have fought pitched battles with rival the 70's it was feet and the 80's occasional baseball the 90's even a shotgun appeared on one glorious occasion.

We...the football (soccer) supporters of the UK live and...unbelievably on occasion...die to support our team.

Now. Oldham Athletic...whilst a founding team of the English Premiership..are currently floundering around Division 1 (which is actually Dicivision 3 because the 'real' Div 1 is The Premiership and the 'real' Div 2 is The Championship)'s getting worryingly complicated over here...

We..Oldham Athletic...are a tiny team with 'relatively' negligible support.

(Manchester United and Manchester City are very close to our ground as are Liverpool, Everton and Leeds United)

Never the less, even at the age of 51, I will, and have, got 'stuck in' against rival supporters.

You lot think rivalry is insane?

Come over here and join me in a Millwall Vs Oldham game.

You WILL need a stiff drink afterwards...if you survive...

Good grief...I just posted a post in your comments...

oops....sorry old bean...pissed again (no change there then)...;-)

Dianne said...

living vicariously through others - you said it all right there

Sport zealots are usually assholes

Marilyn said...

Football? I heard of that somewhere before, and I know I've seen that picture of the kid making that adorable gesture.