Thursday, November 19, 2009

Matt-Man: A Day in the Life...

Happy Thursday, Bitches!!

Today is my scheduled day off and I feel pretty good even after working in the wind and the cold last night. So, all I can say to that is, “Boo Yah!!”

I was reading the comments that some of you left yesterday inquiring as to my whereabouts.


I merely spent the day resting up because I knew I would be working in some shitty weather last night.

I appreciate the concern, and your inquiries gave me an idea for today’s post.

Since, as I said, I am off all day today and so you need not ask what is going on with me, I am going to let you know exactly what I am doing and thinking as the day transpires. That’s right!!

I will be giving you periodic updates as to my doings, ruminations, and other exciting day-off activities.

Consider it as though I am Twittering, only on a grander scale. I think this could make for an incredibly boring scintillating post.

And don’t worry…I will not make each update a new post. I will merely edit and add my updates to this post, so as to not be obnoxious to various reader programs.

So gang…Let’s get livin’ with the Matt-Man!!

4:41 A.M.: Woke up. Walked to the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. Went to the bathroom and took a major leak. The foam from my pee formed the face of Queen Boudica. “Cool”, I said.

5:02 A.M.: Back to the bathroom to take a dump. As it has been for three weeks due to my antibiotics, my rectal discharges are not solid. They are more the consistency of a dirty brown water main break.

5:30 A.M.: Schmoop woke up and I turned on MSNBC’s Way to Early with Willie Geist. Poured second cup of coffee.

6 A.M.: Watching Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks) as I typed this post. By the way, I am wearing a T-Shirt and my boxers, Mr. Happy Pants.

More Later…

7:00 A.M.: Schmoop left for work. She's really "thrilled". It's just me and the cat now. Strike up the porn music.

7:21 A.M.: Just got off of the phone with Ryno. He has his first scrimmage tonight after school. He's rarin' to go and sink some three pointers. He promised to drain one for me.

***********************************

9:29 A.M.: Just got out of the shower...shaved...dressed...Feelin' Good. What to do now? Oh, I know!! Let's have a beer!! Yum.

9:46 A.M: A little over five hours into my day, I fired up my first cigarette. Not Bad.

10:05 A.M: After reading P-Man's comment, I said "twat" out loud five times. I smiled.

***********************************

11:48 A.M.: Just got off of the phone with my friend Richard. Richard is a psychologist who calls ME up for advice and my opinion. Is that scary or what? It was actually a nice conversation for once. I think he was buzzed.

12:00 P.M.: Hey Dice!? Look...My Lighthouse is crying!!

12:55 P.M.: Schmoop will be home in 1-2 hours...Do I feed the underage Guatemalan hookers lunch or send them away now to be on the safe side? Advise quickly, please.

*********************************

1:46 P.M.: Man...I have one helluva good buzz going on. Not only does my lung not hurt...My back, where they stuck the tube, doesn't hurt.

2:40 P.M.: After a brief nap, the phone rang and Schmoop 's brother called to announce that he is coming up for suds and frivolity. Oh the Joy, I dig Dave!!

3:39 P.M.: Dave has two grave sites for sale...$1,500.00 if anyone is interested.

*********************************

4:45 P.M.: Somebody call the Police...We're having a domestic violence incident over whether Schmoop's brother is going to pick her up in the morning and take her to her Mom's or whether I will take her. Yes, it's due to Schmoop. God Help Us!!

5:18 P.M.: I'm watching Glenn Beck and he is trashing Andy Stern and SEIU. HA!! As someone who worked for SEIU, (and trust me, I didn't leave on good terms) he is such a fucking liar about the ends and means of both Stern and SEIU. Beck is such a lying, dumb fuck.

5:56P.M.: Okay I thought Glenn Beck was the epitome of stupid, but dig it...I just saw a commercial for a waterproof orthopedic dog bed. I have no idea what I am posting about tomorrow. I'm surrounded by stupid today. So many options!!

Cheers!!

51 comments:

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m excited for one! A personal look into the private and exclusive life of the Matt-Man. As far as great literary works go, I think this will fall somewhere between The Iliad by Homer, and The Gunslinger Series by Steven King. I know I already got scared (and scarred) once by your rectal discharges. A dirty brown water main break…. indeed.

FYI- for that kind of sphincter activity, only baby wipes will do.

Michele said...

Please, please do not make this twitter-esque. There is nothing I hate more than reading about getting the mail or taking a dump. Oh wait....you've already told us about that. At least it was informational. Maybe too much so.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: And on a related Homeric note, kinda like Ulysses. Just call me Matt Joyce. Yeah, the irritated butt thing has been a real bummer. I am concerned about you Scott...

I'm concerned that you are excited about this endeavour. Hope you're feeling okay. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Don't worry. Unlike the the brevity with Twitter this will result in a case study of human behavior...or something. Cheers Michele!!

Four Dinners said...

Enjoyed that!

But a note of caution old bean...

Too many Twitters make a Twat...;-)

Matt-Man said...

Four: No Worries. I shall try to restrain myself. While I am a dickhead, I wish not to be known as a twat. Cheers FD!!

Dianne said...

just a look at your legs and I'm excited for the rest of the day!!

I'm cancelling all the plans I didn't have so that I can follow this reality blogging extravaganza closely

Lu' said...

O.K. :)

Micky-T said...

Well.....haven't you brushed your teeth yet?

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: If you're good. I'll even take you into the shower with me. Cheers Di!!

Lu: You're thrilled aintcha? Cheers Pal!!

Micky: I do that when I take my shower after the coffee has been consumed. Until then, I rely on my nuclear strength mouthwash I use when I wake up. Cheers Mick!!

Jeff B said...

Dang, I have to work today and will not be able to check in with you every fifteen minutes to see what has transpired at the Bagwine digs.

I feel at a great loss.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...if "twat" isn't one of the most captivating words in the english language, I don't know what is....

Bond said...

titillating...

not

Scott needs to get out more I think

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: I am sorry. Fret not, however. The transcript will forever be etched upon the internets. Cheers Funny Man!!

Phfrankie: It is, isn't it? "Twat." It's even fun to say. Cheers P-Man!!

Bond: Oh I don't know. I think this internets encapsulation of my life is on the same excitement level with The Truman Show. Cheers Vin!!

Bond said...

Remember what happened to The Truman Show dude

Jay said...

This might be even better than if you had a webcam set up for everyone to just sit back and watch you all day. Especially the dirty brown water main break. I don't think anyone would want to see that.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: That's the beauty of this...Unlike The Truman Show, my show is based in the real world and I already have my own hot, little "Sylvia" so there is no need to escape and cancel the show. Cheers!!

Jay: I have thought about that often and would do it in a minute if I had the cash to set up a live webcast covering my day. Yeah, even shots of me sitting on the can reading a magazine. Cheers Jay!!

David said...

I need to get fresh batteries for my mouse from clicking the refresh button so much.

Doc said...

Wow and he keeps updating it... This is better than watching Elisabeth Hasselback talking herself into a verbal cul-de-sac on The View !!

Matt-Man said...

David: I'm getting ready to as we speak. Cheers David!!

Doc: Ha!! Well put!! Cheers Doc!!

Lu' said...

Hey I'd be willing to chip in $$ for that web cam as long as it got nowhere near the bathroom.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...now EVERYBODY'S buzzed...

Matt-Man said...

Lu: I'll make a note of that Lu. You are too kind. And I'll reciprocate by not going near my library. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: Ha. Life would be better that way. Cheers P-Man!!

Dice Mardell said...

this is beginning to commence to start to creep me out...
...following my siblings into a room. If the hairs on the back of my neck are correct, this is the third time.

But I digress.

Hey, tell your lighthouse to knock it off or you'll give it something to cry about. ha Ha HA !!!

Matt-Man said...

Dice: Sorry about the familial creepiness, but as for the lighthouse...I think it is crying because the gales of November came early...or whatever. Gordon Lightfoot is a Genius!! Cheers Dice!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m proud of you for waiting five hours for your first cigarette; usually that sets the pace for the entire day. I’m just surprised the beer beat out the cig. I’m also surprised you’re drinking beer instead of nice warm hottie totties.

So your friend is a psychologist, who’s buzzed in the AM, and calling you for advice……that’s so fucking cool!

Starrlight said...

I find it fun to do random ass posts. It's been my theme this week. I prefer "random" as a word choice to lazy :P

Starrlight said...

PS...your lighthouse looks like a dildo. I'm just sayin.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Thanks. My smoking today will be more than usual 'cause I'm off and tipping a few, but I'm doing pretty well for me.

(Especially now that I just cracked open a pint of Wild Irish Rose.)

As for my friend...He's usually just slightly buzzed from some ganja, but today I think he had a bottle Beaujolais with his eggs. He actually let me talk for once.

Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Randomness is the cure for laziness. And yeah, I'm feelin' lazy, albeit good.

Don't all lighthouses look like dildos? Ironically, aren't all vaginas like lighthouses in the sense that they guide the man's "ship" to port?

Cheers Starr!!

Schmoop said...

More like LESS than an hour, and I would suggest sending them away quickly!!! Zoves!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: So let it be written; so let it done. Cheers and Zoves Sexy!!

Dianne said...

you could have given them happy meals to go ...

David said...

I recognize those tears. Your lighthouse has the tears of the virgin mary - who is either praying for your speedy recovery or is upset that she remained a virgin and now knows from watching you and Schmoop the kind of fun she could have had.

I'm not sure about the "why" but I'm sure about the tears.

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Well, I did give them something akin to a Happy Meal. They said, "Thanks." But, then they continued to say, "We got to PX now, Big Boy?" Cheers Di!!

David: She's crying because Charlie Weis is still the coach at Notre Dame. Cheers David!!

David said...

Were the Guatemalan hookers also acupuncturists who also gave you a treatment for a happy pain-free ending?

Every time you mention opening up an adult beverage, I've enjoyed one so I can replicate, as near as possible, the full experience of a Matt-Man day of leisure. Well, except the on-the-toilet part. No brown water thing going on here fortunately.

Cheers

Four Dinners said...

Hey! You as well!!!

Dickheads of the world unite!!!

My long lost bro!!!!

Matt-Man said...

Four: As soon as I am 100% we simply must get together for Bangers and Mash, Wild Irish Rose, and to allow us two dickheads to make fun of the world. Cheers Ol' Bean!!

David said...

About those grave sites...are they currently unoccupied?

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. Yes. But even if they weren't, we would clear them out just for you. Cheers David!!

Jay said...

Oh it would be really cheap to set up the webcam. The only cost would be the cam itself. You could broadcast for free over ustream.tv or justin.tv or blogtv. See, I'm full of all kinds of helpful advice. :-)

I think I'll join you in the land of the buzzed. Thanks for kicking the underage Guatemalan hookers out. They just arrived at my place. Party time!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Well I'll look into the webcam and see if I can set that up. A bit of bad news...

I told you I was going to speak about what assholes OSU fans are tomorrow but something has taken precedence. Anyhoo...

Enjoy the hookers, and don't let them tell you that they need a Big Mac for their services, they'll settle for a double cheeseburger.

Bring on the buzz, and Cheers Jay!!

Marilyn said...

Love the shorts.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I LOVE YOU

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: And with that nice comment I am going to shut down for the night. Thanks Marilyn, hope you and your family are well. Cheers!!

Anony: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I love you too. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

I just spent ten minutes making a comment to you about your day in Bagwine(up to the minute), but after repeatedly deleting and re wording it, I decided it was way too STUPID to post, so I'm typing this as my comment. Smart huh?

Jeff B said...

OK, I just made it back home and checked in to see what exciting things transpired throughout your day.

I think I'll go back to work now.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...*twat*...

Dianne said...

incontinent arthritic dogs do need a place to sleep ya know

just sayin

Starrlight said...

The person who invented that dog bed KNOWING people would buy it is a genius ;)

Jay said...

Just saw where Oprah is shutting down her show at the end of 2011. How long will it take Beck (or any other delusional moron on the right) to claim she's doing that so she can take Biden's place on the ticket with Obama in 2012? Probably only a day or so.