Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Eve '74: Comic Coitus Interruptus

I’m nine years old. I am in my bed and it’s Christmas Eve.

My family, consisting of Mom and Dad, nine of us kids, and a few spouses, has just smoked, drank, eaten, and exchanged presents to the point of exhaustion.

There is nothing left for me to do but go into a slumber and wait for morning to see what Mom and Dad Claus had given me. My bed is cool and soft; I shall sleep well.

As I lie there in and out of consciousness, my brother John comes in and gets into my brother Marty’s bed. (No, he’s not molesting my brother Marty, you sick bastards.)


Marty must have fallen asleep on the basement couch. I yawn, fix my pillow, and am soon asleep.

I am dreaming about the weather forecast set that I had asked for. I see visions of my anemometer spinning in the winter winds, and me carefully marking the changes in pressure on my barometer.


In my somnolent Christmas Eve world, all is well.

Suddenly, my dream takes me for a dive into a swimming pool.


This nine year old stud is in his swimming trunks splashing around with a scantily clad Veronica from the Archies.

As we playfully wrestle and kiss each other on the cheek, I am praying like hell for her top to fall off.

And then, BAM…

The splashing noise becomes louder and louder, a discordant mélange of cymbals, tone deaf church bells, and grindstones resonate inside my head as the half naked Veronica fades away.

And, as the booming tones grow exponentially, I writhe and force my eyes to stay shut so I can re-animate Veronica and finish my exuberant, pre-teen squishy dream, but...

It is no use; the noise puts my wet dream orbit into decay and sends me back to reality. I sit up and try to focus on the origin of the cursed noise. It is my brother John.

An orchestra of sound is emanating from his all but motionless body. Pane shattering, nails on the chalkboard sounds…end of life sounds that I had never heard.


It’s the personification of a dirge. My brother John is dying.

I run to Mom’s room and tell her to hurry, John is dying. She takes my hand and we race to the bedroom. She listens for a second and begins to chuckle.

“Holy Crap what’s so funny? Do something”, I say.


Mom responds, “Matt…Maaatt, John’s not dying. He’s grinding his teeth in his sleep; now go back to bed.”

When I awoke Christmas morning, John was still alive, my folks came through with the Weather Forecast kit, and life was good. Sorta…

You see…the one thing put a cloud over that Christmas and pisses me off to this day is that, December 24, 1974 was my first, last, and best chance to have wet, chlorine soaked pool sex with Veronica Lodge.

Thanks alot Brother John, you wretched, erection killin’ bastard, you. Whose Christmas woody are you going to put in the dirt this year?

Cheers!!

21 comments:

Jeff B said...

Hell it could have been worse. It could have been Archie that was in the pool with you.

Jay said...

Thank God I never had an brothers. They would have ruined by hot dreams about Cindy Lou Who.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Teeth grinding is horrible to listen to. One of my little brothers did that for years and it sounded AWFUL.

And Veronica?? She WAS prettier, but sort of a bitch.

David said...

I'm a little suspicious that you 10 brothers sleeping in one room in one bed didn't toy with one another....I'm just saying. We all know the result of being in a catholic family with boys that are good submissive altar boys.

Wait....Did I say that out loud???

Am I stereotyping? Oh wouldn't that be awful.

Cheers Matt-Man from the allegedly sexually ambiguous David. hehe

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: No kidding. And if it had been with my luck I would have seen the dream through to its end. Cheers Jeff!!

Jay: There you go. Demonstrating your pedophilia yet again. You really need to repent and ssek help. Cheers Jay!!

Lady: It is a horrid sound, isn't it? Oh yeah Veronica was hot and had a mean streak, but Betty was just too syrupy sweet for me. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

David: We didn't ALL sleep in one room. Holy Moly. And there was no sexual contact although there were times one was knocking the crap out of another. But yeah we were all, at one point, altar boys. Cheers David!!

Dianne said...

I love that you wanted a Weather Forecaster kit, that is the sweetest thing
you're so cute Matty

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Aren't I though? I am still a big weather freak and no my shit, but when I was about 16 my dream of someday getting a degree in meteorology was crushed when I found out how much advanced math and physics I would have to take...and pass. Cheers Sexy!!

Lu' said...

OK lets fix this for you. Get an inflatable pool, bottle of chlorine bleach you know where I am going with this don't you, and Archie's comic. Fill the pool with water and the chlorine bleach. Get in the pool with the comic turned to a page with Veronica on it, whack a noodle and there you have it, problem solved : Glad I could help.

Four Dinners said...

Noooooooo! Daphne of Scooby Doo is the HOT one!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Oh sure that's fine but the feeling wouldn't last me. It's just no tthe same without her appearing to me out of the blue. Cheers Lu!!

Four: Pfffft. Daphne is fine if you're into one night stands, but if you're going the Scooby Doo route, Velma is the one.

Velma is smart. I like smart chicks, and in Velma's case it makes me want to do her, appropriately enough, Doggie Style. Cheers FD!!

Joker_SATX said...

I would have gone for Betty...Veronica is one huge Mortgage Payment....

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Betty is too sweet, and plus she seems that she would like to have like 6 kids. Picture ol' Betty's hips when she done birthin' all those kids. Cheers Joker!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...look at it this way: you were saved the inevitable embarrassment of "shrinkage"...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Pfffft. I've overcome the embarrrassment of shrinkage, whether in a pool or not. My shrinkage has always been naturally occuring and pre-ordained. I've learned to overcome my "limitations" and adapt. Cheers P-Man!!

Doc said...

I liked some Veronica too...

Matt-Man said...

Doc: You could always tell that Veronica was a real minx in the bedroom. Meeow. Cheers Doc!!

katherine. said...

do all men remember their first exuberant, pre-teen squishy dream?

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Probably not, but as you know...I'm "special". Cheers Kat!!

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