Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Kwanzaa: Light The Pipe and Make Your Wish

The first day of Hanukkah has passed and Christmas is ten days away, but let us not forget that on December 26th, the celebration of Kwanzaa begins.

Allow me to 'splain...

In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.

And incidentally, no self-respecting black person should be going all Hebrewistic on anyone. Sammy Davis, Jr. did that and what happened to him?

The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…

If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.

Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.

Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…

And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…

Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

36 comments:

Jme said...

HOLY shit! That has to be the one of the funniest damn post I have ever read. I don't get out much, I know, I know. Move over, Schmoop, I'm gonna make a move for the Matt-Man. I'll bring the grape pop and ribs. I'm on my way, Big Papa!

Matt-Man said...

Jme: Ha. Why Thanks. I have my moments. And if we're having ribs, let's get dirty and not use napkins. Cheers Jme!!

Lu' said...

That post was a riot,hee hee now that I think of it. I know why you had nothing funny for Phfrankie, you saved it all up for this post! Good job Sir.
Have a great day Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Hee Hee. I just hope Al Sharpton doesn't catch wind of it. He'll miss the entire meaning and start asking for my resignation from the Beer Mine. And I actually did think P-Man's tree was cute as hell. Cheers, my Wunnerful Pal!!

One Lazy Dude said...

LOL. Very funny and very offensive, but I get it. I hope it isn't lost on others. I've been reading you for quite awhile without commenting, but how could I not on this? Cheers Matt-Man!

Doc said...

Maybe that Sham-wow guy can do an infomercial on Kwannza!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Good Idea, Doc. I bet he would like to do that. Well, when he's not beating up hookers. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Lazy: Oooops...Well, thanks. And I am glad that you chimed in. Don't be a stranger. Cheers Dude!!

Anonymous said...

You think Christmas and racism go together don't you? What a jerk you are. Have a happy life asshole.

You can Call me AL said...

"The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what."

Only you could come up with that!

Matt-Man said...

Anony: Damn...You figured me out. And guess what? Not only do I think black people are inferior, I think Hindus should have to have sex with cows and Jews and Muslims should be wrapped in bacon and forced to eat themselves. Blow Me. Cheers!!

Al: Ha. I actually liked SD, but it just felt right when I wrote it. Merry Christmas my good man. Cheers Al!!

Schmoop said...

Ha! Great post! Hey Anon, I bet you're a riot at parties! What with having no sense of humor and all.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Thanks Schmoop. You're my cavalry. Zoooooooves and Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Gee. "Schmoop" speaks and defends a racist. You must feel good about yourself slut.

Matt-Man said...

Anony: Well I beg to differ. She's not a slut. She's a sweetheart and my best friend. And one other thing she isn't, is a coward.

Keep hiding behind your cowardice, you pussy and/or dickless wonder, whatever the case may be. Cheers and Merry Christmas!!

Jay said...

I read this last night, but didn't comment cause I wanted to wait for all the butt hurt to roll in. Kind of disappointed that only one Anon commenter has showed up. Hope he/she emailed all their friends to come over too.

This type of over the top offensiveness takes real talent. Your typical racist couldn't come close to this. Besides, real racists aren't funny. They're all just bitter and angry and all they can do is bitch and wine.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Thanks. I try to be the most creative racist that I can be without being angry. And yeah, I was hoping for more anger the Anoymouses. Oh Well. Go Jonas Brothers!! Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...yes, but he was the KING of the diminutive cycloptic bastards!...

Dana said...

WOW! Just one idiot bold enough to comment? I thought you could do better than that!

I considered (for a nano-second) celebrating Kwanzaa with Cam to celebrate his African heritage. Then I came to my senses and realized that he is about as African as a Yule Log.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Well, he did have that going for him, that crazy cat. Cheers P-Man!!

Dana: That's one more than I had last year. It's an improvement. Yule logs aren't african? They sound African. Cheers Dana!!

David said...

Wow Matt-Man - you have written a whopper of discriminatory remarks and I must say I'm in awe of the fact that you could include so damn much in one story.

Having met several Masai warriors during my Kenya trip, they would be fan-damn-tastic role models IMHO.

But unfortunately I must disagree with you about one thing "both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact." Oh sure....my big fat sexually ambiguous ass are they facts.

Fun read my man.

Cheers and happy holidays.

metalmom said...

"What a jerk you are. Have a happy life asshole."

What higher praise can you aspire to? I laughed, read it to Hubs and he laughed, my 25yo son read it and sent it to a friend.....his AFRICAN-AMERICAN friend, who roared with laughter.

When we can all laugh at our differences, world peace will be achieved. Thanks for curing this world a little at a time.

<3

Four Dinners said...

As followers of various religions are given holidays in the UK according to whichever religion they follow, I have a question.

Do followers of Kwanzaa get a holiday?

I've sussed that I can convert to loads of religions on a monthly basis and gain lots and lots of holidays - it's the law don't yer know.

I'm quite happy to be a Kwanzaanista at whatever point in the year is most beneficial for me to have a religious holiday, go down The Five Bells in Harmondsworth and get pissed.

I await your advice old bean...

I could be onto some'at here....

Jeff B said...

Like Jay, I read this before and wanted to wait for the shit storm to ensue before commenting.

You my friend remind me a great deal of Don Rickles. You can push the envelope with everyone equally. Too bad some people can't see that for what it is.

Desert Rat said...

You know, I actually paid money - a long, long time ago - to see the "cyclops" perform at Harrah's in Reno, Nevada. He was pretty funny.

Wow, you got "asshole" and "slut" tossed your way. Good job, but I too am with the rest of the crew and expected much more.

You're such an equal opportunity offender which is why I like you so much.

Are you gonna nail the Druids over the solstice? 'Cause if you are, you'd better start gettin' creative, only a few days to go!

Cheers!

Matt-Man said...

David: Why thank you. I tried to cover as many insulting bases as could. How can you say C and J Holidays aren't based in fact? Don't you love the Holy Baby Jeebus? Cheers David!!

Metalmom: You are to kind my friend. And thanks for passing it on, THAT is much higher praise than being called an asshole. Although I did dig that too. Cheers Chris!!

Four: Just tell folks that you are celebrating Kwanzaa because as you were born in Johannesburg you are African as well. I think you can pull that off. Cheers FD!!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Thank ya Jeff. I try to make fun of everyone, and quite often myself. Thanks for reading me for such a long time. Cheers Funny Man!!

Rat: I try my best Rat. If I do nail the Druids I should nail them to a tree shouldn't I? I do know that I will be mocking the Muslims on Friday. Cheers Rat!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Lol, I'm with Jay and Jeff. I was interested to see what waves you'd make. And I have to say, I thought you'd get more heat. Oh well, there's always next year ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Lady: No matter how "over the top" I get I have always had problems eliciting hateful comments.

I think people who come across me and are offended assume I am some middle aged retard and don't want to make fun of a guy with "special needs". Cheers D!!

Joker_SATX said...

OK, so I came over here at the behest of Dana at Amid Life's Crisis. I can certainly say that you do not disappoint.

Looks like you picked up a Joker. Oh well, there goes the neighborhood.

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Well, I am glad that you stopped by. I picked up a Joker, eh? You'll fit right in. Cheers and thanks for the comment, Joker!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

LOL! I'm also surprised you didn't get more haterz. I post cleavage shots and get hateful comments! Now, who doesn't love boobs?

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Ya'd think I'd get more, but I must have some anti-hater shield around me that I don't know about.

You post cleavage shots? I love cleavage. I love boobs. I'll be by and I won't hate anything. Cheers ETW!!

katherine. said...

I had no idea it meant "first fruits"

the post is a riot...the person who can't post their own name is the raciest. (among other things)

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Well indeed it does mean just that, and thanks. As for Anonymous? Just another spineless weasel in the sea of humanity. Cheers Kat!!

Isobel said...

I Fu#*ing LOVE Bantu Claus... heeheeeeeeeeee!!!!


Anon: You're a shrimp-dick.