Let me tell you folks…Yesterday was rough.
I worked the Beer Mine all day and it was cold. When I got there in the morning it was 6 degrees and when I left eight hours later, it was a balmy 18.
The wind chill during that time? Anywhere from -5 to 10. It was so damn frigid I could smell the cold.
It smelled like rotten bananas that had been dipped in wombat shit and pissed on by Billy Bob Thornton. The smell stayed with me all day because it froze to my nasal lining with each inhalation.
Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.
Funny thing…when it’s colder outside than it is within the vaginal void that exists between Ann Coulter’s legs, people seem to enjoy talking to me as I stand next to them while they sit inside their warm car.
“Cold enough for ya?”
Yeah, I heard that 8,000 times yesterday. A couple of times I came close to responding by saying...
“Yes, but not as cold as the type of cold I’d like you to experience. You see, dumbass…
Upon hearing that stupid question, I want you to experience the absolute cold that you feel once I kick your empty head in, and rip your internal organs out.
And then, my valued customer, I am going to dig your grave in the frozen ground, with your femur I might add, and prior to me putting your dying, rotting corpse within it, I am going to force you to watch me sodomize your wife.
Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.
THAT’S how cold I would like it to be, okay? Now thank you, and come again.”
Oy Vay…And I get to do it all over again today. But all was not loss yesterday.
When I got home Sunday night I was greeted by some good news.
As many of you know, I have been participating in a Fantasy Football League set up by Bagwine fave, Jay. Well my friends…
Yesterday was the last game and my team, The Jonas Brothers, were in the Championship game against the formidable team, The Pantless Freaks.
After a long arduous season, The Jonas Brothers assumed their rightful place as Champions of the Open Bar Fantasy Football League.
My Jonas Brothers juggernaut swept to victory in decisive fashion. In fact, you could say that the Jonas Brothers beat the pants off of their opponent, but as you can see from the name of the opponent they didn’t have any to begin with.
But anyhow…My team has won the League and I want to thank the Jay-Man for setting it up. Here’s to my coaching prowess, and a rare scrap of luck.
Have a wonderful Monday all. I’m going to be spending mine, freezing my ass off and digging graves for assholes.