Monday, January 04, 2010

I'd Love To Chat, But My Feet Need Amputated

Let me tell you folks…Yesterday was rough.

I worked the Beer Mine all day and it was cold. When I got there in the morning it was 6 degrees and when I left eight hours later, it was a balmy 18.

The wind chill during that time? Anywhere from -5 to 10. It was so damn frigid I could smell the cold.

It smelled like rotten bananas that had been dipped in wombat shit and pissed on by Billy Bob Thornton. The smell stayed with me all day because it froze to my nasal lining with each inhalation.

Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.

Funny thing…when it’s colder outside than it is within the vaginal void that exists between Ann Coulter’s legs, people seem to enjoy talking to me as I stand next to them while they sit inside their warm car.

“Cold enough for ya?”


Yeah, I heard that 8,000 times yesterday. A couple of times I came close to responding by saying...

“Yes, but not as cold as the type of cold I’d like you to experience. You see, dumbass…

Upon hearing that stupid question, I want you to experience the absolute cold that you feel once I kick your empty head in, and rip your internal organs out.

And then, my valued customer, I am going to dig your grave in the frozen ground, with your femur I might add, and prior to me putting your dying, rotting corpse within it, I am going to force you to watch me sodomize your wife.

Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.

THAT’S how cold I would like it to be, okay? Now thank you, and come again.”


Oy Vay…And I get to do it all over again today. But all was not loss yesterday.

When I got home Sunday night I was greeted by some good news.

As many of you know, I have been participating in a Fantasy Football League set up by Bagwine fave, Jay. Well my friends…

Yesterday was the last game and my team, The Jonas Brothers, were in the Championship game against the formidable team, The Pantless Freaks.

After a long arduous season, The Jonas Brothers assumed their rightful place as Champions of the Open Bar Fantasy Football League.

My Jonas Brothers juggernaut swept to victory in decisive fashion. In fact, you could say that the Jonas Brothers beat the pants off of their opponent, but as you can see from the name of the opponent they didn’t have any to begin with.

But anyhow…My team has won the League and I want to thank the Jay-Man for setting it up. Here’s to my coaching prowess, and a rare scrap of luck.

Have a wonderful Monday all. I’m going to be spending mine, freezing my ass off and digging graves for assholes.


Cheers!!

25 comments:

doggybloggy said...

either I dont get it or you still have drive up liquor in your little slice of america - get ready for that to go away - its a little archaic - you think? sorry there matt man - the beer mine is on its last leg! No more assholes for you! time to get a real job...try politics.

Hope said...

Well one thing is certain...the cold didn't effect your creativity. heh.

Scott Oglesby said...

How exactly do you know what Billy Bob Thornton’s piss smells like? That’s a story I’d pay to hear.

At least you got to come home to a nice, warm house though. I don’t think I ever told you that when we had to rush back from London due to the leaks in the roof from that incredible storm, our fireplace was broken as well. And no one here has central heating. That my friend was cold! Anyway, sorry that you have to work under those deplorable conditions, and even more sorry that you have to deal with the dreaded general public.

Congrats on your supremacy!!

Matt-Man said...

Doggy: It's not Drive Up liquor...It's Drive-THRU, big difference and for being on their last leg here in Ohio, there sure do flourish. Thanks for the tip but no matter what other job I may take in the future, I'll still work at the Beer Mine. I dig it. Cheers Pup Pup!!

Hope: I had to continually keep thinking so my brain wouldn't freeze. Cheers Hope!!

Scott: I partied with Billy Bob once. It wasn't pretty. Yeah, your house story is a bit ahrd to take. That blows.

As for dealing with the publice; that is a love/hate relationship which enjoy deep down. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

Congrats on the FF win... Next year Im joining the league!

oh yeah... One more thing... Is it cold enough for ya?

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Thanks and I'll see ya on the field next year. It's going to be warmer today... A High of 22. It'll feel like summer. Cheers Doc!!

Micky-T said...

The whole week sir...gonna be cold.

You know when the weather man shows what to expext for the whole week in the little boxes lined up across the screen? Well, here in TN I saw just one (1) day that it will hit 32. That's all it had on the whole screen, just one 32.
This is damn cold for this part of the country for sure. And I know from phone calls Florida is PISSED OFF it's so cold.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Yes indeed cold all week and on the 7 day forecast I saw, it's supposed to be even colder this coming weekend. I'm wearin' a big ol' Happy Hat.

I'll drink plenty of Rose and you toss back some bourbon and we can get through this. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...You could tell them: "The Iceman cometh, where the sun don't shine!"...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha. Ladies and Gentlemen, yet another example of Phfrankie's brilliance with the one liner. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky-T said...

That Phfrankie Bondo sticks his nose all around doesn't he?

Jay said...

I think you need heated socks: http://is.gd/5LYeC

And maybe some heated gloves:
http://is.gd/5LYjd

Congrats on the win!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. He does indeed. Cheers Mick!!

Jay: The socks sound good but I can't count money while wearing gloves...a fact that pisses me off to no end. Thanks for forming the league. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

Yeah ... yeah ...

Seems my fantasy football team was right there with my sexual fantasies ... unattainable! There's always next year. And yes, I *do* live in Chicago. Why do you ask?

Joker_SATX said...

Matt-Man,

A big Congrats on your FF Win!

However, there are a couple of things about this post that disturbs me. First that you would know specifically the smell of Billy Bob Thorton piss is kind of disturbing. That would mean that you and Angelina would have been fighting for position to get a wiff.

Also, I totally agree with you on that stupid question. I get that question here in Texas, where, by comparison, is really not that cold. I just shot the last 5 people that asked me. So I can relate to this, yet it disturbs me nonetheless because, if I understand correctly, where you are located...Cold is the norm. Warm is the exception. So I definitely see your point there. I would be just as pissed off as you are.

Regardless, Happy New Year to you! I think you are going to have a great New Year in spite of all the pitfalls.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: It's all in the name Dana. God Looooooves The Jonas Brothers; they're wholesome. Cheers!!

Joker: Thanks for the New Year message, but as for the cold? Our average this time of year is 32 Hi and 22 Low. I can handle that. It's the zero to 20 I loooooathe. Cheers Joker!!

Bond said...

almost as cold here...no global warming at the moment...nope there isn't

nice job on the fantasy football you no good dog

3 Men and a Lady said...

We have drive thru liquor stores in my area. I think they are pretty convenient.

I used to work at a mom and pop fast food place where the employees have to go outside to the drive thru to take orders if there is more than 2 cars waiting at the window. And it's the busiest place in town. We were like the mailmen: rain, shine, sleet, snow, whatever, we were there. I wasn't one for chit chat when it was 5 degress, either, just order your shit and let me go inside!, I'd say under my breath.

Dianne said...

congrats on the Championship!! I think you should go to Disney World

try to stay warm
think hot thoughts

doggybloggy said...

matty boy whats the difference between drive up and drive through? Cool that they still flourish - I live in NYC now but in my home state of New Mexico these kinds of places are long gone...but then again NM has one of the highest drunk driver deaths in the nation.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I owe my victory all to clean living...or something. Cheers Vinny!!

Dianne: I'm thinking one now. Can you guess what it is? Cheers Di!!

Doggy: I just thought Drive Up implied some type of window like a fast food type of thing. we have no window...we're live!!

We still have a myriad of Drive-Thrus in myy little slice of America. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I inadvertantly omitted you. How gauche. I say that quite often when its cold out. Cheers D!!

Clay Perry said...

ok.. i copied & pasted the customer comment over to word & am currently memorizing it for future use...

Matt-Man said...

Clay: HA. I am honored. Let me know how it plays in the South. Cheers Clay!!

Lu' said...

Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.

How sick of me but I thought that was hilarious :O