Let me tell you folks…Yesterday was rough.
I worked the Beer Mine all day and it was cold. When I got there in the morning it was 6 degrees and when I left eight hours later, it was a balmy 18.
The wind chill during that time? Anywhere from -5 to 10. It was so damn frigid I could smell the cold.
It smelled like rotten bananas that had been dipped in wombat shit and pissed on by Billy Bob Thornton. The smell stayed with me all day because it froze to my nasal lining with each inhalation.
Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.
Funny thing…when it’s colder outside than it is within the vaginal void that exists between Ann Coulter’s legs, people seem to enjoy talking to me as I stand next to them while they sit inside their warm car.
“Cold enough for ya?” Yeah, I heard that 8,000 times yesterday. A couple of times I came close to responding by saying...
“Yes, but not as cold as the type of cold I’d like you to experience. You see, dumbass…
Upon hearing that stupid question, I want you to experience the absolute cold that you feel once I kick your empty head in, and rip your internal organs out.
And then, my valued customer, I am going to dig your grave in the frozen ground, with your femur I might add, and prior to me putting your dying, rotting corpse within it, I am going to force you to watch me sodomize your wife.
Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.
THAT’S how cold I would like it to be, okay? Now thank you, and come again.”
Oy Vay…And I get to do it all over again today. But all was not loss yesterday.
When I got home Sunday night I was greeted by some good news.
As many of you know, I have been participating in a Fantasy Football League set up by Bagwine fave, Jay. Well my friends…
Yesterday was the last game and my team, The Jonas Brothers, were in the Championship game against the formidable team, The Pantless Freaks.
After a long arduous season, The Jonas Brothers assumed their rightful place as Champions of the Open Bar Fantasy Football League.
My Jonas Brothers juggernaut swept to victory in decisive fashion. In fact, you could say that the Jonas Brothers beat the pants off of their opponent, but as you can see from the name of the opponent they didn’t have any to begin with.
But anyhow…My team has won the League and I want to thank the Jay-Man for setting it up. Here’s to my coaching prowess, and a rare scrap of luck.
Have a wonderful Monday all. I’m going to be spending mine, freezing my ass off and digging graves for assholes.Cheers!!
There’s a taste of winter here in Bagwine, Ohio today.
Snow showers, windy, and a high temp of 36 will be the conditions on this Sabbath.
And yes, I will be in that virtual wind tunnel known as the drive-through from 11-7 today. Brrrr.
But, I shall persevere; handing off to my customers, 12 packs and cases of that life sustaining goodness that is liquid bread.
Praise the Lord, and pass the Milwaukee’s Best Light.
After work, I am off to check on my kid’s progress on his science report/project. He has to give a report on the element, zinc on Thursday.
Exciting stuff, no?
I have always been a big fan of zinc. On more than one occasion, zinc oxide has cleared up mysterious rashes that I incurred after having sex with mysterious women.
Many a time a smile has graced my face as I came across a shiny, new penny lying face up on the sidewalk.
Zinc is also one of my favorite words in the German language. An example of its use, you ask?
“I zinc vee should castrate da French und shitten-zie on da Brits.”
Ahhhh zinc…Just one more good reason to offer up a big shout to that Great Alchemist in the Sky. Halleluiah!!
As we conclude today’s service I ask that you pray to the Holy Baby Jeebus, and ask him to keep me warm today as I do God’s work selling beer and cigarettes.
In the Lord’s name, we pray…
Amen, and Amen.
Now go ye all, and enjoy your Sunday. I hope you think of me upon my return home tonight at 8:30. And let your Sunday evening thought of me be this:
“I hope that Matt-Man’s dork hasn’t frozen, become brittle, and fallen off.”Cheers!!
Hi Kids…
See that picture on the right there?
That is our couch/my bed. That is where I sleep, eat, and watch TV.
I call her, “Kelly”…I love Kelly. She comforts me while I slumber or enjoy a cup of hot coffee while watching the morning news.
She’s a good, good, woman. Today, I need her more than usual.
After managing to escape this past winter and spring without the flu or even much of a cold, I have been stricken by a virulent cold virus.
I think I picked it up while hanging out Saturday with an incredibly adorable 13 year old boy. My son, you perverts, my son!! Jeez.
Little did I know that while we laughed, tossed the football, and sat together watching ESPN, he was also conducting a full-frontal germ warfare attack upon me.
He’s fine now…I feel like crap. And not just any kind of crap…
The kind of crap one might experience after a night of consuming Vienna Sausages, corned beef hash, jalapeno poppers, and cheap Tequila…Served together in a bowl full of Dick Cheney’s man juices gleaned from his Vice-Presidential prick as he watched Apocalypse Now.
Yeah, that’s exactly the type of crap that I feel like. Not good.
So, have a good day, and I will respond and cruise the internets as best I can, but for the most part I will be laying on top of Kelly...
At least until, I go to pick up my adorable virus factory from school. After that, I am going to drag my ass to work tonight.
If you feel compelled to do so, and you have even the slightest concern for my well-being, send me some soup; soup would be nice. Or, a nice, cozy tit shot of yourself. I like tits.
Until, well…um, until whenever…
Cheers!!
Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.
