Tuesday, February 09, 2010

God From The Machine

Maybe it’s the dread of the White Death that is coming to Bagwine, Ohio and the 8-12 inches of snow we’re supposed to get from it but man…

I had one helluva crazy dream Sunday night/Monday morning.

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a warm summer day, and the fundraiser was being held at a park.

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.


While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.


After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…

Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second.

Cheers!!

28 comments:

MysteryChick said...

Matt-Man,you really need to lay off the Chinese before bed!

3 Men and a Lady said...

LOL! Hilarious, Matt! But I can't believe you desecrated a Gone With the Wind poster like that... Beck and O'Reilly??

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Bite your tongue...Me no likey Chinese food. Maybe it was the wine. Cheers Chick!!

Lady: Ha. Thanks. I found the poster on Google images. Some of my better posts happen when I have absolutely nothing when I sit down to type. Cheers Lady!!

MysteryChick said...

You ate liver, from a crock-pot, but you no likey Chinese? I knew it, Shmoop IS a saint!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I like Beef Lo-Mein...of course all that is, is beef and noodles. Schmoop's a Saint? Of which Satanic cult I must ask. Cheers Chick!!

Jay said...

I never realized how much you were into hallucinogens. Hunter S Thompson would be "Damn, this just ain't right." :-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: If he was here to say that about a post of mine...I'd be so damn proud. I'd probably weep. Cheers Jay!!

bobbybegood1 said...

LMAO! It wasn't Chinese food -- nooooooo. It was all that damn pizza Pizza Bill gave ya. How many freaking pies did you eat Man?

Speaking of hallucenogens (see Jay). Are you sure dem was button-top mushrooms on dem pies?

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Ha...Only one pie and no mushrooms, but perhaps the meat was actually Sausage and Peyote-roni. Cheers BBG!!

Desert Rat said...

"Peyote-roni!" ha ha! Actually, that was one hell of a dream. Much better than my dreams - which most of the time I don't remember - wait - maybe they ARE good and my subconscious won't let me remember because it would be too damaging to my psyche. [Although, recently I dreamed that Donna "forgave" me and it didn't cause damage but rather annoyed me. What do you think that means?]

BTW, nice picture of the "retard."

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I can almost always remember at least parts of my dreams, and frankly, oft times I wish I couldn't. Ha...I'm not a dream interpreter, but damn. And one last thing? Whcih retard are ya talkin' 'bout? Cheers Rat!!

Desert Rat said...

The 'tard I'm referrin' to is in your Sunday Morning Church Disservice. I'm flattered to be keeping company with such "normal" people - hee hee!

Scott Oglesby said...

Damn Matt, I’m starting to think that you and Jay are Trojans sent out by James Patterson’s super writing computer to take over the world. You just put the fuck in WTF(?)

Sorry, I’m just jealous that I don’t have cool dreams like that. BTW, did you see Stewart on O’Reilly the other day? I still get surprised by what an ignorant, mean-spirited, downright stupid, cocky asshole O’Reilly actually is.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Yeah the 'tard in that picture from Sunday is uber-hot. I love that picture of you. Cheers Rat!!

Scott: Ha. It is incredible how many times Jay and I post on similar subject matter on the same damn day. O'Reilly is an asshole, but man, Stewart was cool and funny in that interview. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

I almost stopped reading after saying that you were at a fundraiser for Sarah Palin... buit I kept reading. Oh boy this might be your most irevereant yet!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Thanks. It just came to me as I sat down and took me only twenty minutes to write. I love when that happens. Cheers Doc!!

Dana said...

There are days when I am so glad I cannot see inside your brain ... today would be one of those!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Hee Hee. And all along I thought you loved me for my mind. Cheers Dana, Keep the Faith!!

Bond said...

Congrats on the win...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Now see folks? Vin is a guy who cut through the crap and got to the thrust of this post. I won. Cheers Vinny!!!

Mike said...

Just thinking about dragging SH 50 yards makes me tired. I think I need a nap.

Matt-Man said...

MIke: Well if you do nap, I hope you have the same dream...It's kinda of funny, and if you're like me, you'll see it in technicolor. Cheers Mike!!

Four Dinners said...

My dreams are even weirder but I daren't tell you or the men in white coats might come around...

Matt-Man said...

Four: Oh go ahead...I have plenty of whiskey on hand. Cheers FD!!

Lu' said...

You bring out the bad in me, So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape. ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Matt-Man said...

Lu: HA...And typically you always hit on my favorite line, Lu. I really dug the phrase, "Parkinsonian". Cheers Pal!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Hawking must have been drinking RIPPLE!

leelee said...

Ha-Sterical!!! lololol brilliant..

HUGS!!