Hosni Mubarak and The Egyptian Protestors Don't Know How Good They Have It!!

Cue the theme music from Jaws, for the Great White Death is coming once again to Bagwine, Ohio.

Monday night through Tuesday we are to expect freezing rain with “significant icing”.

Tuesday night through Wednesday, we are supposed to receive more than a few inches of snow, and then, THEN, the temps are allegedly going to drop quicker than the fame of Ted Williams and his Golden Voice.

Ice, snow and frigid temps…

A Trifecta of Terror unseen since the 1940’s when militant chefs within the Rome/Berlin/Tokyo axis created and force fed Sauerbraten and Sushi Pizza to the conquered masses of Ethiopia, Poland, and the Philippines.

Oooooo, I shudder at the thought, as do most of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio.

The reporters from every local TV station are already camped out at the grocery stores in order to capture video of folks buying up staples of, “milk, bread, and eggs.”

Evidently when people are stuck in their houses due to a snowstorm, they crave the comfort and security that only consuming milk, bread, and eggs can provide. Or, they feel like baking a cake…I dunno.

This is not good folks.

It could be a serious meteorological event that will test the will, mettle, and survival skills of yours truly…a test of survival and nerve more daunting than that which is currently being experienced by the protestors in Egypt.

Sure…

Egyptians throughout…um…Egypt are, as we speak, staring down the business end of tanks and the continued diet of couscous and oppression; however, it’s warm there, and they can move about the violence ridden streets.

Me?

When this haymaker of frozen Hell hits the glass jaw of Bagwine, Ohio, I could very well be stuck inside the digs Tuesday and Wednesday with Schmoop.

Two entire days with no way out, no where to go, and the Schmoop right there with me.

“But Matt?”, you ask. “What is so bad about that? Schmoop is kinda hot!!”

Well my friends, let me tell ya…Schmoop is, and will come Tuesday and Wednesday, still be ragging!!

That’s right…

If the forecast is correct, I will for two days, be isolated from the outside world, inside a tiny apartment, with a grumpy, sarcastic chick who is on her period.

Pfffft…

Fuck the Egyptians. I am the one who will be suffering, and where is 24/7 news coverage of my plight of oppression and internal upheaval?

Oh that’s right…

They’re at the grocery stores interviewing rude, panicking, mouth breathers with screaming kids who are buying up all of the God Damn milk, bread, and eggs!!

Fuckers.

Anyhoo…Happy Monday to you all, and if you never hear from me again, it means one of two things…

Either Schmoop couldn’t take me any longer, and gutted me like a trout, or…

I tried to escape, slipped on the ice, and died from a sub dermal hematoma.

Either way…my demise won’t make the news.

Cheers!!

Happy Friday, Big Boy....I'm Stayin' Home

Happy Friiiiiiday Chuckleheads!!

The greater Bagwine Metroplex is in shut down mode. The five inches of snow have left the Gotham of Ohio in a state of comatosis…Well, yeah it’s a word now ya bastards!!

The roads are covered in snow and ice. The schools are closed. Schmoop took a vacation day.

(Although I think Schmoop took the day off not because of the icy roads, but rather so she could stay home, drink beer, and have hot sex with me, and really…can ya blame her? Of course not.)

I really have nothing of worth to say today, and yes I know, many of you are saying that that is the case every day, but felt like checking in. It’s what I do. It’s all I do. I have no job!!

Anyhoo…

Jayman and I had a pretty good show last night. We discussed unemployment, the upcoming SOTU address, and we even played one of Kim Fragile’s outtakes:



(to listen, click where the player says, "twaudio")

We were also first, fast, an factual with today’s school closings. As stated last night and coming to fruition this morning, The Chappie James Academy and Mulligan Stew Academy are indeed closed today. God we’re good!!

If you’re snowed in today or perhaps just need to kill some time before you begin your weekend, you can listen to our show utilizing the handy dandy BTR player:

If you can, just listen to a couple of minutes so Jay and I can have I’m With Stupid race up the ratings charts. We have nothing else to live for. So c’mon…throw us a bone.

That’s all I have. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with lots of alcohol and plenty of sex.

Until next time my friends…

Cheers!!

Bagwine, Ohio: Death From Above

This is it folks. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

This could very well be my last post ever.

For this time tomorrow there could very well be an inch or two of snow accumulation already on the ground with another four or five inches to fall through Wednesday morning.

If I can, I will set up my shortwave and try to communicate with you that way. Of course, batteries can only power my radio unit for a few hours.

After my radio goes dead, the only way I will be able to communicate with you will be through the power of prayer.

In that case, I hope you will harness my supplications from the winter winds of the astral plane and hold Schmoop and I close to your hearts.

While the white death remains some 16-20 hours away, the warning sirens, in the form of speakers sounding, “Clean up Aisle 5.” and “Frozen pizzas need re-stocked in Aisle 12.”, are already shattering the calm of this anxious Monday morning.

The grocery stores are clamoring, filled with the nervous, unwashed masses:


Upon a closer look, many of the denizens of Bagwine are making sure that no one gets in their way as they make certain that their family has food to eat during this crisis:


Sadly, much like during the tribulation and the Second Coming of Christ, even children will be among those left behind:


Schmoop and I will take in those who we can.

Well, we would…I mean unless she stays home tomorrow and we eat, drink, and have blizzard sex all day, but it will be with heavy heart for those left behind, that we will do so.

I must go now, for I must prepare for the impending doom. Wish us well, for Mother Nature and the crazy bitches reaching for the last loaf of bread take no prisoners.

Until tomorrow, should God deem it so, I bid you as always…

Cheers!!

Death...It Creeps Upon Us in the Form of a Frozen, White Tortise

Brace yourself, Bitches!! Snow is coming to Bagwine, Ohio.

Not just any snow…it could be as much as a few inches. Our situation here in the burg, is one of panic, chaos, and hopelessness.

Mothers are grocery shopping. Fathers and Baby Daddies are drinking. Little ones are weeping.

My full Monday post and the level of inhumanity perpetuated cannot be well-written until I get an accurate forecast as to the amount of snow we will be getting, so…

I will have to wait until Monday morning.

A thousand pardons…and as always,

Cheers!!

God From The Machine

Maybe it’s the dread of the White Death that is coming to Bagwine, Ohio and the 8-12 inches of snow we’re supposed to get from it but man…

I had one helluva crazy dream Sunday night/Monday morning.

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a warm summer day, and the fundraiser was being held at a park.

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second.

Cheers!!

The Urban Dictionary: They Know the Matt-Man

Bagwine and Facebook buddy, Irene, gave me a head’s up on this…

Anyone can go to the Urban Dictionary website, type their name in, and it will give the person a definition or definitions for their name.

I must say, the Urban Dictionary was dead on when defining me…Matt.

Take a look...

Matt---

Ancient Greek translation for "eternal sex-god". It is believed that anyone that holds this name has a great level of skill and ability to perform sexual acts for long periods of time. Men possessing this name are also well endowed.

Girl 1: I wish my boyfriend was a matt
Girl 2: Oh you poor thing

An attractive, smooth-talking, charming young man. When you’re with him, he makes you feel like a princess; when you’re not, you know he is making another girl feel the same and not even thinking of you.

Becky: I dont understand, we had so much fun last week! why hasn’t he called?!?'
Jessica: I told you that guy was a matt. you should have listened to me!'

An extremely good looking male, otherwise known as a Sexy Beast. Throughout history, Matts have been known to be an exceptional specimen of the human male. The 'Matt' are often popular due to their social adeptness.

Girl 1: Hey, did you see that new movie 300? It was kick ass.
Girl 2: Of course! It was like a movie of 300 half-naked Matts!

And of course there’s this entry…

Masturbating After Touching Titties.
or
Masturbating After Touching Testicles.

Fundita: Fundo saw Matt at the strip club.
Fundala: Which strip club?
Fundita: I never asked his preference.

Holy Cow!! Could the Urban Dictionary be any more dead on when talking about yours truly? I don’t fucking think so.

Even Schmoop agreed with eveything they wrote...other than the well-endowed part.

That’s all I gots. That’s all there is. There isn’t any more.

Have a wonderful Friday all. I will be preparing for the White Death that is on the doorstep of Bagwine, Ohio.

Oh the humanity!!

Cheers!!

Help A Brother Out

Boy do I catch hell when my post is not up "on time". I received a couple of e-mails about my tardiness...

To you folks who obviously started drinking the Hater-ade early today and attacked me through the tubes of the Internets, I rebuke you.

And please, my late mom had nothing to do with me not posting "on schedule". I mean, really.

The reason I am "late" today is because we are preparing for the White Death to invade Bagwine, Ohio. A full 2-4 inches of snow is on the way, and Schmoop is home sick today.

A double whammy of drammy for the Matt-Man. Oh the Humanity!!

Anyhoo...

I was just thinking of what to make for dinner tonight. I need something that is easy in case the roof falls in from the weight of the snow, the power goes out, and Schmoop needs help to the bathroom.

I thought Hamburger Helper would be a good go to meal. However...

I used all of the hamburger we had on hand in last night's repast. But then I thought, that that shouldn't stop me from making Cheesy Hashbrown off brand Hamburger Helper.

So, I may make this...


Damn straight, Bitches...Hot Dog Helper!!

Schmoop is telling me that my idea is one of the grossest things she has heard of, and at this time is saying she will not partake of it tonight.

I said unto her:

"I shall take the recipe to the readers of Bagwine, and see what they think."

So guys, gals, and transgendered meth heads....what say thou....um, thee?

Cheers!!

Working Through the White Death and the Weekend

Oh my God. The White Death is currently crippling the Bagwine area. We must have at least ¼ inch of snow on the ground.

And the roads? Well, at 32 degrees our roads are very, very, very…um…wet. You know, like it rained or something.

But as some of the preeminent freaks in the world reside in Bagwine, drivers ’round here will freak out and cause wrecks left and right.

Oh well, as long as I safely make the three minute drive to work today I will be a happy man. Did Matt-Man say “work”, you ask?

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be working ALL day today. 11 A.M.-9 P.M. And that’s not all, no sir-ree-bob.

I am working 11 A.M.-7 P.M. tomorrow. Holy Moly, I will be spending the entire weekend de-thristifying and selling smokes to stressed out last minute holiday shoppers.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like the Santa Claus of the Beer and Cigarette world. Ho, Ho, Ho, burp, hack.

Schmoop picked up some candy canes for me so that I can pass them out to all of the hot babes that come through this weekend. I have approximately 40 candy canes, which means…

After I pass out canes to all of the really hot babes that come through our Drive-Thru, when I am done working the weekend, I will still have 36 candy canes to put on our tree at home.

Wish me if you will, a quiet, tip laden, moron free 18 hour weekend stint at the Beer Mine. I thank you in advance.

I went to Ryno’s basketball game last night. Oy Vay!! His school, which is a small private school, stepped up in competition this year by joining a conference that has some Division III and IV High School powers.

Well my friends…Last night, it showed…and showed…and showed.

Many people would call the game last night, “a character builder”. Ryan’s team got brutalized and posterized by a score of 62-18. The ugliness of the final score was matched only by the play of Ryno and his teammates.

The varsity team fared little better, losing 71-41. Oh well…live, learn, and get better.

Lastly…

Here’s to my nephew Kevin. Kevin will be graduating from Eastern Illinois University today. Congratulations to the big guy and to his dad (my brother Denny), who did a fine job raising him and Kev's brother and sister.

Have a wonderful weekend all. I’ll pop in when I can, provided some non-driving mo-fo doesn’t crash into the Beer Mine on the ¼ inch of snow.

Cheers!!

Snow on the Serengeti of the Midwest

There are many cultural aspects, events and activities around here that make living in Bagwine, Ohio enjoyable.

We have a fantastic, free Summer Arts Festival…A venue in the Clark State Center for the Performing Arts that draws top notch acts…

A thriving crack and methamphetamine industry.

But, what really makes this town of 60,000 or so come alive, is the four or five times every winter when anywhere from 2-6 inches of snow is predicted.

When the weather gurus announce an impending snowfall, the serene, peace loving, and in many cases, strung out denizens of Bagwine get all jacked up and devolve into:

Grocery Store Wildebeests of the White Death

Tuesday evening into Wednesday Morning our fair hamlet may be under the grips of 2-3 inches of snow. This my friends, in Bagwine terms is, The Apocalypse.

Late Monday through the day Tuesday, grocery stores throughout the city will be packed with panicked people in search of enough food to sustain them through the impending frozen maelstrom.

Every aisle will be filled with an unwashed crush of people trampling underfoot with the sound and fury of the Wildebeest herds thundering across the Ndutu Plains.

And smelling like, well…mothballs and taint sweat.

Furiously, limbs will be grabbing for staples such as bread, milk, and Krispy Kremes.

Shouts of “Get out of my way lady.” and “Screw the Salmonella, I need 3 sacks of Nutter Butters and a gallon of Peanut Butter Passion Ice Cream to go along with my Diet Pepsi!!”

Oh my, the stampede of gastronomic greed and fear is not for the feint of heart.

During an impending bout of White Death, even a younger person can be injured by an elderly lady when standing in between her and her can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. (3 for $4.00 now thru Wednesday at your local Kroger store!!)

If the forecast holds, and the projected doom draws nigh, I will videotape the migration of the White Death Wildebeests for you.

I will risk my life so that some of you may in the future, live...

And now, a belated Happy Birthday shout out to longtime Bagwine friend Katherine. The uber lovely Kat turned 50 on Saturday.

If you get a minute, please click HERE and go wish her a Happy Birthday. She’s a sweetheart…most of the time.

Lastly, Bagwine Ruminations is currently linked on the website of the 50,000 Watt talk radio giant 700 WLW, which broadcasts from Cincinnati.

Funny man Scott Sloan who typically does the 9 P.M.-12 A.M. show on WLW, has linked Bagwine Ruminations in the, Fresh, Hot Links section of his web page.

If you don’t believe me, or want to see images of one of the most disturbed men doing talk radio today, click HERE.

Bring on the White Death, and enjoy your Monday, all.

Cheers!!

African-American Like Me

An open letter to "people of color", and in fact, to ALL people:

I don’t talk much about race.

I grew up going to school with African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Asian-Americans, and white kids…

I had a great time, but there is something missing; can you guess what it is?

I, the Matt-Man, do not have a hyphen next to my group.

This issue has come to the forefront.

Since we are in an embattled Presidential election that involves a “Half-Black, Half-White, Half-Sure of What He Wants to Do…um…Black Man”, I felt the need to discuss this.

Schmoop and I were talking yesterday, and we agree…This label of “African-American” is silly.

Okay, certain folks went from being called, slave, to negro, to colored, to Afro-American, to Black, to African-American…

What the fuck do you people want to be called? What do you call yourselves?

I know, there are plenty of people with white guilt who are more than happy to say, that some of their best friends are, “African-Americans”, but c’mon, in silent social circles, what do you call yourselves?

I myself, use the term, “black”. You know why? Because you are!! Okay maybe not black, black. But I’m not white, white.

I’m more of a whiter shade of pale, while at the same time, Schmoop is nearly an alabaster color. And there are many more shades of whiteness that abound.

Yes, I know you may be brown, tan, sienna, whatever, but can’t we all just say “black“? Can’t we all just say, “white”?

Or better yet, can't we just say, "She's Lisa; he' s Greg." Without any color or ethnicity reference?

It makes life easier.

Philosophically, I am not a big, “life is black and life is white” person, but in this case, it makes sense.

Yes, we all use labels when it comes to ethnic pride, such as German-Americans, Italian-Americans, and in my case, Irish-Americans.

Our groups, however, harbor two distinct differences between us and many “African-Americans”.

First of all, we white folk, typically only refer to ourselves that way during an annual parade or a drunken festival once a year that benefits pedophile Priests and/or folks who want the trains to run on time.

Secondly, we do not claim an entire continent. I, for one, have NEVER called myself a European-American.

Claim all of Africa as your heritage, and you run the risk of being called, “uppity”.

I guess what I am saying is that Americans, of all races, creeds, and ethnicities have become uber-sensitive. It’s time to stop it.

If you want to be proud of your ethnicity, have at it. Be proud. I am of mine…

But please, you can be black, white, Oriental, Mexican, whatever…I just want you to be you.

Lose the labels…lose the assumptions…lose the stereotypes…just be you.

Cheers!!

The White Death Has A Choke Hold On Bagwine, Ohio

I haven't had time to go back and look at the comments from this week, so I will award the COW tomorrow, during our Sunday Morning Church Disservice.

We are having a pretty decent snow storm. I also have a massive hangover due to last night's Blizzard Bash. Ai Yi Yi...

I did, however, manage to take my ass outside early this morning and capture of few pictures of Mother Nature's PMS outburst.

Enjoy...

The Bagwine Mobile...It's funny how the wind blows, no?

Oooops...It appears that somebody missed the driveway last night. It wasn't me...at least I don't think it was me.

Trust me, there are steps under there somewhere...

This is a view looking across the street...That's a hospital across the road. How convenient for me when it comes time for my liver transplant!!

This is the front porch bench that I sit on in the summer as I watch the cars go by. Or, as I refer to it as, "Idiots on Parade, Brought to You by Old English 800"

Ahhhhhhhhh. Isn't that pretty?

Bad weather can not keep the stupid from venturing out...They're probably on their morning Meth run.

My snow covered knee...I fell down. Now, I am not only hungover; I'm cold and wet as well.

Is this shot a little blurry, or is it just the fog in my brain?

It's a blowin'...The winds are supposed to pick up to around 35 mph shortly...

This car is buried...I don't know whose car it is, but it's parked in a handicap spot so I guess the owner of this car is doubly fucked today.

Enjoy your Saturday folks. We are going to spend it tossing back a few cocktails and going snowblind.

I hope to see you at Church tomorrow. Until then...

Cheers!!

The Snowfall or The Lunacy: Which One Will Be Deeper?

Another Friday here in Bagwine, Ohio and another return of the dreaded “White Death”.

It appears that a late winter storm is going to blanket our area in a snow sewn, ivory foulard.

The people around here will also cover me in an irritating rash of “Oh My God, It’s Like I Have Never Seen Snow Before” stupidity.

We are supposed to get at least 10 inches along with lots o’ blowin’…or to put that into a more human perspective:

That would be equivalent to me hosin’ a chick at least 5 times inside of a wind tunnel.

We are all set here at the Bagwine Manor…

We’ve plenty of beer, Bagwine, and smokes. I am going to make up some Black Bean Burgers today as well.

The only wrench in my preparedness is that school is still open and the snow is supposed to start around Noon.

I can picture Ryno getting released early and me having to fetch him.

That will force me to go out and trek to his school…braving the elements and the rapidly decreasing IQ of other drivers.

I swear to God people...

If I get stuck behind a car going 10 mph and there is a Jesus fish on the back of the vehicle, that driver is going to meet his or her maker sooner that they thought.

Yep, that’s one of the reasons that we call it, “White Death”.

I love the snow, but the ubiquitous jackassedness of others sometimes takes the fun out of Mother Nature’s meteorological mayhem.

Hell, even my beloved Inky and Lola are a bit worried. Some of you may remember what happened to poor Inky earlier this winter…



Well, that’s all I have today, my friends. Please pray for me, and stay in contact with me throughout these trying times.

If my batteries hold up, I will make sure to take pictures of the climatological carnage that is knock, knock, knockin' on Matt-Man's door.

Enjoy your Friday, and I will be in touch throughout the weekend…God Willing.

Cheers!!