Monday, March 29, 2010

It's Super Happy Holy Jeebus Week!! (TM)

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.

Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him, he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language.


Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?
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.
.
.
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I guess not...

Cheers!!

12 comments:

Starrlight said...

A classic photo :P

David said...

Wow - did your church have that same Jesus fucking Christ stained glass window too????

Effing amazing.

And Jeebus is more upset about Joyce Meyers than Pat Robertson or the delightfully dead Jerry Falwell? Really??

Jay said...

My problem with Jeebus asking us to control out language is the "if I can't do it, neither can you" thing. He's always trying to make us give up shit that he has to give up. Sorry, but some of us don't have such strict dads, dude. Just because he has to suffer so much, doesn't mean we have to. ;-)

Desert Rat said...

I am SO excited about Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week (TM)!

Jeebus never stops by the midden, but occasionally I will channel Mary Magdalene. She's pretty tired of the whole ho-bag image and swears that is absolutely NOT how it all went down.

After all, "sin" means "without" in Spanish. It gets a little fuzzy, but I think Jeebus might have been saying, "go and be without no more." I'll see if I can't clear that up the next time I'm one with Mary M.

Desert Rat said...

I notice, too, that while Christ goes shirtless, Jesus prefers the "all over" tan.

Scott Oglesby said...

Damn. There must be a full moon, everybody’s going all batshit.

You bring up an interesting point though. Without plagiarizing George Fucking Carlin, I’ve never understood why people get upset with ambiguous swear words. I totally get the C word with women, racial slurs, and swearing AT somebody. But I never understood the big deal of using fuck. It’s just a word. What the Fucking Fuck? You know what I mean?

???
??

No?

And who is this Joyce Fucking Meyer? I’m too lazy to google….

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

By the 4 Holy Balls of Joseph, Mary, and the Christ you had better clean up your language!

Dianne said...

Holy Fucking Ghost Matt-Man!!
that's some picture

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...one more Jesus and you've got a Holey Trinity!....

Marilyn said...

Bondo wins.

Bond said...

My condolences to Schmoop and her family

Lu' said...

Tell Satan Hi when you see him HA!