Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Holy Tuesday Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

As postal employee Newman once uttered:

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”


On Mondays and Tuesdays, I now work from 10 A.M. til' 9 P.M., so I have little time to surf around, so I shall catch up with ya all sometime Wednesday...Unless my computer pukes, the color is off and it's making a very odd noise.

Cheers!!

13 comments:

Jay said...

I think they videotaped this whole thing too. I'm pretty sure I've seen it posted to redtube.com ;-)

Marilyn said...

I always thought that story was suspect.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Oh no, your computer is acting up?

LOL-ing at the Lilith Fair thing. That's where Teva sandals got their inspiration!!! The biblical women. Makes total sense now.

Scott Oglesby said...

That story was hilarious, they should have hired you to rewrite the bible….maybe they still should.

See, this is one of those stories that has me convinced that Jesus was a solid dude, and Paul really ruined the whole thing with his whole fire and brimstone bullshit. If you just look at Jesus’ words, I believe they point entirely to enlightenment. Keep your lamp burning brightly IS enlightenment.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Man, I'll have to check that out. Cheers Jay!!

Marilyn: Oh if you only knew the truth as I know it Marilyn. It's frightening. Cheers Marilyn!!

Lady: Ha. See D? The truth always makes sense when the truth is brought to light. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Hee Hee, maybe I will. and you are correct...Jesus was all about enlightenment. It's a shame that so many "Christians" have no clue as to his message. Cheers Scott!!

Charlene said...

Your version makes more sense than most of the Bible stories....not that religion is logical.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Ha. Thanks, and trust me, it makes more sense as the week goes on. Cheers Charlene!!

Christine said...

You do realize you are going straight to hell right?

Thats okay. I could use all the company I can get.

Matt-Man said...

Christine: I dunno...Jeebus digs me. If he didn't, he wouldn't hang out with me all the time and drink with me. I'll put a good word in for ya. Cheers Christine!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...all that hiking, and they didn't even have Birkenstocks...

Four Dinners said...

You're serious? There's a holy Tuesday?

And there's me been all week with a red hot poker up me arse and I never knew.

I'll sleep better tonight now.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: They prefered the natural look...I hear they all had very hairy legs. Cheers P-Man!!

Four: I try to offer this site as a public service forum. Glad you can rest now. Cheers FD!!