Sunday, June 06, 2010

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Beach Blanket No-No

After a stormy Saturday and Sunday morning it will be clearing here in Bagwine, Ohio giving way to a glorious Sabbath.

Last night after work, I was on Twitter and longtime Bagwine buddy
Karen mentioned something that happened to her, and it reminded me of something I had written about over three years ago.

It remains timely to this day, so please enjoy and learn…

I have written before how I love to fish especially when the big orange lipped carp are engaging in fish sex.

They wallow around in the shallows, the males trying to lure in a hot female with his crank bait, tossing out some cheesy line in carp-speak.

It is a lovely ritual that harkens in Spring. It also reminds me of something that happened to me many, many moons ago.

I guess I was about 17 years old and one late June afternoon my girlfriend at the time and I made our way to a secluded cove at the local State Park to fish.

Well, actually I was fishing and she sat on a blanket and read, but you get the picture. I was catching a few here and there and having a good time.

I turned to my girlfriend at one point to show her a pretty good sized bass that I had caught, and lo and behold there she sat…

Staring at me, smiling. Her legs spread provocatively, and her shirt unbuttoned revealing her lacy red bra and glistening cleavage. Boo Yah…

I could hear the wocka wocka guitar music from every low budget porn movie I had seen blaring in my head. I could feel a pup tent erecting itself in my shorts.

I put down my rod, (no, not that one you pervs, my fishing rod) and lay down next to her. My lips pressed against hers. My hands began caressing her perky nubile breasts.

My tongue licking the salty sweat from her---Well you get the picture.

We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys engaging in sweltering, shape-shifting sexcapades in a mangrove swamp.

Our warm bodies rolling around on white sand and our secret protected by the seclusion and the dense canopy of the cove.

It was a glorious example of young love at its most passionate.

As we neared the state of climactic euphoria, we simultaneously moaned and screamed, for it was at that moment...

That we discovered that we were both covered in ticks.

That’s right...blood sucking, disease laden...ticks.

We were mortified to say the least. My anxious dork went from being a tribute to teenage virility to being a shrunken cowering nob.

We picked ticks from each others most intimate parts like baboons giving each other a rinse and set.

It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.

For two weeks after the fiasco, we still felt ticks crawling on us although it was just our minds trying to process the events.

I have recovered for the most part, but to this day, whenever someone mentions lyme disease or spotted fever I cross my legs and let out a little whimper.

I tell you this now in order to prevent it from happening to you.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful, and tick-free Sunday my friends.



MysteryChick said...

Grreeaat! Now every time I feel the slightest tickle I'll be looking for ticks and I'm not even leaving the house today!

Phfrankie Bondo said... ass crack will never itch the same way again...

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The only thing grosser would have been leeches. Ewwwww.

Mrs. D said...

What a bummer! Just when things were going so good :-( Ticks completely gross me out, I can totally feel your pain.

Karen said...

That WAY worse than what happened to me. And no matter what the circumstances, I will never takes my pants off in public again.

Dana said...

I have never had the pleasure of picking a tick off anyone ... and no, that wasn't a sexual euphemism!

Charlene said...

Sex near water is fun, but not on sand! I haven't gotten a tick in about 20 years. I think I spend too much time indoors.

Jeff B said...

That must have really ticked you off.

Yes, I had to go there!

David said...

I feel your pain on this one - my experience in this direction was an attack by mosquitos as we shared our passion after a picnic in the woods. I also got stung by a jellyfish while having fun whoopie in the ocean during our honeymoon. I've pretty much kept it in the bedroom since that.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I felt them on me for a long time after that and even though it was all in my head after that time. Cheers Chick!!

Phfrankie: Not knowing how it itched previously, I'm not sure how to take that. Cheers P-Man!!

Evil: Good point. Leeches are vile creatures. Cheers ETW!!

Matt-Man said...

D: I hated them prior to that episode and that only added to my loathing of them. Cheers D!!

Karen: Ha. I won't go that far. I like to take my pants off in public. And your comment about Mika that you made on Friday's post eanred two laugh out louds and two thumbs up from both Schmoop and I. Cheers Karen!!

Charlene: We had a blanket down but they saw right through that. Ick. Cheers Charlene!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: It wasn't the sexiest thing in the world. I emailed my old gf this morning to tell her I had posted this and she was thinking about it last weekend we she went fishing. Nearly 30 years later the horror is seared into our minds. Cheers Dana!!

Jeff: Well if you hadn't; you wouldn't be you. Cheers Jeff!!

David: Sounds like a good idea. You seem to be a pest attractor. Cheers David!!

Scott Oglesby said...

“We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys engaging in sweltering, shape-shifting sexcapades in a mangrove swamp.”

I don’t know if I ever told you about my niche romance novel get rich quick scheme or not, but I’d like to speak with you about a terrific employment opportunity.

If you can either add a bondage scene or some golden showering I’ll hire you right on the spot.

BTW, the same thing happened to me at Maraine State Park one year. Ticks suck!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha...You know? I think this post was actually one of my more well written posts. I can throw a golden shower into it for your use.

And you're right, ticks suck both litterally and figuratively. Cheers Scott!!

Mandy said...

OMG...that is quite a fish story...I mean quite a story there, Matty!

Ick... :)

Matt-Man said...

Mandy: It was horrible...And yet, I still picture the pre-tick nakedness of her. ; ) Cheers Mandy!!

Lu' said...

Oh I like ticks; DEAD!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Is there any other way that they are acceptable? I think not. Cheers Lu!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Lmao...My mom and dad were big time hippies back in the day (and eww! NO this is NOT a story of my immaculate conception!) but they swam Duck Creek with some bagwine and herbage on the side with another couple...needless to say their friend J*$#@ was an INCREDIBLY hairy dude...I'm talking genetic missing link hairy.. They all got covered in LEECHES. UGH! ANY parasite that sticks to the body either sucks, blows or both! Cheers indeed!

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: Ha. That is creepy. Maybe the hairy dude moreso than the leeches. Cheers Doll!!

Mike: I know. Oy. Hate em. Cheers Mike!!

Marilyn said...

That would put a damper on outdoor adventures for a while.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: And it thusly did. Cheers Marilyn!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.
So very very wrong....but still I had to laugh!

(I think you may be onto something with the more hair=more leeches theory!)