Monday, June 07, 2010

Matt-Man: THE Enforcer

On my friend Dana’s site a week or two ago, the subject of bullying came up.

I chuckled.

Not because of the incident that transpired, the incident was sad, but because it triggered something in my head.

I find this fact funny…I am a badass, and always have been. I know you don’t believe me, but allow me to ‘splain.

In spite of my amusing verbal jabs, annoying attitude, and penchant for being a sarcastic jerk who tends to be a pacifist, I am the enforcer.

No, better yet, I have a history of being THE Enforcer.

All through elementary school, I would jump all over any person who dare taunt a friend of mine.

In Junior High, my friend Joe was being accosted verbally by a puke named Jeff Craig. Joe was not a wimp, but he wasn’t big, and Jeff was picking on him one day outside the library.

I approached Mr. Craig, and asked if there was a problem. Jeff said, “I’m gonna kick skinny boy’s ass.” And then he proceeded to push my buddy Joe.

I am naturally left handed, but I threw a right that decked Mr. Jeffy-Boy. There was no trouble between him, Joe or I ever again.

The librarian, Mrs. Roberts, much like Sergeant Schultz, claimed, when the investigation ensued, that she saw nothing. I to this day, thank her for that.

And then…We move to High School.

I was a sophomore, and I was walking the hallway one day when I saw a guy Randy, practically throw a chick, Lisa, up against a locker.

I said to myself, “Self? This isn’t right.” So I went up to the loving couple, and he said, “Mind your own business.” And then? He made a crucial mistake…

He touched me.

I grabbed the punk by the collar and threw him across the 20’ hallway. His head smacked against a locker.

While I did the right thing, I bet those two are married today. It is Bagwine, Ohio after all.

I also beat the crap out of a guy who felt he had the right to my High School girlfriend. I didn’t pick the fight, but he tried to jump me at a stop sign one day, and beat me up…

I kicked his ass…and I felt bad about it.

The last physical Matty-Boy enforcement was at a bar some 12-15 years ago.

I was at a local Irish bar owned by and bartended by friends of mine, and a drunk guy got “on the loose”.


I’m all for getting a buzz on and getting loose, but this dude was a jerk.

The drunk started giving my buddy bartender some crap and then said he was going to “kill him with my gun.”

Well…..

Not standing for that, I got up, went up to said drunk and threw him against the wall.

As the bartender called the cops, I held the gun threatener against the wall with my forearm in his throat until they arrived.

The cops were really cool about my “incarceration” techniques.

So there you have it. Lovable Matt-Man…

Just don’t screw with me nor dare fuck with those whom I love. And another thing...Even to this day...


If you're a bully, and you screw with me, or especially my friends in real life or online...I will fuck you up.

It may be verbally; it may be with a fist...Either way, you will go down.

Cheers!!

24 comments:

Mandy said...

Oh I like 'Matty THE Enforcer"! There is just something about a man that will defend someone's honor!

You get 'em Matty!

Kim said...

I also like The Enforcer.

You have to do what you have to do, don't mess with friends or family!

Cheers Matt!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

WTFG Matt-Man!!! I, at 5'3' am not the scary 'type' but trust me when I say mothers weep when they see what I do to their sons...No I stole that from 'Tommy Boy'. But still, at 92 lbs in High School ( I am no longer in Bagwine OH but the Bagwine is with me, much like the Force) I would beat the crap outta plenty of people, namely guys that thought "Self, I think I'll try to hit on this little blonde chick". It went rather well until I went Jerry Springer and had to restrain myself. I was bullied a LOT. I hate bullies. They deserve to learn the error of their ways by roasting on a spit. So be the badassed Enforcer you are, cos I'm here to tell you, you didnt cross any lines and the (ohio re3dnecks lol) just can'tseem to get it. (Don't kill anyone, I dont have enough room for a cell mate:) XOXO Isobel

Matt-Man said...

Mandy: Well thank ya...I'd rather talk myself and those around me out of things, but I am not adverse to defending myself or others. Cheers Mandy!!

Matt-Man said...

Kim: Damn right. And I like to negotiate, but sometimes others don't. Cheers Kimmeh!!

Isobel: Ha. I was just thinking of you because I came across a post on which you commented.. Hope you are well ya, nut. And I mean that in an endearing manner. Cheers Doll!!

Dana said...

No I am really alarmed ...

Cam is much like you describe yourself at his age - does that mean he's going to grow up to be like you??

I suppose there could be worse things ... let me get back to you on that *BIG GRIN*

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...I just posted this not to make me look "tough" but
because I don't think people see me as this kinda guy. It's so "un-me".

But Hell, if Cam grew like me, there could be worse things. Right? Cheers Dana!!

doggybloggy said...

good luck to anyone that relates to this - matt you are a loser pussy - you were bullied your whole life because you are a bully and it is fortunate you are too fucked up to be a cop - you dabbled in this and you dabbled in that and you dont have the balls to comment on my blog - challenge me - challenge my "controversial ingredients" you think its ok to take pictures of underage girls panties you stupid prick - thats where our differences began....you, my cherry friend, are a big bag of nothing. HUff and Puff - step out big boy - there is a big blog world out there ...

MysteryChick said...

I, for one, am happy to see people step up when they see an injustice being done. However they do it.

Too many in this world are happy to sit back and pretend they don't see what's staring them right in the face.

Karen said...

You are good guy Matt. There are times when we all need someone to stand up for us. You should have yelled "Citizen's Arrest" when restraining the gun guy. I have waited my whole for the opportunity to make a citizen's arrest.

Scott Oglesby said...

I was hoping I wouldn’t come here to find tornado destruction and mayhem.

I was the same way throughout my life. Even though I’m only 5’9 and 165 pounds (of pure steel, death, muscle, ripping, fire, death) I’ve always defended those who were being picked on. I have a bad temper and when bullies see craziness they begin to frighten.

That said, I haven’t gotten into a fight in probably 10 years. And thank God because I would have gotten my ass kicked during my drunken years.

Jay said...

I was trying to remember a time when I stood up for someone being bullied, but then I remembered that I WAS the bully. Ha! Okay, I'm kidding.

My greatest moment was when I blasted some dude with a baseball bat who was beating on his wife.

It's good to stand up for someone who needs it. I hate people who just look the other way and don't help out.

Matt-Man said...

Doggy: Did you eat feces and mescaline before you typed that 'cause all I hear is a bunch of fucked up shit comin' out your mouth. Cheers Bitch!!

D: I'm here to help...and hopefully get a little along the way. Cheers D!!

Chick: Been that way my entire life. Although I try to avoid physical violence. Especially now that I'm old and used up. Cheers Chick!!

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Ha. I should have but I knew that the cops had already been called. But yeah, that would have been cool. Cheers Karen!!

Scott: No, the tornados stayed north of here.

Oh hell, I'm the same way Scott. I'm not an Iron Man or anything either and outside of those incidents I can only recall a few childhood incidents that involed the use of force. Cheers Scott!!

Jay: Damn dude. Good job. And I too, do not to stand idly by when somethig like that happens. Cheers Jay!!

doggybloggy said...

why dont you do another post about me - it does my ego good.....

Matt-Man said...

Doggy: Did I do one about you? Wow, I apologize. Not to you, but my other readers. Cheers Eunuch Boy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

......aaaaaand it's Matt-Man by a nose!....

Marilyn said...

Almost nobody ever messes with me... I'm taller than most of the men I know. In fact, in middle school, there was a time there, somebody should have beat me up... would have been good for me and learned me a lesson I didn't learn till I was much older. No matter how tough you think you are... there's always somebody tougher.

Dianne said...

This doesn't surprise me Matty

My son is very much the same way although they call him either 'The Peacemaker' or 'The Wall'

he used to love telling drunken asshats that they really don't want to run into 'The Wall'

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I have personally witnessed the Evil Twin kick several asses over the years. He verbally assaults people for parking in handicapped spaces w/o a handicapped tag, tailgating me while I was pregnant, schooling a small child on the proper way to enter an elevator (let the people on get out first, then enter)... He just does not put up with bullshit. It's hilarious.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: He's such a pup. Cheers P-Man!!

Mike: Ha. I know he does. If I wanted to read a food blog, I'd pull up the White Castle website. Cheers Mike!!

Marilyn: Ha. It's good to learn lessons early in life. Oh I know there is always someone tougher. That's why have always tried to talk myself out of situations. Cheers Marilyn!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. The Wall...I like that. I never try to goad anyone. Oh wait, sure I do. Cheers Di!!

Evil: Ha. I like him even more now. I'm the same way, my mouth doesn't remain quiet in situations such as those. Cheers ETW!!

Desert Rat said...

I just like to carry a really big stick. Oh, and those who turn and run away, live to run another day! (I do all my own stunts.)

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Very good. Cheers Lovely One!!