Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Matt-Man: Always Thinking and Solving the World's Ills...You're Welcome.

Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans in D.C. can seem to offer up any viable plan to get this nation out of debt.

Other world leaders and nations are struggling with the same ineptness and intransigence.

I have a plan that will not only get us and the world back on solid financial footing, but economies across the globe will actually flourish.

Unlike the clowns in Washington, London, Beijing, and Ulan Bator…I can think outside the box and get to the root of the problem.

And that root of said problem is…Money.

I know...you’re saying, “No shit Matt-Man, there ain’t enough of it, you dipshit.”

Unbeknownst to you, that within your collective “dipshit” statement towards me, lies the answer.

We change the world economy to a currency based on shit. That’s right, the global currency shall be based on human shit, personal fecal matter, one’s...own...poo.

Why the Hell not? Why were and are certain currencies valued? What has made and makes a diamond worth so much? Why was salt used to pay Roman soldiers?

Because…someone, somewhere deemed that those things were and/or are, valuable.

Well my friends, I deem shit to be valuable and everyone has it; so let’s use something that we all have and for which we can trade for goods and services.

Imagine the possibilities of this wonderful shit-based economy…

There’d be no debt, because naturally, you would “pay as you go”.

Imagine yourself at White Castle or Golden Corral feasting on the all-you can-eat buffet and discover that you have brought no shit with ya to pay for it.

No worries…You know damn well, that before it’s time to go home, you’ll have plenty of shit with which to pay the bill.

Another plus is that the lexicon would change and the jokes would be pretty funny…

“Hey Jim, why does Bob think his shit don’t stink?” “Because Mel, he’s a money launderer.”

You could be sitting in a fancy restaurant with your family of six, and when the waiter brings the overpriced tab, you could say:

“Holy Crap!! Am I ever gonna pay out the ass for this meal!!”

Hilarity would ensue, but more importantly the world would be filthy...stinking...rich.

Dysentery outbreaks, Mexican water, and uncooked sausage would be huge cash cows!!

Going to a Casino would be a riot, because if you hit the jackpot, the one armed bandit you just played, would be oozing out golden shit faster than a Lindsay Lohan yeast infection.

Oh yeah, I think this has potential and real world applications. And best of all?

If this shit based economy comes to fruition, and the dumps that I have taken over the last couple of days continue…

I will become the world’s first bona fide Bowel-ionaire!!

Bottoms Up, and…

Cheers!!

21 comments:

Mike said...

The phrase 'not worth a shit' would become obsolete.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Unless one was constipated. Cheer sMike!!

Jay said...

So, I never should have set that bag of shit on fire in the lobby of my bank. Damn. I burned my payment!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Not only that. Burning currency is illegal!! Cheers Jay!!

Doc said...

How come I never though of this?

Matt-Man said...

Doc: You weren't drunk on Rose!! Cheers my good man!!

Poopy Bondo said...

...so then my toilet becomes a Wells Fargo branch?...

Micky-T said...

So all the people who are full of shit, have more power. I'm not liking that.

What about dogshit, could you maybe get food coupons or something for that?

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Yes!! It would become a depository in a more financial sense. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

Mick: Don't rock the financial boat, I explicitly said Human Shit. Dirty Boat Rocker!! Cheers Mick!!

Raquel's World said...

Ewww I don't like it. But glad I read the comments to know you were "drunk off the rose".

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: I'll never deny the allure of the Rose. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Beth said...

Well if we're going to get rich from this, I better go stock up on SPAM!!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: You have a bod for sex and a mind for money. Cheers and Zoves!!

Dana said...

I have no words ... except those four ... and the ones I am typing now ...

SHIT!

Dianne said...

now ya know damn well that the corporations would come up with a way to make certain groups of people constipated

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Y'know...Why can't you give peace and financial freedom a chance? You're such a naysayer, or does that mean you're on board? Hell, I'm drunk and confused. Cheers Dana!!

Di: I think they already do. Hello? Immodium!! Fuckers. Cheers Di!!

MysteryChick said...

I have never read your blog at lunchtime before...and I never will again!

Other than the pic at the end though, not a bad idea. My ex would be loaded!

joker-satx said...

I would immediately invest in suppository and enema equipment companies....

Hey there is nothing like doubling down on a bet!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Oh c'mom...what's a little shit between friends? Cheers Chick!!

Joker: You are a wise man. Cheers Joker!!

jennifer said...

"Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans in D.C. can seem to offer up any viable plan to get this nation out of debt." This part I completely agree with.

Of course, there would be a whole lot of folks dealing with hemorrhoids from trying to produce more currency. I'll invest in Preparation H stock now, just in case your idea 'catches steam' (wonk wonk wonk waaaah).