Matt-Man: Always Thinking and Solving the World's Ills...You're Welcome.

Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans in D.C. can seem to offer up any viable plan to get this nation out of debt.

Other world leaders and nations are struggling with the same ineptness and intransigence.

I have a plan that will not only get us and the world back on solid financial footing, but economies across the globe will actually flourish.

Unlike the clowns in Washington, London, Beijing, and Ulan Bator…I can think outside the box and get to the root of the problem.

And that root of said problem is…Money.

I know...you’re saying, “No shit Matt-Man, there ain’t enough of it, you dipshit.”

Unbeknownst to you, that within your collective “dipshit” statement towards me, lies the answer.

We change the world economy to a currency based on shit. That’s right, the global currency shall be based on human shit, personal fecal matter, one’s...own...poo.

Why the Hell not? Why were and are certain currencies valued? What has made and makes a diamond worth so much? Why was salt used to pay Roman soldiers?

Because…someone, somewhere deemed that those things were and/or are, valuable.

Well my friends, I deem shit to be valuable and everyone has it; so let’s use something that we all have and for which we can trade for goods and services.

Imagine the possibilities of this wonderful shit-based economy…

There’d be no debt, because naturally, you would “pay as you go”.

Imagine yourself at White Castle or Golden Corral feasting on the all-you can-eat buffet and discover that you have brought no shit with ya to pay for it.

No worries…You know damn well, that before it’s time to go home, you’ll have plenty of shit with which to pay the bill.

Another plus is that the lexicon would change and the jokes would be pretty funny…

“Hey Jim, why does Bob think his shit don’t stink?” “Because Mel, he’s a money launderer.”

You could be sitting in a fancy restaurant with your family of six, and when the waiter brings the overpriced tab, you could say:

“Holy Crap!! Am I ever gonna pay out the ass for this meal!!”

Hilarity would ensue, but more importantly the world would be filthy...stinking...rich.

Dysentery outbreaks, Mexican water, and uncooked sausage would be huge cash cows!!

Going to a Casino would be a riot, because if you hit the jackpot, the one armed bandit you just played, would be oozing out golden shit faster than a Lindsay Lohan yeast infection.

Oh yeah, I think this has potential and real world applications. And best of all?

If this shit based economy comes to fruition, and the dumps that I have taken over the last couple of days continue…

I will become the world’s first bona fide Bowel-ionaire!!

Bottoms Up, and…

Cheers!!

The Economy is Flowing and So's the Booze

Hola Bitches!!

Why do I open today’s post with that line, you ask? Well…

Because tomorrow is Bagwine buddy, Jay’s, birthday.

The Cynical Bastard hizzelf, will be celebrating his 41st year on this big blue marble of ours.

If you get the chance today or tomorrow, stop by his site and wish the funny man a very Happy Birthday.

You can stop by Jay’s digs by clicking HERE. Happy Birthday Jay!!

Now to the matter at hand on this busy day in Bagwine, Ohio.

This week I have introduced you to my four part Bagwine Economic Plan. I have called for raising money through legalized prostitution, drugs, smoking, and taxing churches.

With the exception of the visits and comment from the Joyce Meyer Ministries yesterday, the response has been quite positive.

I think today would be a good time to celebrate not only Jay’s birthday, but the success of my economic plan as well.

So friends, today we will be having a party, and instead of cake we will be feasting on the head of Joyce Meyer.



Dig in people!! Her head is a tasty treat of deceit, avarice, and vanity. Although be warned…It does have an awful aftertaste.

Of course we need to wash it down with something, and that leads me to the fourth and final part of the Bagwine Economic Plan.

After running the numbers of tax revenue generated by parts 1-3, I have found that we can greatly reduce the debt and still give something back to the American taxpayers.

Part Four, my fellow Americans…FREE BOOZE FOR ALL, FOR LIFE.

Be it beer, Bagwine, or top shelf booze, you will be able to get plastered at no cost.

You may suffer a hangover from this benefit but, your wallet will not. Boo Yah!!


So eat a piece of Joyce Meyer’s head and drink up, bitches. It’s a celebration!!

If you would like to see the other three planks of my economic plan you can do so by clicking HERE.

Enjoy your weekend, and…

Cheers!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the 1040Amen

The past two days I have written about ways to infuse much needed cash into our government, and spark the economy.

I spoke about prostitution profits on Tuesday…

And, smoking and drugs windfalls on Wednesday…

Today, the third of my four part Bagwine Economic Plan focuses on…Religion.

The old saying from World War II states, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.”

My plan calls for a new saying…

Praise the Lord, and cough up the money that you have been stealing from viewers in God’s name, you charlatan televangelist bastards, who claim to run a non-profit house of God…You!!

Okay…that was a little wordy, but you get my point.

You want to get a donation in return for some vial of “Holy Water” that is actually Hudson River sewage, over your 800 line?

Have at it…However.

When 78 year old Martha Smith sends in her $29.95, keep in mind that $20.00 of it will go to the government instead of the Lord Almighty…or in your case, a new wine cellar. Do you hear me Paul Crouch!?

We’re going to tax these so called churches...

Tax them to the point where it will be easier for these false prophets to get into Heaven than it will for a dollar to pass through their hands and make its way to a down payment on a 5 million dollar home.

Are ya with me Joyce Meyer?

And by the way Joyce…I know you think you look good, but seriously…

You really look like a cheap New Orleans whore who is soooooo past her prime.

And remember, turnin’ tricks for Jeebus is gonna cost you from now on.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, Kenneth Copeland…It will be a divine miracle if you have a penny left after I am through taxing you, and your “church”.

Of course, that doesn’t matter to you guys, because you have Jeebus in your hearts…right?

And lastly, a message to Pope Benedict XVI…

I realize that you claim to be infallible, but hear me now. You are not "intaxable".

Cough it up, Blitzkrieg Benny…The Catholic Church owes America about a Trinity of a Billion Dollars.

You can start the pay back by paying property taxes on the $470,000.00 house you just bought for the new Archbishop of Cincinnati.

God Forbid, he live above the Church in an apartment like the last Archbishop.

I know…I know…this wasn’t funny like the first two parts of my plan, but I can’t help it.

As much as I like religion, for far too long, and far too often, organized religion/churches have gotten away with economic sacrilege.

More than the Congress and politicians, these types of folks make my stomach turn.

You see, politicians play upon peoples’ fear and ignorance. While not right, fear and ignorance hold little worth.

Televangelists and clerics play upon peoples’ faith. That DOES have worth.

And more importantly, sometimes that is all people have.

Tax the Bastards...Amen.

Cheers!!

Update (9:25 A.M.): Well, well...Ha!! You rock , Joyce. You sleazy co-hunt, you.

Visitor Information: 70.252.207.230 (JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES 2 OF) [Label Visitor]
Location: -, -, UNITED STATES
Last Visit Time: March 05, 2009 9:19:05 AM Length of this Visit: 0 hours and 0 minutes
Page Viewed This Visit: 1 Returning Visits: 0
Entry Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/
Exit Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/
Referrer: No referrer


Feelin' guitly Joyce Meyer...or Art?

Visitor Information: 70.252.207.230 (JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES 2 OF) [Label Visitor]
Location: -, -, UNITED STATES
Last Visit Time: March 05, 2009 12:28:07 PM Length of this Visit: 0 hours and 5 minutes
Page Viewed This Visit: 3 Returning Visits: 0
Entry Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/03/in-name-of-father-son-and-1040a-amen.html
Exit Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/03/in-name-of-father-son-and-1040a-amen.html
Referrer: No referrer

You guys blow...in more ways than one...So sayeth the Little Baby Jeebus!!

Our Nation's Economy Is Going Up...In Smoke!!

Yesterday, I published the first part of my four part plan to stimulate the economy and raise cash for our nation.

That part, which you can read by clicking HERE, dealt with the legalization of prostitution. Today?

We tackle drugs and tobacco.

The first step is easy. Legalize marijuana and tax it. Sure, some states already allow for its use for those who are sick. But seriously…

Much like it’s a shame that youth is wasted on the young, why should the joys of pot be wasted on those who are damn near death?

We could bring in billions by taxing it as we do cigarettes or alcohol. And just think...

With people free to toke the ganja, the snack food and fast food industries would explode.

A windfall for the Feds. Employment opportunities. People smiling.

And, instead of going to a baseball game at a stadium named after a boring, bailed out bank or insurance company…

You could watch the game played within the friendly confines of Taco Bell Field, or Wet Mango Blunt Wrap Stadium.

Hell, all of the players are using illegal substances while playing…Why shouldn’t you get to do the same while watching? You’re welcome.

Crack…Meth…Cocaine? All legal, bitches. Why? Taxes. Oh the money that we could generate, but that’s not all.

The idiots who do crack and the like, will die much sooner than they normally would.

Every time a crack or meth head OD’s, it’s one more societal burden gone and one less person that needs a Social Security check in the future.

Can you begin to see all of our country’s red ink beginning to turn black? Damn right!!

Okay…Here’s the last part of um…part two of the Bagwine Economic Plan. Cigarettes.

Do you enjoy a smoke-free environment? Do you enjoy looking down your collective noses at us smokers? Well, get over it.

Get rid of us 40 million or so Americans who smoke and you lose 15-20 Billion dollars in State and Federal tax dollars alone.

My plan? Encourage the next and following generations to smoke, boosting the number of American smokers to 100 million.

Adjusting for inflation, it would add an additional 40 Billion a year in taxes alone to our government coffers.

How do we do this, you ask? We get the kids to crave a Marlboro from birth.

Every baby formula from Similac, to Enfamil, to Nestle Good Start, would be laced with tar and nicotine.

In fact, I call the infants of this initiative, Tar Babies.

Adding tax revenues, and turning a racial slur into a patriotic moniker. That’s how I roll.

Once they turn 13, they would be allowed to freely purchase and ingest the cigarettes that they crave.

It’s at this point that they would become known as Nico-Teens.

Even the young need to step up to the plate and the cigar bar, and pitch in during this crisis.

I think I’m on to something here. Join me tomorrow for Part Three of Four of the Bagwine Economic Plan.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Stiffening a Soft Economy

We are in the midst of a financial crisis not seen since the day when Paul McCartney married Heather “Pogo Stick” Mills.

This nation cannot continue to print money or borrow cash from those Godless, slant-eyed Devils in Beijing.

Sure, President Obama and Congress are “working” on creating jobs, fixing the banks, and repairing our infrastructure.

That’s nice, cute even. But we need cash in our governmental coffers, people!!

I have a plan that tackles this very issue. It attacks this problem in four different areas. Today, I unveil the first part…

The Prostitution Solution

Oh sure, scoff…But let me tell you, prostitution is a billion dollar industry in this country. We need to legalize it and tax the hell out of it.

If we do that, we will see that not only does sex sell, it pays as well. Just ask Pogo Stick Mills.

I am not simply asking for prostitution to become legal, I am asking that it become encouraged. These are dire times my friends, but Americans always respond.

During World War II, patriotic Americans throughout this land planted Victory Gardens, in order to help the war effort.

I am calling for prostitution to become legal and that busty, young, patriotic chicks heed the call of national duty and become not merely simple hookers, but rather…

Prosperity Pussies!!

And listen to me now you unhappily married men…You’ll be doing your part by paying higher fees for their services.

After all, we can no longer afford to allow you to hire a hooker and experience, Ejaculation without Taxation!!

We need thousands of young ladies to become citizen concubines, and help to infuse sorely needed dollars into our economy.

I have come up with a couple of incentives in order to make this happen.

First of all…Are you a sexy babe between the ages of 18-23, and you’d like a way to pay for college?

If you agree to become a hooker for a period of four years, your college will be paid for by the government.

I call this initiative, the Penetration for Matriculation Service (PMS).

The tax dollars you bring in will more than pay for your tuition, and you’ll be helping to turn a flaccid economy into a throbbing, national ATM Machine.

Older than 23 or feel that college is not for you? Not a problem. Sex is also a product that is part of the global economy and global competition.

You can sign-up to become a member of my hooker export program.

We are going to flood the streets of Bangkok, Moscow, and other international hot spots with sexy, sassy American prostitutes.

This branch of my prostitution solution will be known as, The Piece Corps.

After two years of service banging ill-mannered Russians or unintelligible Thais, you have two options.

You can take a tax free $25,000 grant to start your own brothel here in the States, or…

Put your newly found skills to use by working for the State Department in the diplomatic corps.

Damn right, bitches. Part one of my plan rocks, no? And please, don’t think of this tax as a sin tax…

Think of it as a win tax.

Pass me a condom, levy my tax, and God Bless the United States of America.

I’ll have part two of four, tomorrow.

Cheers!!