Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lung Funk Revisited

A year ago today was the day that yours truly went into the hospital wearing a gallon and a half of sloshy infection around my right lung.

In honor of that fateful day, I re-visit the events that transpired as I went into the emrgency room...

Schmoop walked me over to the Emergency Room of the hospital across the street from us in order for me to be treated for my burgeoning pulmonary infection.

I was checked-in at the ER desk and oddly and fortunately enough, I was admitted to an ER bed within 15-20 minutes.

I was placed under the care of an incredibly cute Jennifer Love Hewitt looking nurse, and a Doctor of non-descript name, nebulous ethnicity, and shadowy credentials.

After having blood drawn, an IV inserted, my clothes removed, and a vitals monitor attached to me, by the uber-sweet and lovely RN nurse, I was then given an X-Ray, a Flu swab, some kick ass pain killer, a CT Scan, and two ultra sounds.

During my in and outs of getting these procedures done, a sick guy, accompanied by his wife/old lady/drinking and meth partner (who we’ll call Candy), was placed into the ER cubicle next to mine.

He was in pain and was audibly moaning due to a malt liquor induced flare up of pancreatitis. The dude was hurting.


After he was placed on the bed and initially looked over by the Doc and the nurse, Candy decided that she was hungry.

She left and shortly came back with a bowl of chili, a sleeve of Saltines, and a Big Slam Mountain Dew.

Through my quasi-coherent, dilaudid induced state, his moaning dissipated, and all that Schmoop or I could hear, was the slurping of chili, the crunch of crackers, and the post-intake belching of Mountain Dew.

Candy, who was not large, was packing her victuals away with rapidity and avarice. And..?

What is lunch in the ER without an afternoon matinee? She flipped on the TV and began to watch, He’s Just Not That Into You.

She began commenting on the players while her mouth was stuffed with chili and crackers.

Although I couldn’t see them, I could picture the chili colored cracker pieces shooting from her pie hole onto the face of her moaning boyfriend lying helpless on the bed.

The doctor came back to check on the guy, at which time Candy left yet again and returned bearing gastronomical goodies such as a Hershey Bar, some kind of juice, and a bag of Cheetos.

The feasting and the movie critiquing continued.

The guy?

He continued to lay there uttering his discomfort in much the same way Peter Boyle did when Gene Hackman poured hot soup onto his crotch in the movie, Young Frankenstein.

Funny thing about the sound of the Cheetos…I never heard the bag rumple. I only heard a continuous, unabated crunching noise.

It was as if this chick was a saber tooth tiger gnawing on one huge ass Pleistocene period Cheeto!!

She stated, after her secondary feast, that she had to go to the bathroom. He moaned, “whatever”.

While she was gone, the guy was administered pain relief and after medical advice was told that he was free to go.

Upon her return, she came bearing more gifts. She said to him…”I brought you some soup, and I got myself one of these dinners.”

He painfully mumbled, “They told me I can leave now.” And Candy responded…

“Well hold on. I’ll eat my dinner real quick. The movie is almost over anyway. We’ll take your soup home.”

Upon hearing this, I looked at Schmoop. She was looking down at the floor and shaking her head in disbelief.

It was at this point that my selflessness once again reared its magnanimous head, for I thought to myself…

I don’t care how much pain and discomfort I may endure over the coming days, it will never rival the pain that Pancreas Boy will be suffering over his coming days.

Be he in good health or poor.

Another lonnnng 10-9 day at The Beer Mine today, and off on Wednesday. See you chuckleheads on Hump Day.



Mike said...

Just in time for halloween. A naughty nurse costume for Schmoop. And to torture you she can eat cheetos.

Charlene said...

Does meth use make you hungry? I thought it supressed the appetite and that's why metheads are so skinny. Maybe the guy's girlfriend is a pothead and he's the methead.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...Seriously, Schmoop will tell ya as well, the ER Nurse I had was HAWT!! And very good at her job and very sweet. She needed no costume. Whew, I dug her. Cheers Mike!!

Charlene: She may have been a pothead but he was definitely a drinker as I heard him utter to her "in private" that he had just downed 3 40 ouncers of Milwakee's Best Ice. Ha. Cheers Charlene!!

Jay said...

Yeah, that was a pretty close call. Cute, professional nurses are the hottest babes in the world. You just can't beat 'em. Smart, caring and scrubs are always flattering to their great asses.

Scott Oglesby said...

It’s crazy, but I remember that couple and your hospital admission like it happened yesterday and to me. I can not, however, remember what the hell happened to me yesterday. WTF indeed!

Beth said...

Thanks for bringing back those memories. I was scared to death you cuntnugget ;)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: She was all of those things and her name was, Megan. Ahhhhh, Megan. Cheers Jay!!

Scott: Ha. I know what you mean. My memory messes with me all the time anymore. Great LTM, short term? Not so much. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: A thousand pardons for inconveniencing you. My lung and I apologize. Cheers and Zoooves!!

Micky-T said...

Poof!! goes another year.
That's two since I was in Bagwine.
Keep yourself ACROSS the street, from that pretty nurse.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I'll keep myself across the street but if she wants to come over here and do a follow-up exam, that would be sweet. Cheers Mick!!

David said...

Ah, the wonderful convenience of living near the hospital...if one doesn't mind ambulance sirens (or as one of our local news readers says AMbeuLANCE sireeeeens)

Glad you have recovered to continue to amuse the hoi polloi amongst us - me included. Now, how do we hint at a relapse that would require Nurse Hottie to do a house visit...hmmm...

MysteryChick said...

I remember that! No posts from Bagwine = a giant hole in the universe. Things were not right until you recovered.

Let's not do THAT again!

Raquel's World said...

Wow those were probably some of my relatives next to you.

Knight said...

Why would the meth addict spend all her drug money on hospital food? This doesn't make any sense.
You were lucky to have such an exciting show happening right there in your room. How is that lung of yours anyway?

fattie20xl said...

my ex gf was a nurse. AMAZING .... service. ;)

Matt-Man said...

David: The sirens are just part of the common backgroundnoise anymore. And man, she was pretty hot. Cheers David!!

Chick: I shall try not to repeat the event. Cheers Chick!!

Raquel: Ha. If only I had known!! Cheers Roc!!

Matt-Man said...

Knight: It was quite amusing and so far, so good on the lung. Cheers Knight!!

Fattie: That may be true, but let me tell ya. Nurses are lousy tippers. Cheers XL!!