Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Kwaanza: Christmas Comes to the Projects!!

Another Bagwine Tradition....That's right, time to get jiggy with Kwaanza!!

Hanukkah has passed, Christmas is four days away, but let us not forget that on December 26th, the celebration of Kwanzaa begins.

Allow me to 'splain...

In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.


And incidentally, no self-respecting black person should be going all Hebrewistic on anyone. Sammy Davis, Jr. did that and what happened to him?

The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…

If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.

Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.

Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…


And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…

Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

Mike said...

I think I want a tech9 for Kwanzaa.

Scott Oglesby said...

And the award for the best usage of the word ‘uppity’ in a humor blog post this year on this blog and when referring to Kwanza goes to….. yep, you.

You won a gift card for some ‘fruit and shit.’

To be fair though; if you really look at Christmas and Hanukah, I mean really look at them, you see that Kwanza might actually make more sense.

I think I just gave myself a post idea.

Bubblewench said...

I almost peed my pants! Thank god I put the coffee down before I read this. Now I have to explain the huge bursts of laughter to my one co-worker.... ugh.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Don't be goin' all gangsta on me. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: That's what I am saying. Christmas and Hanukkah have comercialized themselves while Kwaanza is just a more of a srlf-improvement and community improvement thing. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Bubblewench: Ha. Glad I could give you a laugh. This post is one of my all-time faves. Happy Kwaanza and Cheers Wench!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I like the crack pipe idea. That would certainly make things more festive....or something.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Yes it would. But I'd prefer a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and a pack of Newport 100s. Cheers ETW!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

I'll betcha that Buick Electra has glass packs.....

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Well of course it does. MAGICAL glass packs, and cute little curb feelers. Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

The Masai-Uh

hehe

Matt-Man said...

David: Hee. I'm clever once in awhile. Cheers David!!

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO!


...breathe....breathe....


ROTFLMAO!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha. Thank you, thank you very much. Cheers Joker!!

Raquel's World said...

Oh-Uh I feel a disgruntled commenter coming. Look out Matt!

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: I doubt it. For some strange reason no one ever gives me shit about this post. Cheers Sexy!!

fattie20xl said...

..... that's racist.

thank you.

Matt-Man said...

fattie: Not really....There was a good message at the end. Cheers F-Man!!

MysteryChick said...

Every time I read this I crack up. It never gets old!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: If you want to thank me for your laughter, I'd be more than open to that. Cheers Chick!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Know you did not see it, but I mentioned you at the end of this post... http://www.bigleathercouch.com/2010/12/holidays-are-here.html

Merry Christmas to you and Schmoop

Matt-Man said...

Vinny; Same to you and Nancy and thanks, I think ...'cause I haven't seen it. Cheers Vin!!

fattie20xl said...

i said "thank you"... i had to change my pants after this one.

Matt-Man said...

Fattie: Ha...I know you did. Have a wunnerful rest of the day goomba. Cheers!!

Jay said...

"As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?"

Totally fucking unacceptable. Ridiculous even.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Well....my blog IS mainly satire. Cheers Funny Man!!

Allison M. Dickson said...

This is so brilliant. I coughed up a lung and a half of phlegm from all the laughing while sick. ;)