Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Light One Candle

There are about 8 or so posts that I repeat during a specific time of year; this one is perhaps the most bittersweet, yet heart-warming of those. It's about my late friend, Moseley, aka Bagwine Kringle, who died some three years ago...

Please join me, and remember him with me. Thank You...


Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many and his passing will be felt the world around.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves” Tina and Dex, were busy wrapping presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Tina and Dex selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone, because when Tina and Dex returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Dex called the paramedics while Tina tried to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.


She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that resembled a poorly made marinara sauce with a stench reminiscent of bandicoot urine.

Although nearing death, he was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is Bowling Ball. Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary. Oh sure, some women can spread their legs really wide, but Tina can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or Sarge, as BK called him. He was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

I know, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. Those two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they use to be…or som
ething like that.

I guess when the paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge and Tina.”

I miss you Bagwine Kringle, here's a toast to you....

Cheers!!

14 comments:

Desert Rat said...

I love the classics.

Mike said...

That was a looooong way to go for that little tidbit. But I am shedding a little tear right now.

Scott Oglesby said...

Ha-larious! This reminds me of a Pearls Before Swine word pun that gets Stephen Pastis blown up my the duck and the rat. God I love that rat.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I do too, and if I ever come across one in the archives I'll post it. Cheers Rat!!

Mike: Are you kidding? This post is rife with humor. A prostitute that gets dorked in the eye socket for God's sake. That's good shit right there, boy. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Oh hell yeah. Pearls Before Swine is a hoot. Cheers Scott!!

Raquel's World said...

Thanks Matt-Man- I will never look at facials the same.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Ha. That is one of my favorite lines that I have ever written. I still chuckle. Cheers Roc!!

Bondo the Pimp said...

Did the pantyhose stay on when she took her legs off? I mean...how did that work?...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: She wears thigh hi's so yes they come off as well. It's sooooo hot. Cheers P-Man!!

Beth said...

Another award winning post baby!!

Knight said...

This sounds like a chidhood trauma. Were you related to Bagwine Kringle?

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: You are too kind...Is your hoo-ha cleared up, 'cause I miss ya. Cheers Schmoop!!

Knight: Childhood trauma? I was an adult when this happened and the pain still lingers. Cheers night!!

Dana said...

Do I have to come up with something witty to say if I've read this before??

;)~

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Did you come up with something the first time? Cheers Dana!!