Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Al-Hijra: Happy Islamic New Year!!

Shoot those fireworks and bang those pots and pans Bitches, yesterday marked the month long Al-Hijra...the Islamic New Year!!

Wait a minute…pots and pans? Fireworks? Muslims? Let’s start over…

Fire off those AK-47s and detonate those IEDs Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!! Yeah, that’s more like it.

Today, Muslims around the world will be entering another new year filled with the same old bitterness, self-loathing, and not knowing the joy of eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Al-Hijra marks the day that the prophet Mohammed (or is that, Muhammad?) migrated to the city of Medina. While Al-Hijra is not a big day of celebration for the Muslims, it is a day that began a tenet and belief among many Muslims.

You see, when Mohammed arrived in Medina after a long, hot journey, not only was he hungry and thirsty, the schismatic bastard was hornier than hell.

He stopped at each tea house, brothel, and every 7th Century al-Disco club that he could find. He would say to the ladies, “Wanna come back to my place and watch me talk to God?”

Oh yeah baby…Mohammed or Muhammad, whatever, was killin’ with the Arabian babes. He took a slew of them for a Magic Mohammed Carpet Ride. By the break of dawn the next morning..?

Mohammed had done the nasty in camel style with six dozen hot, saucy Saudi chicks. Upon pulling his Muslim Meat Ka-Bob from the last of the six dozen babes he looked skyward and screamed:

“Praise be to Allah; I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven!!”

That is why today, Muslim men think that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to heaven and be received by 72 virgins.

But, other than that and like I said, the Islamic New Year is not a big deal to most Muslims.


Some mark it by drinking a special tea, others with a small gift, but most Muslims simply celebrate the day by taking the only bath that they'll have all year.

I guess it would be difficult for many Muslims ‘round the world to get excited about a new year. I mean, they know it will be just like the last...

A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches, no alcohol, and the only entertainment is to listen to the incoherent wailing and shrieking of Islamic music on the radio.


Yeah, I can see their indifference to this holiday.

Hell they don’t even have a Baby New Year like we do in here in the States…

Isn’t he cute? Of course if the Islamic world did have a Baby New Year to mark this day, he’d wear his diaper a little differently…

Anyhoo…To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none, Happy Al-Hijra. May all of your wildest dreams come true and your flocks be reproductive.

And now for something completely different…

Don't forget that tomorrow, Thursday the 9th, at 11 PM EST on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio...

Jayman and I will be holding a Christmas Radio-Thon for Ryno. And What is that, you ask?

My son is faced with his father, mainly me, being unemployed and faced with the brutal reality of not having a materialistic, yet meaningful Christmas.

So on Thursday at 11PM EST on I'm With Stupid we will be holding a Christmas Radio-Thon for Ryno.

We will have celebrities galore, a new Christmas song by yours truly, and live red-carpet interviews with the likes of Samuel L. Jackson, Justin Bieber, and ooo-la-la, Jessica "Go Ahead and Shit on Me, 'Cause I'll Eat It" Alba.

In fact, I caught up with Jessica, or Jess, as I call her, just the other day and she had this to say about our Radio-Thon for Ryno...


(click where it says twaud.io)


Thanks Jess, the interview was fun, but you owe me for a tin of Vienna Sausages and a package of Fruit Roll-Ups...Anyhoo...

If you, like Jessica Alba, would like to join us Thursday night at 11 PM EST, just click HERE, and it will take you to the I'm With Stupid radio page.

Until then...

Cheers!!

18 comments:

Michele said...

I feel that I have learned a great deal about the Muslin New Year from this post. I, also, have an irrational need to take a shower. xoxo

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I hear that from many folks upon reading my posts. Hope you and JR are well. Cheers Michele!!

Raquel's World said...

Okay...seriously is that where the 72 virgins came from? Don't BS me I really wanna know and I do not feel like doing research. Help a sista gain some knowledge.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: That is where the belief came from and how do I know that to be true? Because I believe it. Cheers Roc!!

Jay said...

So Happy New Year to President Obama!

I can't believe all the celebrities who have signed on* to do the radiothon.




*without their knowledge

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You mean to tell me that Jessica Alba doesn't really want me? That's crushing. Cheers Jay!!

Beth said...

Very informative post! But...Jessica Alba is a whore :)

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: That may be true, but she's my whore, and no one else can haz her. Cheers and Zoooooves, Schmoop. Real hamburgers tonight!!

Micky-T said...

Here's one to go to today, right in Bagwine.


http://www.careerbuilder.com/JobSeeker/Jobs/JobDetails.aspx?ipath=EXIND&siteid=cbindeed&Job_DID=J8B4CG5ZJKPXTVVTH9S

Come on, get a job for that young fella so he can have a Christmas.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Hopefully my cold, passed out body can make it there, and thanks. Cheers!!

Knight said...

Dude you really don't have a single Muslim friend? Muslims make up 20% of the world religions. You need to get out more.

I would trade 72 virgins for just a couple people that knew what they were doing already. Wait, that is what life is for.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: No, I have no friends who are Muslim. I know some. I chuckle with a few. But no, I have no one of the Islamic faith that I would call, "a friend."

If you lived in Bagwine, Ohio, I don't think you would find that odd as there aren't that many Muslims here. Cheers Knight!!

Knight said...

That's true, It's probably closer to 1% in Bagwine. Guess what comes up if you google bagwine ohio muslim...Yep, a page full of Bagwine Ruminations posts.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. I am honored by the wisdom of Google...Another thing, but this is a bit deeper...

When you say, "friend", I don't knw what you mean by that. Or what anyone else means by that...

Maybe I do have Muslim friends, but what one considers a true friend and not an aquaintence or just a guy or girl one knows, differs.

Cheers Lovely One!!

Mike said...

I wouldn't want you to miss out. Here's a live feed from 'the holy box'.

http://live.gph.gov.sa/index.cfm

Just click cancel on all the language pop ups.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Thanks Mike...I dug that and it reminded me to break out my copy of George Harrison's, Concert for Bangladesh. Score!! Cheers Mike!!

MysteryChick said...

Life without bacon isn't worth living!

I'm not sure I understand the appeal of 72 virgins. Wouldn't you prefer one really well traveled pirate whore who can give a kick-ass blowjob?

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Why yes...yes I would. Have anyone in mind? Cheers Sexy!!