I have spent Sunday channeling the magic of the stars and the Bagwine in order to discern your 2011 Horoscope...
Please be advised, the Bagwine never lies…Trust your 2011 Horoscope.
Aries March 21- April 19
You have always said that the world revolves around you. Your claim comes to fruition when during a July excursion to the North Pole, you fall into a crevasse in the ice and plummet to your eternal, fiery grave in the center of the Earth.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Good fortune and the stars shine upon you in February when you come across a One-hundred dollar bill in a Wal*Mart parking lot. Spend it wisely. It’s the only money you’ll make this year.
Gemini May 21-June 20
Your odd lifestyle and crazy antics have always earned you public scorn and ridicule, but when you climb a fence and try to fuck an 800 pound gorilla at the public zoo, it will earn you two broken legs, a detached ear, and 40 Years to Life in the State Pen.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Your book of poetry is reviewed and hailed as one of the “most beautiful, lyrical, and erotic pieces of literature in a generation.” Unfortunately, the review comes from the North American Man Boy Love Association.
Leo July 23-August 22
People are astounded when Jesus returns to Earth and the first person he wants to see and speak with, is you. They are more astounded when he smacks you upside the head, kicks you in the groin, and calls you a, “Fucking Asshole”.
Virgo August 23- September 22
Many people get struck by lightning and survive, but when struck by lightning AND a bus at the same time as you are, you don’t.
Libra September 23-October 22
You’ve always been a proponent of the, “time heals all wounds” mentality, but when you allow that puncture wound in your foot to turn gangrenous and are forced to have your leg amputated, you begin to question your entire belief system.
Scorpio October 23-November 21
Your friends tell you that you make the best burgers they’ve ever eaten so you open your own restaurant, but perhaps you should have named it something other than, “The Mad Cow Slaughter House.”
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
It’s nice that you take the kids on expensive cruises, trips to the amusement park, and to the movies, but it might be better if they were your own kids, and you had let their parents know.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Life will truly bring you to a low, dark point this year. So please, keep in mind…sometimes it’s easier to just give up.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
What’s impressive is that your ventriloquist act has finally taken you to Carnegie Hall…what’s less impressive is that it’s the, Sgt. Durwood Carnegie VFW Hall in Sandusky, Ohio.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Your attempts to raise awareness about the horrors of child abuse are noble, but using real children in your very real, very live reenactments are turning people off.