Screw The Swine Flu, It's Fiesta Time!!

Tomorrow is the big day, kids. Cinco de Mayo!!

Of course, due to the swine flu, the celebrations may be subdued.

Should I dial things back as well because this epidemic of the H1N1 virus originated in Meh-hee-co?

Screw that, I am going to spend tomorrow celebrating all things Mexican.

I ain’t afraid of no stinking pig flu, Bitches. I am going to whoop it up and rejoice in the marvelous victory of the Mexicans over those dirt bag French in 1862.

I asked Schmoop if she could pick up some authentic Mexican food at the grocery for the fiesta, and damn if she didn’t deliver…

Damn right…

Those are Skyline Cheese and Bean Burritos manufactured lovingly hand made many miles south of Bagwine in Ciudad el Cincinnati.

A few of those, some hot sauce, and a fifth of Tequila, and I’ll be experiencing Montezuma’s revenge in no time.

Of course for me, this isn’t just another sad excuse to party it up. It is more a chance to experience the beauty of other cultures.

And as soon as Schmoop leaves for work, I plan on experiencing that beauty with Consuela.

She’s the non-English speaking Mexican neighbor who moved in next to us.

Is she hot or what? She’s not just a Mexican. She’s a SEXICAN!! Ole’ Baby!! And while it’s true she speaks no English…

I know I can communicate to her through the language of amor and a case of Dos Equis will help as well.

A few drinks, my American charm, and before you can say, “Viva Zapata”, Consuela and I will be engaged in a nude reenactment of the Battle of the Alamo.

Si Si, mi amigos, I am not allowing the threat of Swine Flu to rain on my Mexican Day Parade.

In fact, I laugh in the face of the Mexican Swine Flu.

I have even bought a special piñata for tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo celebration…

I can’t wait to see a sweaty, naked Consuela taking swings at my pretty, candy-filled pork.

Bust it open and say gracias, Consuela, it’s not just the Fifth of May…

It’s Cinco de Matt-O.

Salud!!

Yo, Yo, Queen City...Johnny Mac Is In Da Hizzy!!

Big news kids…

Senator John McCain will be in Ohio today speaking at the NAACP Convention in Cincinnati.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have never thought McCain to be bigoted or racist at all, but I still kinda chuckle.

To me, it just seems that he will be so out of place.

I guess it’s because I picture him, a pasty, old, white guy awash in a sea of mainly black men and women.

His cultural sensibilities and experiences are a result of years of Washington politics, a well-to-do military upbringing, and being married to a botox infused cupcake.

McCain has enough trouble getting his doddering message out to middle class, white America. I think he may need some help in connecting with this crowd.

So Senator McCain, I have a few suggestions for you…

Keep it real. Talk about the things you have done over your incredibly long lifetime that will bring you closer to the bruthas and sistahs.

For instance, talk about your experiences during the VERY early days of the Civil Rights movement, by saying the following:

“Folks, I knew Frederick Douglass. Frederick Douglass was friend of mine. Barack Obama is no Frederick Douglass.”

“I was deeply moved and honored when President Lincoln asked me to edit his first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation.”

(Just don’t mention the part about you scratching out the freeing of the slaves reference.)

Continue on with:

“Harriet Tubman and I were very close. We got naked and jiggy with it on more than one occasion. My alabaster steam engine took a ride on her Underground Railroad many times.

In fact, if it hadn’t been for certain laws and the social stigma, I would have married her. The bitch had back, and I had mad skillz.”

Show that you are a man of the streets:

“Many people believe that the scars on my knees are from my days as a P.O.W., not so ladies and gentlemen...

I got these while rippin’ it with another fine piece of mochachina ass, when in 1934, I did it doggy style underneath a gaslight in a Paris alley with Josephine Baker.

Are ya feelin' the Big Mac Attack now, my homies?"

Let the crowd know that you are like-minded:

“Folks, I am one of you…I am a pimped out, tricked out, Schlitz Malt Liquor drinkin’, Sugar Bear.

In fact, I’m just a love machine…and I won’t work for nobody, but you.”

End your speech with:

“My bros and bitches, if you take one thing away with you from my speech today, I want it to be this…

Don’t think of me as President McCain, think of me as Mack Daddy McCain.

If, however, you are looking for a Commander-in-Chief, you can call me, President Superfly. God Bless America...Word to your Mutha...Thank you, and Peace Out.”

I know I shouldn’t, but I am just trying to help out Johnny Mac. No, really.

I will be gone nearly all day. I am taking Ryno to the batting cages, (maybe I will have him videotape me swinging for the fences) to lunch, and then…yes another 5-9 gig at the “Thru”.

I’ll catch up with ya all late tonight. Have a great day.

Cheers!!

Bill Cunningham: Feelin' The Pain of John McCain

Holy Frijoles!!!!

My post yesterday about Bill Cunningham, the acerbic, diminutive radio talk show muckraker, was prophetic and right on the mark.

Bill Cunningham “opened up” for Senator John McCain at a rally in Cincinnati, Ohio yesterday afternoon.

Cunningham promptly trashed, the “main stream” media, and Barack Obama in a less than gracious way.

Click Here For Details

Not only is Bill Cunningham catching flak from all of the cable news shows, McCain disassociated himself from the self proclaimed, “Voice of the Common Man”.

McCain apologized for Willie’s remarks and then threw the mental midget underneath the Straight Talk Express and backed over him a few times.

I find the grief that Cunningham is receiving to be refreshingly funny.

I am sure that Cunningham is laughing as well. Willie knows that he, and his afternoon talk show on 700 WLW-AM just got millions of dollars worth of free advertising.

It’s a shame that Cunningham is being preempted by a Reds spring training baseball game today.

I will have to wait until tomorrow at 12:20 P.M. to listen to “The Great American” pick up the pieces. Bummer.

I have a bit of a truncated day today. My 13 year old clone is on a two hour delay due to snow, so I have to go fetch him this morning and drop him off at school.

I have to leave this afternoon at some point as well, and do a couple of other things. But there is good news for you all…Nay, nay, make that GREAT news…

After losing two more pounds, which takes me to 192, I am feeling sassy and oh so sexy, so guess what I am going to do.

I am going to take some very provocative pictures of myself today and post them tomorrow.

If you are good to me today, in the form of nice comments (Ed. Note: Joining the pander bandwagon, are we Matt?), I may even make a steamy Matt-Man video.

What the hell, even though I am 43, it’s not too late to become an adult film star. I just have to think of a good porn name to use. Suggestions are appreciated.

There you have it folks, short and sweet today. Enjoy your Hump Day, and I’ll be in and out today...which makes perfect sense, since I am about to embark on a career in porn.

Cheers!!