Matt-Ster Of The Universe

Mornin’ Peeps!! I knew it was only a matter of time, but I have finally won a major award.

More on that in a minute, but first, a very brief wrap-up of yesterday’s Presidential Primary results…

Hillary Clinton won Rhode Island, Texas, and my state which is, An Odd Mix of Inbred Meth Addicts, Evangelicals, Uber-Wealthy Gated Community Dwellers, And Redneck Pig Fuckers Ohio.

Vermonters turned out to show that they prefer to pour their fresh maple syrup on Obama Cakes.

John “Pontius Pilate” McCain put the final nail into Mike “Hay-Zoos” Huckabee’s campaign, and impaled The Huckster upon the cross of Presidential Wannabes.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Already this morning, the blabbering political pundits are hypothesizing as to why H-Rod won three states.

I have heard it is due to her “3 A.M. Phone Call” ad, that Obama relaxed and played it safe, and maybe the Dems are having Obama “buyer’s remorse”.

These people are morons; don’t waste your time listening to them.

The reason that Hillary won these states is because she got more votes.

Let’s move on to the next contest or even better, cut some deal in order to work together and put Judas McCain’s Oval Office aspirations six feet under.

Now…

I received a message yesterday that I, The Matt-Man, was named:

Most Hilarious Blogger in the Universe for January and February of 2008.

The message stated that my site was...a unique blend of biting satire and informative pop culture rantings.

The message went on to say:

Rarely does a site contain such a mix of high brow humor and infantile jokes about becoming the Messiah or a lesbian porn star…Simply Brilliant!!

It continued...

Finding a writer who does thorough research upon topics, applies it with unmatched jocularity, and oozes unbridled sex appeal is a once in a blue moon chance.

I am truly humbled by this award, because unlike other "Best (fill in the blank) Blog" awards, this was not chosen through a popularity contest.

This prestigious honor was based upon the opinions of a completely unbiased group of judges, and I want to publicly thank the staff of Bagwine Ruminations for bestowing this award upon me.

Thanks Guys!!

That’s it for today my friends. Tomorrow is a big day so please stop by again.

Tomorrow is another edition of Half Nekkid Thursday.

I have a new HNT picture and even a brief Half Nekkid Matt-Man music video for ya.

See you then,

Cheers!!

Toungin' Hillary And Eatin' Tuna

It's Election Day here in the Buckeye State, and at 6:30 AM the polls open.

I plan on being there to cast my vote as soon as they open.

Appropriately enough, I vote at a church. So goes Matt-Man, so goes God.

As I have said, I am voting for H-Rod. Maybe she will be at my polling location shaking hands.

I sure hope so, cuz I'll plant a big ol' wet kiss on her mouth, slip her a little tongue, and finish off with a firm reach around. I do so love democracy.

As promised, I made Tuna Casserole yesterday. It was Yum-Oh, and I plan on having it again today.

There's plenty left because Schmoop refuses to eat tuna. What a lousy lesbian she would make.

Which, makes me sad because I would love to see her enagaged in some hot chick on chick action.

But I digress...Follow me if you will, through the journey of the Tuna Casserole ala' Bagwine.

Here are most of my ingredients...I also use a bit of milk. Keep some Bagwine handy as well.

I cook the noodles in salted water and then drain. See that was easy, wasn't it?

I mix the noodles, tuna, cracker crumbs, potato soup, parsley, and onion in the pot and add the following:

A glob of Sour Cream, a modicum of milk, and a smattering of butter. Make sure you use those exact measurements!!

Let the conglomeration cool, and then spoon out into a buttered baking dish. Top with Velveeta, Butter, cracker crumbs, and parsley. Mmmmmm, my uvula is getting a Hard-On already!!

Put into a pre-heated 450 degree oven for 10 minutes, and then turn back to 375 for another 30-35 minutes.

While it is baking, drink some Wild Irish Rose. Unfortunately, I was out of it last night, so I drank the better part of a bottle Vodka.

After a total of 45 minutes, or when you start to see the Vodka Fairies, whichever comes first, pull that dish of deliciousness out of the oven.

Mmmmmmm, Mangia!! It was excellent, and will taste even better today. I hope you try it.

Not only is it a taste bud sensation, the smell is unique and intoxicating.

I can only descibe the aroma as being akin to what my olfactory senses experienced when I engaged in a 69 with a mermaid last summer.

Earth's wonderful oceans...Full of bounty and booty!!

Well, I am off to take a shower and then go vote. When I get back, I promise to catch up on everyone's blog. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Election Eve In Ohio: H-Rod v. B.O.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, and all Ohioans.

We will be casting our votes in the Presidential Primaries.

Voting also takes place in Texas, Vermont, and Rhode Island.

Only one of which of those three is really a state.

I mean, c'mon...Vermont? Lotsa Maple Syrup, Ethan Allen, and what else…green mountains?

Maybe if you were one of the original 13 colonies you would have a claim to fame, but you were the 14th.

Maybe I’ll visit your “state” if I am in need of a hearty pancake breakfast and a nice nap.

Rhode Island? Did you come up with that name in order to become a tourist trap for 17th Century English and Dutch settlers?

Hellooo, not an island. You my Rhodies, are but a mere piece of national insignificance.

So, Vermont and Rhode Island, go ahead and vote and if it possibly makes a difference in things, we will go ahead and count them.

If not, well, just go back to doing whatever is you folks do.

Tomorrow's vote, for me, comes down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

I am voting for Hillary Clinton tomorrow, mainly because her and I share the same taste in pantsuits.

Nothing says competence like a smart polyester blend sansi-belt pantsuit.

Rock On, H-Rod…You wear it well, baby.

There are a few things about Barack Obama that give me pause for concern, but the following may be my biggest concern…

The thing I most dislike like about Barack Obama is that he can’t pronounce “Massachusetts” correctly.

He pronounces it, “Massa-two-shits”, which greatly irritates me for a couple of reasons.

Not only did my ex say it that way, I find it to be an affront to African-Americans because it sounds like he is describing a slave owner’s bowel movement habits.

Shame on you, Barack…Pandering to The Man, are we?

The candidates can blah, blah, blah all they want about the economy, health care, and national defense. To me, it sounds like white noise.

If you want my vote, simply buck the current fashion trends, and refrain from talking about the fecal matter put forth by Plantation owners.

Hillary Clinton, has certainly done that. Even though her campaign is fading, at least for tomorrow, my vote, and my heart will belong to her.

Enjoy your Monday my friends. I am going to prepare a delicious Lenten Tuna Casserole today.

Maybe I’ll take pictures of the process, and we can have a pictorial Bagwine Buffet tomorrow.

Until next time,

Cheers!!

Bill Cunningham: Feelin' The Pain of John McCain

Holy Frijoles!!!!

My post yesterday about Bill Cunningham, the acerbic, diminutive radio talk show muckraker, was prophetic and right on the mark.

Bill Cunningham “opened up” for Senator John McCain at a rally in Cincinnati, Ohio yesterday afternoon.

Cunningham promptly trashed, the “main stream” media, and Barack Obama in a less than gracious way.

Click Here For Details

Not only is Bill Cunningham catching flak from all of the cable news shows, McCain disassociated himself from the self proclaimed, “Voice of the Common Man”.

McCain apologized for Willie’s remarks and then threw the mental midget underneath the Straight Talk Express and backed over him a few times.

I find the grief that Cunningham is receiving to be refreshingly funny.

I am sure that Cunningham is laughing as well. Willie knows that he, and his afternoon talk show on 700 WLW-AM just got millions of dollars worth of free advertising.

It’s a shame that Cunningham is being preempted by a Reds spring training baseball game today.

I will have to wait until tomorrow at 12:20 P.M. to listen to “The Great American” pick up the pieces. Bummer.

I have a bit of a truncated day today. My 13 year old clone is on a two hour delay due to snow, so I have to go fetch him this morning and drop him off at school.

I have to leave this afternoon at some point as well, and do a couple of other things. But there is good news for you all…Nay, nay, make that GREAT news…

After losing two more pounds, which takes me to 192, I am feeling sassy and oh so sexy, so guess what I am going to do.

I am going to take some very provocative pictures of myself today and post them tomorrow.

If you are good to me today, in the form of nice comments (Ed. Note: Joining the pander bandwagon, are we Matt?), I may even make a steamy Matt-Man video.

What the hell, even though I am 43, it’s not too late to become an adult film star. I just have to think of a good porn name to use. Suggestions are appreciated.

There you have it folks, short and sweet today. Enjoy your Hump Day, and I’ll be in and out today...which makes perfect sense, since I am about to embark on a career in porn.

Cheers!!

Barack Obama: His Name Just Don't Sound 'Merican

Tonight, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debate in Cleveland, and one week from today I will be voting in the Ohio Democrat Primary.

Initially, I fully supported Senator Joe Biden for President, but he dropped out long ago. So, it now comes down to Obama and Clinton.

While not having any kind of fire in my belly while doing so, I will be voting for H-Rod.

I’m not a big fan of Obama, but I will say this, he has been subjected to some of the most idiotic and ill-informed attacks ever leveled against a Presidential candidate.

The attacks both amuse and frighten me.

A few examples of this, I now offer…

If you live within a few hundred miles of Cincinnati, Ohio, between 12:20 and 3:00 in the afternoon, you can listen to Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW AM radio during the week.

Cunningham is a radio talk show host full of right wing schtick, and political red meat for rednecks.

Willie, as he is known around here, gets very high ratings, but the collective IQ of his listeners who call into his show, run in indirect proportion to those ratings.

Sadly, most of these callers live within an hour of lovely Bagwine, Ohio.

The comments made by these callers confirm that eating grain fed beef while drinking Wild Irish Rose does produce a detrimental effect on one’s mind.

Willie’s show is filled with talk about Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim.

I really don’t give a crap if the guy is a practicing Aardvark worshipper, but for the record, Obama is not a Muslim; he’s Christian.

Willie and his flock say that Obama was raised a Muslim and attended one of them there madrasas.

Well, Obama, did attend school, and since "madrasa" is the Arabic word for school, any type of school, they may be on to something.

The truth is that Obama attended elementary school while living in Indonesia. He went to a school for awhile that was full of Muslims.

Which makes sense since Indonesia has a Muslim population that is even larger than Rachel Ray’s ass.

Hell, the impressive thing to me is that Obama also attended, and survived a Catholic school while there. Can you picture an Indonesian Nun?

Screw getting hit with a ruler, they probably use steel reinforced rattan canes to beat the kids.

I also hear that this picture shows that Obama refused to place his hand on his heart while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Not true.

In the picture shown, it is the Star Spangled Banner being played at the time it was taken.

I don’t put my hand on my heart when our National Anthem is played.

If at a ball game, I merely take off my hat, sing off key, and mangle the lyrics as mustard from my hot dog drips from my chin.

That may be true too Matt-Man, but Obama didn’t put his hand on the Bible when he was sworn in. Yes, he did.

But seriously, I really don’t care if had he placed his hand on the Bible, the Quran, or a copy of SCREW magazine. None of these reads can counteract the stupid of any lawmaker.

I am not voting for Barack Obama, but not because of any of these baseless rumors.

I will not vote for Obama because he is black…and there is no way in hell that I am voting for one of them there niggras.

Kidding of course, but I am sure that there are plenty of morons who call Willie Cunningham’s radio show that think that way.

No, the real reason I will not be voting for Obama is the following…

When he gives a well delivered speech that conjures up visions of majestic, amber, waves of grain, all I see is a man who is long on chaff and short on wheat.

Cheers!!