From The Desk of I'm With Stupid...

Hey you…Yeah, you. Remember me? It’s me, Michele Bachmann…Nothing?

I’m a Tea Party drinking, government bashing, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and I’m running for President. Now do you remember?

I see that some of you are now shaking your heads, but it would be more helpful if you were shaking them in an up and down fashion and not side to side, but…um…

Fuck…I knew this was going to happen.

Less than a month after I win the GOP Straw Poll in Iowa, the devilishly handsome, well-chiseled, Rick Perry enters the GOP Primary race and I’m tossed aside like a half eaten can of tuna in favor of a prime piece of Texas ribeye.

This sucks. AND IT’S NOT FAIR!!

I’ve been giving and giving. Traipsing along the campaign trail loudly espousing nonsensical, anti-government rhetoric, and what do I get in return?

Heartache…and single digit poll numbers.

From the Halls of Minnetonka to the shores of Biloxi, I have fought your anti-tax battles on the air, and land, and sea. And then what?

Rootin-Tootin’ Rick Perry enters the race, out anti-government rhetoricals me, and out sexy corn dog eatin’s me. WTF?

I’m Michele Bachmann dammit…Glad to meet ya!!

Listen folks, I know how to eat a damn corndog in a sexy way…

Hell, even my allegedly gay husband Marcus, can be sexy when tossing back a dawg…

Okay…I guess he does look gay when he does it. But he’s not, so shut up. My husband is as straight as they come. He’s as straight as the Minnesota winter is long.

Now, take a look at Gov. Perry eating a corndog…

Talk about someone who seems to know his way around a shaft of meat. I’m not saying Perry’s gay, but c’mon, if Hermann Goehring was alive, he’d have that picture blown up and placed on the ceiling over his bed.

Anyway…This entire situation and Rick Perry blow. Hell, even my campaign staff is leaving me, all because of a goddamn corndog.

Maybe at some point during the NBC/Politico GOP Debate at the Ronald Reagan Library tomorrow night, I’ll unleash a new campaign song.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I truly want to be, ’cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, then everyone would be in love with me!!

I think I’m on to something. And if not..?

I’ll just give Rick Perry a lil’ taste of my “corndog eating” skills, and become his running mate.

Trust me my fellow Americans, being vacuous is not my only skill. When it comes to choking down a dawg or two, this bitch got skillz.

See ya at the debate tomorrow,

Michele Bachmann

Gov. Mark Sanford: I Left My Heart (And Career) In Argentina

Former Congressman and current South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, a man whose name has been mentioned as a Republican who would vie for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012, has a political career that is quickly headed south.

His career is headed south because he headed south to Argentina, and then undoubtedly headed south on the body of his mistress.

That’s quite a bit of heading south for one guy to overcome. Even one who is…er…was, the up and coming darling of fiscal conservatives.

Sanford now joins Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) as yet another potential 2012 GOP Presidential candidate who got his married hand caught in someone else’s nookie jar.

Hell, if this trend continues, the only candidate the GOP will be able to run in 2012, will be Sarah Palin. Holy Cow!! God and the Evangelicals move in mysterious ways indeed.

I have to hand it to Gov. Sanford. When he has an affair…he knows how to do it up with panache.

Sanford leaves his duties as Governor and disappears without a word for five days. He makes up a story about going hiking. And then, he flies to Argentina to hook up with Maria, his Tropic of Capricorn trollop.

You Go Guv!! I bet Henry Miller would have enjoyed Sanford’s Tropic of Capricorn coital exploits as much as his own.

Gov. Sanford, my good man…To me, you are Errol Flynn, Jose de San Martin, and that nerdy, goofy fucker that sat behind me in my 11th grade Chemistry class, all rolled into one.

Boy oh Boy. There’s nothing Sanford won’t do for love. In addition to going AWOL, he lied his ass off during this sexcapade.

If the Guv’s wanker grows every time he lies, like Pinocchio’s nose did when he lied, it’s no wonder sultry Maria can’t get enough of Sanford’s Palmetto wood.

I mean, Sanford continued to lie right up until the time he held his clumsy and ill-conceived press conference on Wednesday.

I think there’s even more to his Southern Hemisphere hosing. I believe there was more than one woman in Argentina that he was statutorily stuffing.

You see, twenty some years ago, when I was trying to do stand-up comedy, I wrote and performed a song that, due to the Sanford incident, has become a timeless gem.

I think now, that when I wrote it, I was unknowingly witnessing the future of one, Mark Sanford. Some may call it a feeble attempt at comedy. I call it a musical prophecy.

Enjoy.

Today, while Gov. Sanford is picking up the pieces of his life and political career, I am going to drink, and paint the apartment.

When I’m done for the day, I am going to have hot sex with Schmoop. In addition to the quality of the sex with Schmoop, you know what really rocks about it?

I don’t have to fly all the way to Argen-Fucking-Tina to get it!!

Cheers!!