From The Desk of I'm With Stupid...

Hey you…Yeah, you. Remember me? It’s me, Michele Bachmann…Nothing?

I’m a Tea Party drinking, government bashing, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and I’m running for President. Now do you remember?

I see that some of you are now shaking your heads, but it would be more helpful if you were shaking them in an up and down fashion and not side to side, but…um…

Fuck…I knew this was going to happen.

Less than a month after I win the GOP Straw Poll in Iowa, the devilishly handsome, well-chiseled, Rick Perry enters the GOP Primary race and I’m tossed aside like a half eaten can of tuna in favor of a prime piece of Texas ribeye.

This sucks. AND IT’S NOT FAIR!!

I’ve been giving and giving. Traipsing along the campaign trail loudly espousing nonsensical, anti-government rhetoric, and what do I get in return?

Heartache…and single digit poll numbers.

From the Halls of Minnetonka to the shores of Biloxi, I have fought your anti-tax battles on the air, and land, and sea. And then what?

Rootin-Tootin’ Rick Perry enters the race, out anti-government rhetoricals me, and out sexy corn dog eatin’s me. WTF?

I’m Michele Bachmann dammit…Glad to meet ya!!

Listen folks, I know how to eat a damn corndog in a sexy way…

Hell, even my allegedly gay husband Marcus, can be sexy when tossing back a dawg…

Okay…I guess he does look gay when he does it. But he’s not, so shut up. My husband is as straight as they come. He’s as straight as the Minnesota winter is long.

Now, take a look at Gov. Perry eating a corndog…

Talk about someone who seems to know his way around a shaft of meat. I’m not saying Perry’s gay, but c’mon, if Hermann Goehring was alive, he’d have that picture blown up and placed on the ceiling over his bed.

Anyway…This entire situation and Rick Perry blow. Hell, even my campaign staff is leaving me, all because of a goddamn corndog.

Maybe at some point during the NBC/Politico GOP Debate at the Ronald Reagan Library tomorrow night, I’ll unleash a new campaign song.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I truly want to be, ’cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, then everyone would be in love with me!!

I think I’m on to something. And if not..?

I’ll just give Rick Perry a lil’ taste of my “corndog eating” skills, and become his running mate.

Trust me my fellow Americans, being vacuous is not my only skill. When it comes to choking down a dawg or two, this bitch got skillz.

See ya at the debate tomorrow,

Michele Bachmann

Just Sayin'

Just so you know…I haven’t abandoned this blog.

I just don’t have to much to say right now.

I’m alive.

Matt-Man is alive.

He is a multi-media superstar you know.

I don’t want to talk about what is going on here, as it is very personal. No I did not cheat, but that’s all you’re getting.

I asked him not to put it out there, so neither am I.

Things will be sporadic, until I can get the funny back, and funny it will be. I hope.

Just wanted to let you pretty people know, that this is a work in progress. We are a work in progress.

I am buying Dick Cheney’s book, and getting on the Michele Bachman bandwagon, if that’s any indication.

What? I think she’s got potential...just sayin'.

Zoooooves!!

Hot Damn, I Feel Lucky Tonight!!

I’m very, very anal about money ever since I had to file bankruptcy last year.  Who knew all those fuckers wanted paid.  Idiots.  Any type of spend-a-thon would never be in the cards for me, unless…

(Cue the dream sequence music...)

I’m sitting at my desk here at work and find out that I just won the Lottery!!

I could tear down the wall between our apartment, and the two bedroom next door.  We’d get one huge ass place that I could remodel to my specifications.  OCD much?  Why yes.  

Sorry Matt, posters of naked woman do not count as décor.  Oh, ok, you can have Michele Bachmann.

Also, we’d get rid of the crazy eyed, talk to myself chick, and her lazy, full grown, asshole son.  Twofer, and SCORE!!

I would have separate bank accounts for everything.  Home, taxes, family, me and Matt-Man.  I’d even have a lawyer.  But no accountant…

They’re shifty.  Also when they start talking about numbers, my eyes glaze over.

I’d buy my Honda CRV, but it wouldn’t have to be new.  Oh, who the fuck am I kidding.  Mama needs heated seats, and a remote starter!

We could actually have a full size fridge, and stove.  That, you know, are LEVEL.  Whoo, that would be a perk in itself.

Wouldn’t it be great to go to the grocery, or any store for that matter, and not have to check all prices?  Or robbing Peter to pay Paul?  That is stressful.

I won’t go into all the details of everything I would do to a new place.  It would be tedious to anyone but me.

What would you do if you suddenly found yourself with a large sum of money?

Zooooves!!

Michele Bachmann 2012...As If I Need More Noise In My Life

I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday with a sore throat, aches, chills, sweats, and a screaming headache. (Ed. Note: Suck it Up, Ya Big Puss.)

In fact, I felt nothing like hot, sexy, and naked Mila Kunis.

You know what that meant, right? No school for me! I mean, work.

I kinda missed it. For some odd reason I need that routine.  That schedule. 

Also, it’s summer so the windows were open (air is broken, fan is iffy), and the kids were screaming.

And just like the uber-hawt Jayman can attest to, the fucking lawn people were uh lawning, or something on Monday.

See, when I was only working three days a week in the year of our Lord 2009, I got used to the noise. Now…I want all noise and noise producers thereof, dead.

Our place has mostly dirt, and some grass. How many times do you have to go over that shit? Geez.

I don’t have a lot today, as I feel like ass. I find medicating in the late afternoon with beer is not all it’s cracked up to be, but yet I persisted.

The cat was whining because she had the “hots” because the AC wasn’trunning, and the kids wanted to “play” under my window, and under my window only.

I would however, like to give a shout out to Michelle Bachman.

Evidently, she announced on Monday morning that she will be running for the big office in 2012. 

Well bless her little pea picking heart! I love her. She is so pretty, and nice…and she’s from Iowa!

She’s a shoo in. Whatevs…

Sorry Matt Man, and Jayman…

I know the love you two ass clowns have for this cuckoo, but the chick is a nut...a whack job…a fruit loop…Ha! 

I sort of just mentioned kids cereals! I can’t wait to see how this is going to play out!

Bring back Bill! Bring back Bill!

That unfortunately is not going to happen, but he always has Hillary. Ewww.

Anyhoo my pretties, I have to go do, um…something. Mucho Appreciado, and..!

Don’t forget to go visit Jay and Matt-Man’s new I’m With Stupid site. Those dudes are way cooler than me…

Even though they dig Michele Bach-Maniac.

Zoooooves!!

Memorial Day: A Salute and a SALUTE !!

In honor of Memorial Day 2011, I offer you a poem from my dad’s first book, Irish Coffee…

De Profundis

I was young at Gettysburg,
And though Spring has come and gone a hundred times,
I am not old.
I am still thirst-quenched by Summer’s rain,
and laughter, wind-borne, nourishes me.
Beside me, my Captain sleeps,
and often, in the cool silence of the tombs,
when lilacs bloom, I hear him sigh.

I need no granite monolith,
pillowed in the dust of a century,
to mark my name.
It is graven in the ridge above me,
and in the quiet valley that slopes toward the sea.

Jack Mahoney ©1974

Here’s to my dad, and to all who have fallen in defense of this great nation.

Amen.

Now, on a lighter note…

Jayman and I are doing another award winning installment of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio for you today at 11 AM EDT.

As you may know…

On our Monday show, we like to just spontaneously jump into the news headlines that are rocking our world.

Today we will be talking about Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary field, but mainly we will be making topical jokes about dicks. Y’know…penises, dorks, wanks.

Evidently, one of I’m With Stupid’s fave congressmen, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) allegedly showed his manhood over the internets recently, and well…we are going to make a thousand and one jokes about it come to his defense.

We want to salvage this man’s good name and be his reputation prophylactic of sorts.

So there you have it.

Join Jayman and me at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio by clicking HERE. And/or…

You can call us at 661.244.9852

Happy Memorial Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Memorial Day...Reflection and Amazement

Welcome to year six of Bagwine Ruminations, which appropriately enough, begins on the weekend that launches the unofficial beginning of summer.

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio, and indeed, throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars

After Taps has been played and the “Amens” said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the morning must of course, be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types, as the chlorine and filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous", illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Matt Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.

As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

Cheers!!

Don’t forget, Kidz…

Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio. We will be talking about Memorial Day festivities such as the ones you have just read about AND…

Michele Bachmann will be chiming in with a Memorial Day tribute of hope and inspiration that you will not want to miss. 

I hope you join us by listening to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

The State of the Stupid...What?

It’s been a day plus since President Obama has given his State of the Union address, and it has finally all soaked in.

I spent Wednesday listening to politicos and cable news pundits dissect it, praise it, trash it.

As typical, the pundits and talking heads missed the mark. They missed the target of Obama’s message and more importantly, the targeted audience.

I heard the 24/7 political soothsayers state that Obama failed to deliver specifics, and that his speech was flat because there wasn’t any jumping up and down amongst our elected representatives.

Hell, even the Tea Party designate, Michele “You Can See Me, But I Can’t See You” Bachmann who delivered a rebuttal, missed the point of Obama’s address.

This country is in a funk…a malaise…a decrepitude.

When Obama gave his speech Tuesday night, he didn’t give a speech of specifics, instead he painted a canvas full of colors of history, hope, and reminders.

Our nation is in trouble. There is no other way around that fact, and yet…

The President reminded us how we as Americans have in the past, pulled ourselves, collectively, out of messes in the past.

He’s right.

We as a nation are a group of morons both loveable and unlovable…but, when we are met with a national struggle, we rise above our individual idiocy and come together as one.

President Obama was asking that of us on Tuesday, and we need to do so…before it is too late. For if we continue to live and act apart from one and other, we will certainly slide like river silt into the ocean of has beens collectively.

He wasn’t trying to speak to policy wonks on the right or left…He was giving this country a pep talk. We need that, and I’m glad that he did. I liked it.

So, well…that’s all I have to say about that.

And now…Don’t Forget!!!

Jayman and I will be on the air tonight bringing you another award winning episode of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio with our FOXy Black History Show!!

We will be talking about hot news babes, Black History Month, hot black chicks, the SOTU, and Keith Olbermann will be on board.

Our Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck will be bitching, my OCD will be on display, and I’m sure Jay will toss something in that I don’t know about.

So please listen to Jayman and me at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid. You can also call in at 661.244.9852 and listen to us by going to our radio page by clicking HERE.

Until the wonder and excitement that is Friday…

Cheers!!

*I'd like to thank Curious Chris for the I'm With Stupid SOTU Cartoon!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Gov. Robert Bentley...It's a Family Affair!!

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

As I type this, I am hyped up!!

Hyped up because my kid got an F on his Geometry test; I just downed a bottle of NOS, and Michele “Bat Shit Crazy” Bachmann is on TV and she gives me much wood.

Somebody Stop Me!!

Anyhoo…Let’s do some Hump Day Hodgepodge.

From the philosophical mouth of newly elected Alabama Governor Robert Bentley, here’s a quote we should all live by:

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

So folks, if you’d like to be Gov. Robert Bentley’s brother or sister, accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and you’ll become his sister or brother…which is cool, because I think in Alabama that will allow you to marry him as well.

Speaking of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I was reading some old posts and came across this J-Man cartoon that never fails to crack me up:

Ha and Boy Howdy!! That’s some good stuff right there.

I felt bad today.

This morning while taking Schmoop to work, I was getting irritated by the fact that I had to wait for what seemed like an hour while some little kid boarded the school bus.

After the little shit FINALLY boarded the bus and moved along allowing us to pass, my irritation turned to self-loathing.

The side of the school bus read, Clark County Developmental Disabilities. I shall never curse a school bus again.

And now…A shameless promotion for I’m With Stupid!!

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and myself will be airing our Unemployment Show!!

Itsa gonna be HUGE!!

We’re going to talk about the funnier and irritating things about my present, “Lunch is on you Uncle Sam” time, and Jay will speak to his past experience being on the public buffet.

We will also be discussing and previewing next week’s State of the Union Address, touch upon the “new civility” in Washington, D.C., and there will be a, Moment of Matt-Man’s OCD.

All of this and your phone calls Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid.

So listen in and call in. Our I’m With Stupid page can be accessed by clicking HERE, and the call-in number is 661.244.9852

Have a wonderful Hump Day and as always…

Cheers!!

A Box Full of Kindness

Look at this…

It appears to be merely a box full of stuff. But really, it’s much more than that.

It’s actually a box full of thoughtfulness. A box full of kindness…indeed, a box full of love.

And? It was sent to Schmoop and I from the same general area where the serial shooting took place this past weekend.

While I know this all may sound full of hyperbole, this box sent from the Phoenix/Tucson area represents not simply the full on generosity directed at Schmoop and me…

It should serve as a reminder and symbol to all of us, that there is still more kindness in this world than crazy.

Certainly, the crazy and hate-filled jerks like Jared Loughner often grab the headlines by stealing the lives of others.

On TV, blowhards like Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck distort an otherwise clear screen.

The likes of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Alan Grayson make a mockery of the political lineage of Jefferson, Jackson, and Lincoln.

People of that ilk and the millions of others like them, are hateful, obnoxious, and in the extreme case…deadly.

Sometimes it seems as though that people like that are the norm in this world, but they are not. They’re just louder.

The vast majority of people in the world are good. They are the quiet kind that make up the vast majority of our planet.

And the quiet kind far outnumber the loud, hate-filled crazies that populate this world.

My buddy Desert Rat, the propagator of the aforementioned gift, is one of the many kind-hearted people in this world, and while there is only one Desert Rat, there are many others out there like her.

Ha…In fact, when Schmoop and I were unwrapping the contents (yes, she took the time to wrap some of the things), Schmoop said, “It’s like Christmas in January.”

Schmoop was right, but more so…If you know a person like Rat, and we all do, it’s Christmas every day of the year.

I know…as I stated earlier, this post is a bit of hyperbole, but the events in Arizona last weekend and the corresponding origins of the gift gave me a reason to pause and think.

Just keep in mind folks, as the lovely Desert Rat, has reminded me, so let her actions remind you as well…

The quiet kind of the world far outnumber the loud, the crazy, and the lethal.

And one other thing…In spite of the following picture:

Desert Rat is NOT retarded.

Thanks my friend and to you all…

Cheers!!

Scarlett Johansson Naked and the Politics of Sex

Well folks, tomorrow is the big day. 2010 Primary Election Day in the Great State of Ohio.

And, as I promised a couple of weeks ago, I will, after 27 years as a registered Democrat, become a registered Independent.

Perhaps I should take a couple of before and after pictures of myself to see if I look any different after bolting from the Democrat party.

There are still many Democrats that I admire and respect…My buddy and our Sheriff, Gene Kelly (D-Bagwine). U.S. Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH). And of course…

Scarlett Johansson (D?-Does It Matter?)

I do not do this lightly. I am changing my political affiliation not only for ideological reasons, I do this also to protect my journalistic integrity, of which I have none much.

But those are not the only reasons I am leaving the Democrats. I am of course leaving the party mainly due to something which drives many of us…

Sex.

I figure that if I become an Independent it will open up opportunities to not only have sex with Democrats and Independents like Scar-Jo, but with Republicans such as this one...

Once an Independent, I can have guilt free sex and give Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) a guilt free pearl necklace. Open up the Salad Bar ya crazy bitch, Matt-Man is starving!!

And of course being an Independent I can, without the onus of betraying a particular political party, have sex with FOX News babe, Julie Banderas…

When discussing my becoming an Independent, I always cite the over the top ideologies and lack of pragmatism of people like Keith Olbermann and Sean Hannity.

Even after my political conversion I will still be the fairly Liberal kinda guy that I have always been, but…

More than being a Liberal, I have always been quite pragmatic.

I think my wanting to have more sex with more women regardless of political affiliation, proves just that.

Cheers!!

Michele Bachmann: Tea Bagging Her Way To Fame

The health care “debate” in spite of my thinking that it could sink no lower, has plummeted to a nadir that even nattering nabobs of negativism would be hard pressed to believe.

In fact, if I were to channel the ancient spirit of Spiro Agnew, he would probably react to this new line of “debate” by saying, “What the fuck?”

Yesterday, the semi-saucy and full on crazy Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) held a rally in Washington D.C.

Ms. Bachmann Pancake Turner Nosedive feels that any health care reform bill put forth by the Democrats is nothing more than a coup attempt by Communist pigs to convert our land of milk and honey into a trough of rotten beets and cheap vodka.

Okay, I exaggerated…Bachmann has no clue as to what the word “coup” means, but you get my point.

Bachmann helped to gather 4,000 or so tea baggers to Capitol Hill.

Angry and feeling as if they have no voice, these 4,000 people who traveled to D.C. upon the Federal Interstate Highway system, protected along the way by gasoline tax funded state troopers, and enjoying assembly security provided by the National Parks Department, shouted down the government.

These folks ripped up copies of Pelosi’s health care bill… a bill that even if they did have time to read, would be unable to read it. There’s all of those polysyllabic words and such after all.

Mary Beth Bishop of Colorado summed up the burning anger of the protestors by saying:

"We need to show up and uphold the Constitution. It wasn't written on toilet paper."

Very deep Mary Beth, but don’t assume…Times were tough in America when the Constitution was penned and it very well could have been written on toilet paper in order to save money. But I digress.

Speaking of the Constitution, fellow Ohioan and House Minority Leader John Boehner proudly waved a copy of the Constitution while quoting the Declaration of Independence and its holding of certain truths to be self-evident.

Simple mistake…Kinda like the time when the Apostle Matthew waved around the Magdalen Papyrus containing the teachings of the Beatitudes while speaking of the incestuous shenanigans of Lot and his daughters.

It’s understandable. Boehner probably has many a brain miscue due to absorbing far too many gamma rays during his far too frequent tanning bed sessions.

Of course, Bachmann did put a couple of deep thinkers into her program. She brought along thalidomide victim, Rep. Virginia “Matthew Shepard Being Killed Because He Was Gay Is a Hoax” Foxx (R-NC).

And of course in attendance were Jon Voight and John Ratzenberger (aka Cliff from Cheers) better known to those in high brow right wing circles as the Remus and Romulus of Conservative thought.

Seriously…I don’t get it. Other than the oddball guy who digs a middle aged chick who is in need of breast augmentation and a lobotomy reversal, who in the hell follows a nut job like Michele Bachmann?

Hell…Maybe it is I who is crazy. Perhaps I am some sort of anachronism that foolishly lives in an era when the thoughts of Paine, Jefferson, and Madison ruled the day.

I don’t know…All I know is that if Bachmann and those who follow her manage to gain influence over the direction of this country, we are in a world of hurt…

Not only because idiots like those will control the government, but there could very well end up being a remake of Dumb and Dumber starring Jon Voight and John Ratzenberger.

Cheers!!