Earth Day Minus One: Here's To You, Sexy Lady

Tomorrow is Earth Day, and the Matt-Man is goin’ green.

And, I am going entirely green not only on Earth Day, but I will be environmentally correct clear through Friday.

And why shouldn’t I? I feel compelled to celebrate our Mother Earth.

I need to show my thanks to that sexy lady who holds us in her bosom of air, water, crust, and liquid hot magma.

She’s a woman, who at her central core, burns with the passion of Cleopatra, and on her surface, yields the beauty of Helen of Troy.

Our Mother Earth, a fickle female of fauna and flora who sometimes unleashes her pre-menstrual fury in the form of tornados, floods, and locusts.

I do love this sexy, oblique spheroid of a woman so.

So to celebrate her womanly wiles, I will be using little or no water, energy, or hygiene products.

I will save precious water, starting with my toilet.

If I have to take a leak, or pinch a loaf, I will use my toilet, but not flush. My bodily discharges shall float and cavort in the bowl until Friday.

As for toilet paper? I will re-use the same 15 sheets over the coming days.

I will not waste water and energy by taking long, hot showers.

I will instead, refuse to bathe all week, and save those resources for future generations.

My meals will go uncooked. Instead, I will feed upon cans of cold, Chef Boyardee Ravioli and Beefaroni.

That should make my non-toilet flushing practice very colorful, and very life-threatening profound.

I am not going to waste butane or gas from the stove to light my cigarettes.

Instead, at 7 A.M. today, I will be lighting a cigarette and then chain smoking non-stop until Friday, using the last smoke to light the next.

I am going to enjoy doing my part to give thanks to our Mother Earth…

She’s a lady that has given us the breathtaking expanse of the Grand Canyon, the excitement and beauty of a smoldering volcano, and most impressively…

In astounding geologic prophecy, she meticulously carved the heads of four future Presidents atop an obscure mountain in South Dakota eons ago.

She is simply amazing, and I love her.

I wish you a Happy Earth Day, and if you’d like to stop by and enjoy the splendor and aroma of my sacrifice and celebration, feel free.

Have a lovely, and hopefully, very green Monday all.

Cheers!!