Dispatches From My Ass: Mrs. Seinfeld, Turn On The Air!!

Ohio Sucks!

Anymore we have no spring, no fall…just cold, dead winter, and hot, dry summer.

We used to have SEASONS. You know, FOUR of them. Not anymore.

Why so cranky, you ask?

Well, I’m hot, and I don’t like to be hot. We have no air because the motherfucker is broken…again.

Do you remember the saga last year? I know that you do. So, it’s fan city until it gets fixed.

When will that be, you ask? According to the head maintenance guru…A big fat NEVER.

Know why? He’s the only one, responsible for fifty million apartments, that can do it!!

I do love Rob, he’s the best, and quite fucking funny, but like I said, he’s the only one.

He showed me yesterday the thick ass pile of workorders he has. Oh well, I can deal. It sucks, but I can deal.

Hey, wait a minute! It’s storming!!! Thunder, lightning, RAIN!! Oh thank you in the highest to the Holy Baby Jeebus!!

The farmer’s are out dancing in the fields!! The air smells good!! Yea!!!!

Oh, and I had to shut the windows, because that’s the only damn time air comes in, but so does the rain!! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now I’m hot AND damp…And not in a good, “Damn, Matt-Man. I never knew a guy's tongue could be Double Jointed” kinda way!!

I am HOT, SWEATY, and MISERABLE.

When I was a kid, we used to go outside in this shit, and stand under the eaves of our house, sometimes under a tree! I know, risky! Most likely in a bathing suit.

Nowadays at my age, I would never do such a thing. Wear a bathing suit that is, I’ll still go out and play in the thunderstorm.

But I digress…When we were busy playing in the rain, lightning, and thunder as adorable children…

My Mom didn’t even think about telling us to come in. Hell no, we were out of her hair! Sometimes, we’d play kickball during hellatious thunderstorms, and slide in the mud!

My siblings are older than me, but we would all stand out in the thunderstorm, looking up at the sky saying, “Bring it on, Mother Fuckin’ Nature!!”

Mom probably thought, “Damn, I’ve got six kids….hmmm…how many can be eliminated during this one? How about their Dad too? Please Jesus, if you love me you’ll show me via a lightning strike.”

She didn’t really think that…right? I’ll have to ask. On the other hand…I don’t think I want to know. Outside of the Dad thing, of course. I know what the answer to THAT question is!

Anyhoo…It sucks in the Bagwine digs…again. But, there is some relief while waiting for Rob to get through his Mt. Everest sized stack of work orders.

Old, clever Matt-Man has utilized two fans and the ceiling fans to drop the apartment temp by about 7 degrees.

The crafty, little shit strategically placed and rotated them.

(And trust me that is the first time the words “positioned” and “rotated” have ever been used in conjunction with Matt and it didn’t involve a woman.)

If it weren’t for him, things could be worse up here. And…I’m almost done shedding my uterus for the month.

So maybe today, and definitely by Saturday, we can just lay around naked.

But even if we are naked, and I hear Rob knock on the door? I am pushing Matt’s nakedness away from me, letting Rob in, and in all of my naked glory say to Rob…

"Make it blow, Rob…Make it so, Rob."

Zoves,
Schmoop

Steamy Times in Bagwine, Ohio

Man, I am getting a late start on this hot, sunny Friday.

We are in a real pickle here at the Bagwine abode.

It’s been hot and will remain hot for the next few days…and the humidity, oh Dear God, the humidity!!

The air is moister and clammier than Rosie O’Donnell’s jock strap.

And guess what, Bagwine heads? Our A/C is not working. And does our apartment pick up any breeze from the outside? Hell, no.

As I type this at 8:04 A.M., the temp is already 77 and the humidity is at 75%. The high today? A balmy 93 degrees with continued sponge-like humidity.

I have sweat dripping from my nose hair as we speak. Something else has happened.

I have developed a heat rash along my ass crack. It is very irritating and painful.

The sensation is akin to the time that I had sex with a Chinese chef and she tried to stuff two heads of bok choy up my ass.

Let me tell you, that was not a dee-ricious experience. It was painful and flightening.

And last night, trying to sleep…ugh. It was like sleeping in a Swedish sauna. Well, okay, I don’t how that would actually feel.

Let’s see…okay it was like sleeping face down in a pile of steamy pig shit, on an August night, in the fields of a Mexican swine farm.

Now that, I do know something about!! Not good.

Sex was put on hold last night as well. Schmoop and I both were all sticky and sweaty.

Sticky and sweaty is good during and after sex, but PRIOR to sex? Um, not so much.

We thought about having shower sex, but the last time we did that we pulled the soap dish from the shower wall and broke the towel rack.

To avoid embarrassing queries from the maintenance man when he arrives today, we passed on the sex.

I have to head out in about an hour and take my little guy home after his B-Ball practice, so I’ll get a brief reprieve thanks to the A/C in the Bagwine Mobile.

Hopefully the A/C will have been fixed by then.

Happy Friday to you all…

Cheers!!

Update 11:33 A.M.: The maintenance guy was just here. We need a new compressor...He can't install it until Monday, so no A/C 'til then. Oh the Humanity!!

We are going to have to have sex in the shower after all, Schmoop!!