The Die Is Cast...Sorta

Today?

I am off all day, however, I may still not be around much, because I have a myriad of things to do, and many phone calls to make.

I must call my brother Marte’, the Crazy Cat Man From Columbus, Richard…and most of all, my new, possible Blog Talk Radio partner, Jay.

Yesterday I posted about Jay and I possibly doing a BTR Show together. Well, those of you who commented as to the viability of such a show were in support so…

I will call Jay today and mull a few things over with him.

I know…Mulling isn’t legal in Jay’s state of Arkansas unless it’s with a family member, but we shall buck the law and mull things over.

Actually…in spite of the early comments telling Jay and I that we should sally forth upon our walk of shame into internet radio, I was still very hesitant.

In fact Tuesday as I walked to work, I asked God for a sign as to whether I, a pervert from Ohio, should do this internets radio thing with some funny, Viking helmeted, fucked up Arkansan.

Well ladies and gentlemen, as I cut through the hospital parking lot across the street from me on my ambulatory way to work, I got a sign from God.

I saw this on a car in the hospital parking lot…

Yeah Bitches…I laughed.

The Buckeye State and The Natural State are going to make Blog Talk Radio love, and you will all be the worse for it, and may even get mentally impregnated.

I mean, if the two of us morons can pull something together.

Cheers!!

Kevin Miller: The Menacing Mer-Man of Sugarcreek Township, Ohio

Just a few miles south of Bagwine, Ohio in Greene County (Sugarcreek Township to be specific), 41 year old Kevin Lee Miller went on a crime spree.

His crimes against humanity were so diabolical and egregious, that for a week, they had the denizens of that area on the brink of terror whenever they left their house.

Fortunately, late Monday evening, the deleterious Mr. Miller, still dripping in the corpus delicti of his atrocities, was arrested in his home by Sugarcreek Twp. Police.

What were the crimes perpetrated by this flagitious man? He wore a woman’s one piece swimsuit, approached women, and asked them how he looked.

He would pop out of the woods along hiking trails or stand on the river bank and ask hikers or canoeists if he looked good in his swimwear.

Here’s a picture of him being led into the Greene County jail…Do you think he looks hot, or what?

Sometimes…now, brace yourself…he would then jog behind the women from whom he had just requested a fashion critique. I know. I was aghast as well.

Now initial reports indicated that that was all that he did. In fact, here is the initial statement from the police:

“Police said Miller will be charged with five counts of public indecency and three counts of menacing.

At no point did he threaten physical harm, but what he was doing made witnesses very uncomfortable, police said.”

Ha…He was charged with all of that for making some people, “very uncomfortable”?

WTF? Since when is making a person very uncomfortable, a crime? Why were these alleged victims so upset?

Hell, the bastard was covering up more of his body in that swimsuit than he would have if he was wearing a man’s swimsuit.

But by God...Kevin Miller, through expressing his surf’s up, feminine side, is labeled a criminal because it made some…uncomfortable.

America…The whiny, “I don’t care if it is legal; I’m offended”, pussification of our country continues…And it has turned a bathing beauty into a criminal.

Sad…

Of course now, hours after he was already charged, it is being alleged that Miller, “partially exposed” himself to some.

What the hell does that mean? Does that mean one of his fake boobs fell out or perhaps his left ass cheek wanted to say “hi” during his jog?

Were there a couple of loose diamonds bouncing about in that lycra enforced one-piece?

Bullshit. The only thing that this guy did wrong? He made some whiny ass, “I refuse to handle things myself” people feel uncomfortable.

While the guy’s habit is a bit amusing, the fact that he was arrested over it, is not. Not At All.

It’s an irreverent, yet salient demonstration as to how many Americans want to ban, arrest, and/or sue anything and anyone who offends them.

Well have me arrested and sue me, Bitches, because today, I am going to walk around in public wearing this:

Did I just make you, very uncomfortable? Or, did I just make some of you very HOT!?

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: Mrs. Seinfeld, Turn On The Air!!

Ohio Sucks!

Anymore we have no spring, no fall…just cold, dead winter, and hot, dry summer.

We used to have SEASONS. You know, FOUR of them. Not anymore.

Why so cranky, you ask?

Well, I’m hot, and I don’t like to be hot. We have no air because the motherfucker is broken…again.

Do you remember the saga last year? I know that you do. So, it’s fan city until it gets fixed.

When will that be, you ask? According to the head maintenance guru…A big fat NEVER.

Know why? He’s the only one, responsible for fifty million apartments, that can do it!!

I do love Rob, he’s the best, and quite fucking funny, but like I said, he’s the only one.

He showed me yesterday the thick ass pile of workorders he has. Oh well, I can deal. It sucks, but I can deal.

Hey, wait a minute! It’s storming!!! Thunder, lightning, RAIN!! Oh thank you in the highest to the Holy Baby Jeebus!!

The farmer’s are out dancing in the fields!! The air smells good!! Yea!!!!

Oh, and I had to shut the windows, because that’s the only damn time air comes in, but so does the rain!! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now I’m hot AND damp…And not in a good, “Damn, Matt-Man. I never knew a guy's tongue could be Double Jointed” kinda way!!

I am HOT, SWEATY, and MISERABLE.

When I was a kid, we used to go outside in this shit, and stand under the eaves of our house, sometimes under a tree! I know, risky! Most likely in a bathing suit.

Nowadays at my age, I would never do such a thing. Wear a bathing suit that is, I’ll still go out and play in the thunderstorm.

But I digress…When we were busy playing in the rain, lightning, and thunder as adorable children…

My Mom didn’t even think about telling us to come in. Hell no, we were out of her hair! Sometimes, we’d play kickball during hellatious thunderstorms, and slide in the mud!

My siblings are older than me, but we would all stand out in the thunderstorm, looking up at the sky saying, “Bring it on, Mother Fuckin’ Nature!!”

Mom probably thought, “Damn, I’ve got six kids….hmmm…how many can be eliminated during this one? How about their Dad too? Please Jesus, if you love me you’ll show me via a lightning strike.”

She didn’t really think that…right? I’ll have to ask. On the other hand…I don’t think I want to know. Outside of the Dad thing, of course. I know what the answer to THAT question is!

Anyhoo…It sucks in the Bagwine digs…again. But, there is some relief while waiting for Rob to get through his Mt. Everest sized stack of work orders.

Old, clever Matt-Man has utilized two fans and the ceiling fans to drop the apartment temp by about 7 degrees.

The crafty, little shit strategically placed and rotated them.

(And trust me that is the first time the words “positioned” and “rotated” have ever been used in conjunction with Matt and it didn’t involve a woman.)

If it weren’t for him, things could be worse up here. And…I’m almost done shedding my uterus for the month.

So maybe today, and definitely by Saturday, we can just lay around naked.

But even if we are naked, and I hear Rob knock on the door? I am pushing Matt’s nakedness away from me, letting Rob in, and in all of my naked glory say to Rob…

"Make it blow, Rob…Make it so, Rob."

Zoves,
Schmoop

A Pig And A Poke

Much like in Orwell’s book, Animal Farm, the pigs are pissed, and are exacting their revenge in the form of Swine Flu.

The death toll in Mexico from this porcine pandemic, as of this writing, stands at 149.

It doesn't surprise me so much that pigs are making folks sick, because as my Mom always said to me as I was growing up:

“Matthew, if you lie down with pigs, you’ll get influenza A virus subtype H1N1.”

Yep, she always said that to me. Damn she was one smart woman. Anyhoo…

This outbreak which started in Mexico has found its way into the States.

California, New York, Texas, Kansas, and my state of Ohio, have reported cases of Swine Flu over the last couple of days.

Evidently this strain of Swine Flu can be passed not only from pig to human, but from human to human as well.

In Mexico, and four of the five aforementioned states, the sickness was the result of human to human contact, but let me tell ya folks…

I am almost positive that the cases in Ohio are the result of direct pig to human contact.

You see, while we are a state of nearly 11 million people, there are still vast rural areas in Ohio as well.

Folks in these rural, agricultural areas of Ohio, when not farming or going to a Baptist revival, enjoy three things…

Cow tipping, manufacturing meth, and pig fucking. Yes indeed folks, Ohio is one, huge ass state rife with pig fuckers.

Damn right. In parts of Ohio, animal husbandry takes on an entirely different meaning than what you believe it to be.

Oh sure, it involves injecting livestock with semen, but here in Ohio the injection takes on more of a "hands-on" approach.

It also, oft times, incorporates a case of Budweiser, the soft glow of a Coleman lantern, and a post-coital Marlboro.

Unfortunately, animal husbandry in Ohio, too often DOES NOT involve a condom. Tragic.

While people all over the country are oinking out over the spread of Swine Flu, here in Ohio we have, for years, been very familiar with it.

We just never called it Swine Flu. Any pig fucker ’round here who contracted a disease from a hog was known to have, “Swine-orrhea” or “Sowphilis”.

If you contract the disease by having sex with a sow, sure you’ll initially just get flu-like symptoms, but...

Six weeks later your Johnson(ville) will end up, appropriately enough, looking like it just went through a sausage grinder.

So my fellow Ohioans and any others who have desirous thoughts of getting it on with a porcine princess, if you’re going to do so, make sure you wrap your wank prior to porking the pig.

Better yet, don’t go all the way with Miss Piggy. Instead do what I do…

Simply have oral sex with the pig. And by that, I mean a pig in this form:

And please, don’t forget to wash your hands often when handling raw pork!!

Even oral sex with a pig should be as made as safe as humanly possible.

Cheers!!

OHIO GOES BLUE??

OBAMAHIO

Cheers!!

The White Death Has A Choke Hold On Bagwine, Ohio

I haven't had time to go back and look at the comments from this week, so I will award the COW tomorrow, during our Sunday Morning Church Disservice.

We are having a pretty decent snow storm. I also have a massive hangover due to last night's Blizzard Bash. Ai Yi Yi...

I did, however, manage to take my ass outside early this morning and capture of few pictures of Mother Nature's PMS outburst.

Enjoy...

The Bagwine Mobile...It's funny how the wind blows, no?

Oooops...It appears that somebody missed the driveway last night. It wasn't me...at least I don't think it was me.

Trust me, there are steps under there somewhere...

This is a view looking across the street...That's a hospital across the road. How convenient for me when it comes time for my liver transplant!!

This is the front porch bench that I sit on in the summer as I watch the cars go by. Or, as I refer to it as, "Idiots on Parade, Brought to You by Old English 800"

Ahhhhhhhhh. Isn't that pretty?

Bad weather can not keep the stupid from venturing out...They're probably on their morning Meth run.

My snow covered knee...I fell down. Now, I am not only hungover; I'm cold and wet as well.

Is this shot a little blurry, or is it just the fog in my brain?

It's a blowin'...The winds are supposed to pick up to around 35 mph shortly...

This car is buried...I don't know whose car it is, but it's parked in a handicap spot so I guess the owner of this car is doubly fucked today.

Enjoy your Saturday folks. We are going to spend it tossing back a few cocktails and going snowblind.

I hope to see you at Church tomorrow. Until then...

Cheers!!