If...

Guess what sports fans? As my Mondays and Tuesdays afford me little time for anything other than work, I am doing a partial meme today.

That’s right. I think this may be only the third one I have done since I started this site in May of 2006. But when one has little time and nothing on his mind, what the hell?

I came across it on Mrs. D’s site the other day…

If I were a month I'd be August ‘cause I am always hot and sweaty.

If I were a day I’d be Friday ’cause I am off on Fridays, although some say I always am.

If I were a time of day I’d be 9:15 P.M. I walk in the door, open a beer, and Corky greets me.

If I were a font I’d be well I don’t know, but whichever one it was it would be in boldface.

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sponge. I soak it all up bitches.

If I were a direction I’d be South ‘cause I do like to go south on the ladies.

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be an inflatable bondage sofa.

If I were a liquid I’d be duh…Wild Irish Rose!!

If I were a tree I’d be an evergreen of some type ’cause I’m here for everyone year ’round.

If I were a tool…well, wait…I already am a tool. Next?

If I were a musical instrument I’d be Fender guitar, a Fender painted red, you could play me darlin’ until your fingers bled. (apologies to Mark Knopfler)

If I were a sound I’d be nails on a chalkboard.

If I were a food I’d be a Loosemeat Sandwich.

If I were a body part I’d be the tongue. Mmmmmmmm, love using my tongue.

If I were a song I’d be “I Touch Myself”.

If I were a bird I’d be a pigeon. I do like a good shit.

If I were a door I’d be open.

If I were a poem I’d be one that I wrote in the early 80’s during my New Wave poetry period:

The sky is blue.
The grass is green.
I am white.

Can I get some snaps of the fingers on that one?

Another eleven hour day today, so I shall see you all on Wednesday.

Cheers!!

A Treasure Trove of Memories

Monday and Tuesdays are my 11 hour work days so I have little free time on those days, however I do have a brief post for today.

As many of you know, Schmoop’s mom passed away a little over a week ago. The day after she died, Schmoop and I went up to her house to visit with Dave and another brother.

Amidst the conversation, Dave said that he had to start getting rid of all of the “stuff” she had acquired over her 86 years.

Me, being the incredibly nice guy that I am, was more than happy to take a couple of things off of Dave’s “to get rid of” list.

I immediately spied two things that to me, were “must have” items.

The first item, is a plaster/ceramic/hardened magma kinda birdbath/ bird feeder…

Is it not beautiful? Who wouldn’t a gopher/woodchuck/whistle pig with a sunflower on its head displayed prominently in their abode?

I thought no one would refuse such a piece of art, but Schmoop seemed to be a little pissed at me for taking it and placing it in our apartment. Huh…go figure.

Perhaps, she doesn’t have the same acute eye for tasteful American art and craftsmanship that I have.

The second item I jumped on? It was her mom’s dog. Well, not a real dog, but a large stuffed dog…

Isn’t she adorable? She is about three feet long and two feet tall from the floor to the top of her precious head. She rests on the floor in front of the TV.

Schmoop’s mom named her Dudley, but since ol’ Dudley has a new owner, this owner felt the need for a new name.

I thought about it long and hard, and when halfway through a fifth of Rose the other day, it came to me.

Since my new canine companion has ears but cannot hear, eyes but cannot see, a mouth yet cannot speak, I have named her…Keller...

In honor of Helen Keller. I know, I thought it was a warm tribute myself.

I hope before you exit this page today that although she won’t be able to hear you, that you say hi to Keller.

That’s it for today folks, I won’t be around much so behave yourselves and I shall see you on Wednesday.

Cheers!!

2007: A Bagwine Odyssey

Okay folks, here’s the scoop. Over the past week I have bought and hooked up a new computer. I then purchased a digital camera and have been getting to know how to use it. I’m not quite proficient with it yet, but getting better. I spent some time talking to tekkies in order to fix my Windows Vista problem. Last night I hooked up my high speed connection. It was a breeze. It only took 30 minutes to set it up and activate it. I was so happy.

Finally, my site is a part of the 21st Century. Now I have but one thing to do. With all of this time spent on technology issues, I seemed to have misplaced my caustic sense of humor. I will look around for it today, and when I find it you’ll be the first to know…well other than me of course.

Until then, Cheers!!

P.S. Hey Travis…See the new Poll Question? There…On the Left!! Good Travis ; )

Damn You Travis!!

I have been tagged by Travis to fill out this meme. While not a big fan of filling out memes (mainly because of the word “meme”) I have duly filled it out, because Trav is very, very sensitive.

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU'VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1. Eating meat is so disgusting.
2. No thanks, I’ve had enough Wild Irish Rose for the evening.
3. I have great confidence in President Bush.
4. Let’s go to the opera!!

LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU'VE FELT THIS WEEK:

1. Ball of Confusion, The Temptations
2. Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, Tom Lehrer
3. The Roto-Rooter Ad Jingle, Captain Stubby and the Buccaneers

IMAGINE YOU'RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?

1. Wake up and have a plateful of sage sausage ready for my consumption.
2. Read in the newspaper that Joe Biden is our new President.
3. Drink copious amounts of Wild Irish Rose.
4. End the day by eating greasy bratwursts in bed with a sexy Swedish deaf mute bikini model.

MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1. Not Nearly As Good As Ezra
2. Tainted Spinach
3. Grandmasterbater Flash and the Funky Five
4. Rotten Salami
5. Soccer Moms On Meth

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?

1. Sugar Shack, Recorded by Jimmy Gilmer and The Fireballs
2. Muskrat Rat Love, Captain and Tenille
3. You Take My Breath Away, Rex Smith

Now, if would like to read the lyrics to a great song, scroll down for Bagwine Records latest Lenten release. See you all tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday…Cheers!!

Green Beer, Birthdays, and Wedding Vows

I had a great epiphany over this past weekend, March of 2007 is gonna be one heck of a month!! First of all, St. Paddy’s Day falls on a Saturday this year. How good is that!? I‘ll tell you how good it is…It’s as good as being the meat in a Tyra Banks and Jenna Jameson sandwich…Talk about enjoying some marble rye!! Okay maybe it’s not that good, but it’s close.

You see, when St. Patrick’s Day falls on a weekday, it is kind of a bother. By the time the workday is over, the bars around here are always packed. And I mean packed wall to wall, it’s kinda not so fun. When it falls on a weekend, I can get up that morning down some coffee, and be on a barstool eating ham and eggs and washing it down with green beer by 8:15 A.M. At noon I can eat some beef stew with my green beer. And later around 5 P.M. as they begin to serve corned beef and cabbage, I can peacefully lay in my booth, holding my 8th pitcher of green beer, and pass out as I piss down my leg, leaving a stain on my crotch, a puddle at my feet, and warm feeling all over my body…Good Times.

Another big thing going on that month is that Thursday, March 22nd; the Matt-Man is boarding a plane and heading off to our nation’s capital. I will be spending the weekend in Washington, D.C. in order to attend a nephew’s funeral wedding. Madcap, wacky, and civil suit, are just some of the words that come to mind when I think about my family getting together in downtown D.C. Listen up Phoenix Park Hotel; make sure the insurance premiums have been paid up, because when my clan gets there we are going to knock D.C. off of its newly arrived vernal equinox.

I will be getting back to Bagwine, Ohio the following Sunday just two days before the last big event of March 2007. You see on Tuesday the 27th of March, Schmoop will no longer BE 40, she will be IN her 40’s as she will be turning 41. My, my where do the years go. I know I could say that you’re not getting older, Schmoop, you’re getting better, but you are getting older, and as far as getting better, well that depends on one’s outlook. If you consider that the list of the people in this world that you want dead increases every day, than yes you are getting better. In any event it will be a fun day.

So there you have it folks, March is going to be one hell of a fun month, and the best thing is that it will probably lead to some very interesting Bagwine posts in April!! By the way, if any of you fine female fans of Bagwine Ruminations, are in the area at that time, give me a call. Maybe we can get together, go see the Capitol, and then head back to my room for a little filibustering!!

Cheers…

A Profile in Courage

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?"

--MLK, Jr.

I hope all of you had a great weekend. I'll be back later today with our Monday rumination...Cheers

Growing Pains

Bagwine Ruminations is undergoing some slight modifications. The last two days I have posted twice, a very short how do ya do in the early morning, and full post later in the day. I am going to continue that format. Why? Because the Matt-Man has great love for his readers.

That’s right folks, I love each and every one of you and I do not want to give you something to read that is second rate. Lately, I have felt rushed to put something out as early as I can, leading to what I consider sub par Ruminations. This format will afford me the time to deliver you a little chuckle in the morning and hopefully a hearty guffaw later in the day. I will once again be able to come up with humorous nuggets such as the game show I invented…If you missed it click HERE.

I hope this format will be better for both me, and you, the reader. This format change will NOT apply to Stream of Consciousness Fridays…Am I selfless or what? Thanks to all for continuing to stop by, and as always, cheers!!