Matt-Stuff: On The Auction Block

Schmoop has been off all week, and I guess being off for a whole week with me has put a strain on her attitude. She has decided that maybe a long weekend away from home may be just the way to get her mojo back and loosen her clenched knife-wielding fist. She doesn’t want to put a strain on her finances however, so she wants to auction off a few things. Of course, the things that she is selling off happen to be mine. She may put them on eBay but she felt that she ought to give the Bagwine readers first shot at them. Following…a description of the items in the picture.

1. My last bottle of ice cold Orange Crush. I found that to be an odd item.

2. My TV remote which is constantly in my hand and is referred to by Schmoop as my, “dick extension”.

3. My Mark Knopfler/Emmylou Harris “All the Roadrunning” CD. Schmoop has given it a new title. Everytime I play it she says, “Dear God, Not Again!!”

4. My stylish purple SEIU picket line beret. Tres’ Chic, No?

5. My Notre Dame blue and gold megaphone. Many an expletive has come forth from this treasured instrument.

6. My favorite T-Shirt. This shirt is 15 years old and tissue thin, but it feels so good against my man suit.

7. My ukulele. Don Ho has passed on to the great poi pot in the sky so what the hell.

So there you have it folks. You can place a bid on a piece of the Matt-Man in order to save Schmoop’s sanity. But there’s more…

These items alone will not raise enough money. So later today, we will be auctioning off an incredibly fantastic item…something that is so near and dear to my heart it crushes me to allow it to be put up for bid. Check back later to see what it is, because you may not be able to live without it.

Cheers!!

Perspectives of the Matt-Man

This is what I see while I'm watching TV...

This is what I see when I take a leak...

This is what I see when I am having my morning constitutional...

This is what I see when I am having a good night's sleep...


This is what I see when I have passed out from too much Wild Irish Rose...











I hope these perspectives lead to a better understanding about me for you, my loyal readers, Cheers!!

Corky's Under The Weather

I probably won't be able to put up a post today, because the lovable Corky is feeling pretty bad and is headed to the vet. She is showing the same signs of the bladder infection that put in her in the hospital for three days back around Thanksgiving. Please take a second today and wish the old girl luck.

On a lighter note, wish me luck as well because I am bowling with my son again today and my used up old body hasn't even recovered from our weekend of basketball.

I'll keep you updated on the Cork-Meister.

Cheers!!

Inky And Lola: Anatomy 101

Click On Inky and Lola To Enlarge...

I have some errands to run this morning so enjoy the cartoon in my absence.

CHEERS!!

Fantastic Matt: Rise Of The Flesh Toned Surfboard

The new Fantastic 4 movie really cleaned up at the Box Office this weekend. I haven’t seen it yet but I do really love one of the characters, The Invisible Woman. Yes I am a shallow man and part of my affection for the character is purely for masturbation purposes sexual, but I think Jessica Alba through her theatrical genius, has captured the essence of this particular superhero. I spend hours on end thinking about the fun I could have with the Invisible Woman.

I even had a dream about her the other night. She came over and we started drinking some WIR. We sat on the couch and she began to rub her form fitting superhero suit up against me. We put down our drinks and she straddles me as I sit on the couch. She puts her lips to mine and then proceeds to tickle my uvula with her super tongue. She kisses my neck and I open my eyes and there on the TV is a one-eyed toucan singing a reggae version of “I’m Turning Japanese”…Anyway she stands up and takes my hand and says, “Let’s go to the bed.”

Once in bed, we lay down next to each other completely nekkid. After a few pecks and licks, she whispers in my ear, “Get kinky Matt-Man, do me while I’m invisible.” I said, “Okay, but how will I find everything?” Jessica…er…The Invisble Woman says, “You’ll do fine, after all, you’re Matt-Man, bitch!!” When she said that, I didn’t know what turned me on more, that I was in bed with a gorgeous superhero, or the fact that she obviously reads my blog!!

Anyway, she went all invisible on me and I began the search and seizure mission. It did not start out well. I spent the first ten seconds French kissing her left eye. I then moved on to kiss and caress her super breasts which oddly had no nipples. It was then I realized that I was sucking on her kneecaps. I took a minute to sit up and analyze the shape and position of how her body was sunk into the bed. I studied and then hopped where I thought I would be in position for some good lovin’. When I landed she said, “Oooooo good job Matt-Man.”

Passionately yet gently, I begin to make lover to her, or as I romantically refer to it, “puttin’ the spud in the mud”. I hate to go into too much detail but I was in euphoric shock. Either the Enzyte I had been taking was adding the inches it guaranteed or this was the tightest hoo-ha I had ever come across. I was nearing the moment of climax when I moaned a super moan, and she laughed a super laugh.

Lying beneath me, laughing…she became visible. I looked down and discovered the source of her amusement. I had spent the last two minutes banging the hell out of her belly button. The mood had been shattered. She said, “It’s okay Matt-Man. I’ll stop by tomorrow and go see the movie with you. You can freak out everyone at the theatre by making out with me while I’m invisible. Just be ready to be called Pee-Wee Matt-Man. Ciao baby!!”

I hope this entry will help you to think of me if you go to view this fine movie which I have never seen. Until next time, Cheers!!

Shame On You Sheriff Taylor, Shame!!

It is so nice to have the internet connection re-established, and yet I will be off today. I am taking my son fishing this morning and then out to lunch. I am looking forward to it because not only is he my son, but he is smarter and more pleasant than most adults that I know. It seems appropriate to be spending time with him this week with Father’s Day coming up this Sunday. The impending Father’s Day celebration has also triggered a couple of things in my feeble mind. I wish I could go back in time and ask some of the more famous TV dads a few questions.

For instance, I would like to ask Ward Cleaver how he and June had two kids when it is quite apparent that he and June never had sex. And one other thing Ward, “Sweater Vest, really?” I need the answers. And Ozzie Nelson, did you ever get high with your son Ricky? I bet you did.

Who is the worst TV father? My money is on Mr. Drummond from “Diff'rent Strokes”. Hey Mr. Drummond do you feel bad that Kimberly died from drug abuse, Willis has been in and out of jail all of his adult life, and Arnold….well, he’s just freaky? One more thing, “What was Willis talkin’ about?”

I would like to ask Sheriff Andy Taylor, what kind of father allows his son Opie to change his name to Richie Cunningham and move to Milwaukee? Speaking of which, Mr. Cunningham what happened to your oldest, basketball playing son Chuck? We saw him on “Happy Days” twice and then poof!! Did you and Sheriff Taylor have a son switch so Chuck could move to Mayberry, N.C. and play basketball for the University of North Carolina? Aha, I think I may be on to something here!! One more thing Sheriff Taylor, did Helen Crump like to be on top?

Finally, I have a few questions for Mike Brady. Mr. Brady, how is it that…well maybe this line of questioning should be its own post, so I’ll leave it there.

Well folks, fishing and lunch today and dentist and batting cages tomorrow, so my reading and responses will be hit and miss the next couple of days…please forgive me. I do promise that if I take any worthwhile father/son pics of me and Ryno, I will post them.

Enjoy the day, and as always, Cheers!!

Sixteen Square Inches Of Anguish

My actual post will be delayed today because of this maddening piece of equipment that you see on your right. It is my DSL box. See the red light on? Of course you do, and I have seen it all morning...The worse thing is that if it can't find a connection the annoying red light blinks.

Why does the light have to blink mockingly at me? Who was the geeky designer that felt not only to give the user a head's up as to a problem, he or she also made the damn light blink in order to give the Matt-Man a red, pulsating F-U every half second? Some people are pure evil.

I will try to post and read your blogs today but this looks like it may be one of those less than fully connected days. Cheers...

Sometimes We All Have Fear

It’s 5:45 A.M. My hands are twitching, anxiety coursing through my body. I sit on the couch, frightened. My upper lip is bathed in a cold sweat as my right eyebrow begins to twitch in fear of the situation. The blue gray hues of dawn do little to allay my sense of apprehension…How could this have happened to me and is there any end in sight?

I don’t know how much more of this pain I can endure. My legs begin to shake furiously. I hate being at the mercy of someone else. My situation is dire, “God Help Me.”

At last, shattering the heavy sound of dread, sounds of hope split the air…a creak, a squeak, and a pop. A door swings open, and out she comes. With great haste I make my move, and with microseconds to spare, I make it safely to the bathroom and empty my swollen, aching bladder!!

Until we meet again, Cheers!!

If you have time, click HERE and go wish the lovely Sanni a Happy Birthday…

Bush, Putin, and Checking Out of the Hilton

Well, President Bush has been touring Europe and so far so good. He hasn't groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel and he hasn't looked into anyone's soul. I do find it funny that he is about to have a private meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the same time that the U.S. Senate will be holding nomination hearings for a War CZAR!! Bush is the king of the subtle diplomatic F-U.

Relations have been strained bewteen the two since the call for a missile defense system to be built in Europe by the west. Putin thinks this an act of aggression towards Mother Russia. I think Vladimir needs to relax. This is not an act of aggression; the defense system is merely another unbid piece of cake for Halliburton. Lighten up V-Man.

While this is a very important meeting I think it won't be covered as it should be, because as I type this I just saw a bulletin on TV saying that Paris Hilton has been released from jail....no, I'm not kidding...So, I must be off because world peace is important, but I need the 411 on the release of the yeast. Until later my friends, Cheers!!

Ear-I-Lee Funny

I won't have a post ready until later today, so in order to make your Monday Morning Blues a little more tolerable, I have yet another picture of proof of my son's early signs of genius. He was about 7 years old when this was taken. Man, that is one long Q-Tip isn't it?

Cheers...

Do You Know The Mullet Man?

We had a special visitor to the Bagwine abode yesterday, my brother Vince. Vinny is number five of nine in my family. He is the only person I know that has less of a tolerance for alcohol than me. He is not only a very generous guy, he has one of the best mullets in Bagwine, Ohio. Maybe we should call him Billy Ray Vince. Until later today...Cheers!!

Note: Thank you all for the nice comments that you left yesterday. I truly appreciate it....

Poor Inky...He Hasn't A Clue

Click On Cartoon To Enlarge...

Do You Come From A Land Down Under?

Yet again I have been tagged with a meme. As you know, in general, I am not a big fan of these and I believe that there is a conspiracy afoot to tag me left and right. I have to respond to this one because I was tagged by Sanni. I would have preferred to be tagged by Sanni in the form of a nude full frontal body slam but I’m not that lucky. For those of you who do not know her, she is an incredibly sexy German uber angel who could get me to walk down the middle of town dressed only in a Donald Duck outfit without the bottom part. Here is the point of this particular meme:

1. Go to www.popculturemadness.com
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Write something about how the songs affected you

I turned 18 in 1983. The first thing I noticed about the list of songs that was generated was how much bad music I was subjected to my senior year of high school. The list of songs included such ear melting, heartburn inducing “classics” such as Maniac, Pass The Dutchie, Total Eclipse of the Heart, and Mr. Roboto. It also included tunes from Air Supply and enough Michael Jackson songs to fuel a Pedophile Convention for days. Looking at the list I wonder how I am still somewhat sane. The list did include a few gems that brought back and created some memories and thoughts.

Number one on the list is, It’s Raining Men. As soon as I saw that I immediately had a vision of blog friend Mo wearing his Wonder Woman costume, lasso and all. Come On Eileen is on the list and it was and is to this day one of the best drunken sing-a-long songs ever. Two completely different types of songs but two of my favorites appear, Shock the Monkey by Peter Gabriel and Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs. The latter could be heard playing during most of my teenage sexual romps with my girlfriend Sherri. Good times, good times.

I was the drummer and lead singer of band called Iroquois at the time and there were a couple of songs on the list that we played. Sharp Dressed Man and Gimme All Your Lovin’ by ZZ Top as well as I Melt With You by Modern English and Jeopardy by The Greg Khin Band. We weren’t too bad actually, and it was a fun time regardless of not getting many gigs.

I was glad to see Down Under by Men at Work on the list. A group of us saw them in concert in ‘82 at King’s Island. A little known, yet up and coming Aussie band opened for them. It was INXS and we really got up hung up on them!! Of course Bagwine’s own Hair Care Joe’s favorite is on the list as well with Safety Dance.

It was quite ironic, and timely, seeing one song in particular on the list. I started doing something a couple of weeks ago to my son Ryno. Out of the blue I started doing a Boy George dance shuffle and singing, I’ll Tumble 4 Ya. Without hesitation he covered his eyes and started saying, “Erase!! Erase!! Erase!! No child should EVER have to see their dad doing that!!” Of course I do it all the time to him now.

So there you have it, the highs and lows of the music from 1983. One thing, they may have pre-dated 1983 by a year or two but where in the hell is A Flock of Seagulls, WTF? Thanks Sanni for including me and to all, Cheers!!

T-Minus Two Days Until Rumination Celebration. May 23rd marks the one year anniversary of Bagwine Ruminations…

The Journey Begins...

Wow , what am I to do? I am not tied down to a day job for awhile. I have all of this time on my hands. And guess what? I haven’t a clue as to what to write about. Oh sure I do have some exciting things on tap for today. Right now I am drinking the last of the coffee, but it is gonna get wacky ‘round here.

For instance, in a few minutes I am going to take a shower. Scrub up the ol’ man suit and then towel off and brush my teeth. I will then proceed to toss some clothes on and head out to the Dry Cleaners to drop off my suit. Stay with me folks it gets much more exciting. After that, I may go tot the grocery to pick up a can of coffee, and then head back home to do some laundry.

I guess the carpet needs a good vacuuming too, so while my clothes are in the spin cycle I’ll be in the suck cycle. Wow I didn’t realize how much fun having this time off would be. It allows me to catch up on all of the breaking news as well. As I type this I am hearing an update on the Paris Hilton situation. I do have a pretty good idea for a new reality show featuring Paris. The show would pit Paris against Lindasy Lohan and Diana Ross in a no hold barred prison dance contest. It would be called “Dancing With The Guards”. This freedom has really lubed my mind up, hasn’t it?

Well folks I am off to scrub up and meet the day. Until we meet again, Cheers!!

The Little Matt-Man That Could

There are a lot of things going on in the World of Bagwine right now. I am at a crossroads and it is time to pick which road to take. (No, it has nothing to do with Schmoop) For some time now, I have been in a rut. This in turn, has led to quite a bit of internal anger. I have even begun to curse at the cute little squirrels that frolic on the tree outside my window. The worse thing is that I could have sworn that they cursed back at me the other day.

I have come to a conclusion. It is time to release my inner woman…er…my inner courage and stop selling myself short. I am going to take a chance on myself and a chance in life. I am the one who allowed the rut to get deeper and the anger to burn hotter. It is up to me to dig myself out and extinguish the fire. So life, I say, “Bring it on baby. You and I are going to go 15 rounds and I’m going to win, because I’m Matt-Man bitch!!”

Oh, what does the picture have to do with this, you ask? Absolutely nothing, but one of my brothers (Party Marty) stopped by yesterday so I snapped his picture. I am sorry to subject you to such a horror on a Monday morning.

Until next time, Cheers!!

“If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.”

--Jim Rohn

Don Imus: FU CBS

Programming Note: Later tonight I will be presenting a lecture involving the Geometry of Adult Entertainment...Don't Miss It!!


Well...well…well. CBS fired Don Imus last month for making a disrespectful and rude comment (i.e. Nappy Headed Ho’s) towards the Rutgers Women’s basketball team. The folks at CBS were aghast, nay, OUTRAGED at such an irreverent comment oozing from the mouth of the controversial and bombastic talk show host. Once Al Sharpton and his cronies convinced advertisers to pull the plug on the show, CBS executives agreed, Imus is deplorable and must go.

Fast forward to the present. Imus is likely to sue CBS for among other things, breach of contract…Price Tag: 40 Million. Some may find this to be a case of a jilted celeb seeking unwarranted compensation for a just termination, but not so fast my friend. Let’s look at a clause in Mr. Imus’ contract.

"Company (CBS Radio) acknowledges that Artist's (Imus') services to be rendered hereunder are of a unique, extraordinary, irreverent, intellectual, topical, controversial and personal character and that programs of the same general type and nature containing these components are desired by Company and are consistent with Company rules and policies."

So the boys at CBS wanted the I-Man to be controversial and irreverent. In fact, as the clause says, this type of programming is desired. It seems to me that since Imus was irreverent (i.e. rude and disrespectful) and controversial (he certainly evoked controversy) that he held up his end of the contract exceedingly well. I say that if the nob job execs at CBS wanted to fulfill their end of the agreement, they should not have fired Imus, but instead given the shriveled up prune-faced lookin’ curmudgeon a big ass raise!!

Oh the irony, Imus does his job by dissin’ a predominately black basketball team and yet The Man is keepin’ him down. The moral of this story...Don’t Mess With the Hypocrisy of Whitey.

Until we meet again, Cheers!!

2007: A Bagwine Odyssey

Okay folks, here’s the scoop. Over the past week I have bought and hooked up a new computer. I then purchased a digital camera and have been getting to know how to use it. I’m not quite proficient with it yet, but getting better. I spent some time talking to tekkies in order to fix my Windows Vista problem. Last night I hooked up my high speed connection. It was a breeze. It only took 30 minutes to set it up and activate it. I was so happy.

Finally, my site is a part of the 21st Century. Now I have but one thing to do. With all of this time spent on technology issues, I seemed to have misplaced my caustic sense of humor. I will look around for it today, and when I find it you’ll be the first to know…well other than me of course.

Until then, Cheers!!

P.S. Hey Travis…See the new Poll Question? There…On the Left!! Good Travis ; )

Matt-Man: Mystical Quarterback

My computer problems have been rectified and the dude that helped me get the Vista problem corrected was quite helpful. From the time I called Friday evening to the time the problem was fixed took only 20-25 minutes. So thanks.

I would like to thank those who took the time to answer the poll question as to what my nickname was on the Intramural flag football team. While the vast majority opted for “Crazy Legs”, the correct answer is “Puck”. That’s right, and no, not because I like hockey, which I don’t. It is because I remind people of the playful King of the Wood Fairies. And although there is nothing wrong with being a fairy, I prefer to be called a mischievous “Woodland Sprite.”

Yes, as Puck I played quarterback and led our team to the worst record in the league. We lost every game and more often than not, failed to even score. It wasn’t because we didn’t have the best nicknames though. We had “Anvil Head”, “Small-a-High Bigelow”, “Joe Hair Care”, and of course myself, Puck, just to name a few. We excelled at mediocrity and our lack of athleticism grew to become legendary across the campus of Bowling Green State University. I miss those days. I miss the glory.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and I will see you soon. Until we meet again, Cheers!!

We're Havin' Church!!

Well I have been busy screwing around with my new stuff and haven’t been reading all of my blog friends. I will be spending today doing just that so please bear with me. The new digital camera has been so much fun. I can’t tell you how many times Schmoop has flipped me off already for taking spontaneous shots of her!! It’s surprising that her middle finger hasn’t snapped off by now.

I am looking forward to this weekend and my first Wild Irish Rose induced post. I am thinking that perhaps on Friday evenings I could put up Stream of Drunkenness Friday Night… Just me, you, my computer, and a couple of fifths of bagwine. Sounds like a great combination to me. What say you?

Sunday mornings I could wake up with a hangover and hold church services for the blogosphere…In the name of the red, the white, and the fruit with ginseng, Amen. The bottom line is, my gift to you is more of me. And isn’t that what we all really want? Of course it is…

Well my buddy Mo of It’s A Blog Eat Blog World, has sent me some questions to publicly respond to so I will post that later. For now I am off to catch up on some blog reading and enjoy my new Hard Drive. Until then, Cheers!!

President Bush Spins His Web

President Bush and I had a relatively calm evening, but there were a few interesting moments. He started things off with a big surprise. At 5:30 p.m. the phone rang and it was Dubya. He said, Yo Matt-Man, I’ll be down in two shakes.” And then he hung up. I was wondering what he meant by he’d be “down”. I then turned around and saw some dude in a Spider-Man suit hanging by a rope outside of my window. The guy started waving and then said, “Pull me in amigo before I put you in a web of mass destruction, hehehehe.” It was Dubya. I opened the window, pulled him in, and got the rope off of him. “Ooooooweeeeee that was fun. Now get me a beer Matt-Man, I’m starved!!”

When I came back with his beer, he was still in his suit climbing on the furniture and dancing around with moves that appeared to be a cross between a novice ninja on crack and Napoleon Dynamite’s Happy Hands Club skills. I gave him his beer and he proceeded to drink it but it ran all down his face and chest. I told him that he might want to take off his Spidey mask before his next beer. He replied, “Good tip Matt-Man. You’re one smart varmint.” I then asked him what was up with the Spider-Man suit, and the conversation went like this…

Matt: George, why do you have a Spider-Man suit on?

Dubya: Because it’s tress chick and I admire Peter Piper.

Matt: Peter Piper?

Dubya: C’mon Matt-Man, Peter Piper!! You know, Spider-Man’s ultra ego. Sheesh.

Matt: Spidey’s alter ego is Peter PARKER.

Dubya: No shit? Then who the hell is Peter Piper?

Matt: Peter Piper picks pickled peppers.

Dubya: Ahhhh migrant worker…funny name fer a Meh-hee-can…

Matt: Dubya he’s a…

Dubya: …tell him not to worry Matt-Man, he’s welcome in our country as long as I’m the Gringo-in-Chief , baby….Boo Yah!! Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can…

After the paralyzing disbelief removed itself from my face I went into the kitchen and fetched President Spidey another beer, and poured myself a HUGE glass of Wild Irish Rose. Oh there’s more to our night out, but those details will have to wait until later today.

Until this afternoon, Cheers!!