Ladies and Gentlemen, Bagwine Ruminations has a wonderful Thanksgiving treat for you all. We scored an interview with a talking turkey, and what follows is the transcript, enjoy…Matt: Good Afternoon sir, may I call you Tom?
Bill: If you’d like, but my name is Bill. Why do you morons always refer to us as “Tom”?
Matt: I guess it is just a tradition, and…
Bill: Well listen jackass, I have known many turkeys over my lifetime, and have met only one bird named Tom. He ended up being dinner for the Smith family of Englewood, Ohio in 2001.
Matt: Well yes, sorry. How does it feel, Bill, to be such an icon of Americana?
Bill: Oh I don’t know; imagine how it would feel if you had every bit of facial, chest, and pubic hair plucked from your flesh. And then had your neck detached from your body with a rusty axe…That would feel great, wouldn’t it, you ass clown?
Matt: Surely, there must be some sense of pride on your part knowing that a well cooked turkey dinner brings millions of families together every year…
Bill: Oh yeah, happy happy joy joy. Nothing says pride like laying there naked as some blue haired lady shoves celery, bread crumbs, an onion, and oysters up your ass. Oh indeed, I am overflowing with pride.
Matt: But..er…
Bill: Oh hell, what am I saying, you probably would like that you sick bastard…Jeez.
Matt: I thought that maybe…
Bill: Oh and then there is that whole being thrown into a hot oven and being cooked. And of course drunk, crazy Uncle Harry is saying stupid shit like, “Don’t worry little birdie, It’s a dry heat…”
Matt: Well, I guess that is a bit…um…
Bill: Of course to top the whole “prideful” event off, I get to be eaten. Yee Haa, what a great day to be a turkey. I get to be gnawed on by Grandpa’s dentures and then slide down his gullet as bile and acid burn my flesh. Oh yeah Matt-Man, Happy Fricking Thanksgiving to me.
Matt: I am truly sorry Bill. I guess I didn’t realize how it was to walk in your um…shoes.
Bill: Oh hell Matt-Man-Man, I’m sorry that I took all of this out on you. In fact let me leave you with a joke.
Matt: Hit me, Bill.
Bill: What’s the difference between a Democrat turkey and a Republican turkey?
Matt: Ha, I don’t know. What?
Bill: A Democrat turkey goes, “Gobble, Gobble” and a Republican turkey says, “Goebbels, Goebbels…” HAHAHAHAHA
Matt: HAHAHAHAHAHA, Thanks for your time Bill, and to you and my readers…Cheers.
And Now, Our Moment of Heretical Hypocrisy…
“I'd be a fool to be in this for the money.”
--Benny Hinn
“According to documents provided to the newspaper by a watchdog group, the inquiry into the ministry began a year ago and the IRS has asked for dozens of detailed answers. The Trinity Foundation has investigated Hinn for more than a decade. Hinn ministry responses to IRS questions and a purported salary list for ministry officials are among documents that Trinity members said they salvaged from trash bins outside Hinn-related offices. The salary document lists Hinn as CEO and his annual earnings as $1.325 million.”
07/06/2005 the Denton Record Chronicle
21 comments:
one point three two five MILLION
that's a lotta turkey!
someone's a "fool" alright, and you know it ain't your boy Benny.
maybe someone should try shoving some celery and onions up his ---
oh, nevermind
great interview
gobble gobble gobble
Thanks Mo, but I think Benny would like it too much.
How strange it must be to be in a room alone with a brain like yours...
Just sittin here thinkin' about what a scam the Dewey Decimal system is...
Did you know that the Dewey Decimal system was invented by a memeber of the Masons? Explains a lot doesn't it!
Now Matt-Man, everyone knows turkeys don't talk. I think you're pulling our leg here.
Boy, everyone knows that Matt-man is much more of a breast guy than a leg guy, but I'm sure he's pulling lots of anatomical parts this week.
Haha! The turkeys I've met are an insult to wise birds like Tom...er, Bill.
Boy, that does explain alot. Evil Dewey the Mason, hmmmm. May Benny Hinn stike me dead if I wasnt talking to a turkey yesterday.
Indeed Mo, I love a nice breast. And please refrain from commenting on my mastrubation practices.
Bill is a wise bird Lizza. On the farm on which he was raised, he studied under Dolly the Llama.
I know what it's like to have hair plucked, but i've never had celery shoved.....omg! lol....
Peace
Hope you're feeling better, or was this interview a result of too much of that Wild Turkey????
I feel suprisingly well thanks. No ma'am I was completely sober when I conducted this interview...no, really.
I think Bill's sense of humor is a bit dry. He could use a bath in a nice brine...
Every hair ripped out from every body part? Am I a turkey and didn't know it?
As for Horrible Hinn..what goes around, comes around. Yup - it does. Just you wait Mr H - you'll get yours.
Oh yeah - I have a very good friend whose nickname is Darling Llama...
Allie, dont you think Bill has suffered enough, why do you want to rub salt into the wound.
Hiya Wendz, you are far from being a turkey, and one question, if your friend Darling Llama orders a hot dog, does she say to the vendor, "Make me One With Everything?"
I have a suspicion there's a joke in there that I am not getting.
Ha...yes. Dalai Lama, spiritual, wants to be one with everything (in the world)...
As a Buddhist, I am very much appreciative of that joke. LOL And lucky for you, the Dalai Lama does eat meat, so the joke really does work! :)
Well that's how she got the nickname..from the Dalai Llama..actually we call her DL.
But not being a Buddhist myself, I had no idea about the 'being one with eveything' line.
You learn something new everyday, eh!
Go figure.
Actually I'm going to bed.
Nitey!
"Nothing says pride like laying there naked as some blue haired lady shoves celery, bread crumbs, an onion, and oysters up your ass. Oh indeed, I am overflowing with pride."
OMG... blue hair... poor old Bill =)
It's all about you Allie...
Hope your dreams are sweet Wendz.
Sanni, have you never seen a woman who instead of going gray went blue? My ninth grade Science teacher was like that...Eerily fascinating.
Yes, of course... every 3rd German granny colors her hair like this to cover theeir grey "fluff". They look a bit like Dame Edna, but a little less purple.
As ugly as sin... so stick your celery wherever... but please: NO BLUE HAIR
Ooops, did I say that loud???
HAHA....Yes, you did. Prost!!
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