Streaming Friday !!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiday. Rap trap clicky clack and Boo Yah to you all.

Fun thing I did last night…I was watching the Trinity Broadcasting Network (Paul and Jan Crouch) and they were having their “Praise-a-Thon”. They were asking people to phone in a pledge, so I called the toll free number and asked some young chick if there were different levels of salvation. She asked me what I meant. I said, “Will I be saved more if I send $1,000.00 as opposed to $100.00? She said, “I can’t see the show from where I am at, so I don’t know what to say.” After messing with her for another minute or two I hung up and laughed….The number I dialed was 888-731-1000. I am not recommending that you do the same…wink wink, nod nod.

I just realized that Pay-Per-View (PPV) is only one letter removed from the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), so be very careful when ordering that next big cable TV event. It would be great to have Cosmo Kramer as a neighbor. My son doesn’t have school today, the lucky bastard.

I ate the final six olives from a jar last night. I also drank the juice. Now, my friend Gouda Girl, says that olives are Satan’s dingleberries. Following that logic, I not only ate the Devil’s residual crap, I also drank his urine!! Verdict: Deeee-Lish…!!

These pretzels are making me thirsty…classic line. I had a dream last night that a huge chicken was beating the hell out of me with an olive branch. How Tolstoyish is that? I miss Phil Hartman. Where the hell did I put my smokes? Ooooooo, flippin’ sweet!!

And Now, “In the Know with Haircare Joe”…

Dear Haircare Joe:

I am a junior at an unfamiliar High School. Our family moved over the summer from Scranton, PA. to Provo, UT. It is very hard to make new friends at my school, especially since I have only this year and next. Do you have any ideas on to how to make friends quickly?

Thanks,

Arch Keystone
Provo, Utah

Dear Arch,

High School can be very difficult. When that special time in my life approached, I knew how lucky and blessed I was because of bowling. I was the "Natural" with my golden locks and large forearm. (Popeye had nothing on me) Seeing you are from Scranton, home to Professional Bowler Joe Hutchinson, it should be easy for you to work on enjoying the taste of flat draft beer and concurrently eliminate all vitamin intake to allow your hair and teeth to disintegrate. The daily intake of grilled cheese and smoking will only reinforce your identity in your new home.

Good luck and take care.

PS - Sign up for life insurance NOW

Haircare Joe is fourth cousin, twice removed to David Hasslehoff, and owns “Dude You’re Rude”, a chain of charm schools for young men, located throughout the southeastern United States.

Happy Veterans Day…Remember, just as people say, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” One can, “hate the war and not the warrior."

Have a great weekend, spend it with someone you love in a Chinese Basket. See ya all Monday. Cheers… OUCH, what the hell?