Trinity Broadcasting Network: Where G.O.D. Comes C.O.D

A couple named Paul and Jan Crouch
Speak to Christians who sit on a couch
They appear on TV
Begging you to sow seed
If you don’t, you’re a God hating slouch…

--Matt-Man

And Now an Open Letter to the Fine Folks at TBN:


Dear Paul and Jan Crouch, Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, and All of the TBN family:

I have been watching your fantastic and Holy Ghost filled “Praise-A-Thon” for the last few evenings, and I gotta tell ya, I wouldn’t want to be standing near any of you in the near future. You see, lightning and I don’t get along. Of course, I have never believed anything you bottom line prophets have uttered, but now it has become a personal mission of mine to illuminate your wickedness, yet at the same time, praise you for your unsurpassed comedic talents.

Paul, let me tell ya pal, you are one slick salesman. I hate to bring this up because I know that you are ill, but dude some of things you say to get to folks who are down on their luck, or sweet blue haired ladies to send you some cash are grating like fingernails across a chalkboard into God’s ears. I mean c’mon, what’s up with this statement:

“if you have been healed or saved or blessed through TBN and have not contributed to (the) station, you are robbing God and will lose your reward in heaven.” (Praise the Lord, TBN August 4, 1997)

Hey, I understand that you live in a house the size of ancient Babylon, and you enjoy sitting in your gazebo having cocktails and snacks with your holy homies, and that cost money. But, do you really need to threaten sweet old Aunt Bessie with eternal damnation to fund your hedonistic lifestyle? Did Jesus ask for 50 shekels when he cured a leper, or begat sight to the blind? Of course, not.

Hell, you already got more bling than Flavor-Flav. You could get a nice gold grill for your teeth, a big ol’ platinum crucifix around your neck, and make an honest living as a rapper. I can see it now, “Grandmaster P and His South Central Apostles”. Damn, that’s fly. “You know G-O-D? Yeah, you know me”…Think about it.

Paul it’s time for you to step up to the plate, the collection plate that is, refund your flock, and hope God will forgive you. As you your previous statement indicates, forgiveness isn’t free.

Jan baby, I hate to attack you with shallow and superficial comments, because judging by the “sparsely” decorated TBN set, I know how much you must hate that kind of thing. I must ask though, what’s with the pink hair and the charcoal-based eyeliner? Didn’t we learn anything from Tammy Faye Baker? In a word of kindness, however; I do hope your dogs are enjoying their new Olympic sized backyard. Fetch Boy!!

Y’know, you two chuckleheads could really do with a little advice from the Oompa Loompas: “If you’re not greedy you will go far, you will live in happiness too... like the oompa.... loompa.... doompity do.” So let it be Wonka-ed, so let it be done.

I think all of my readers, if so inclined, should call TBN and let the two of you know that you should start saving souls, rather than charging them, because that is the Godly thing to do. And readers, if you don’t believe in God, you might want to call them anyway, because it’s the fun thing to do. Can I get an AMEN!?

No Charge,

Matt-Man

Far from over, the next installment will include Rod Parsley and others, as well as, the One and only…Benny “I saw Jesus walk into my bedroom.” Hinn.

Until Then, Cheers…