Bagwine Greatest Hits

One of my favorite memories from Bagwine past is, of course, the infamous dinnerparty. For those of you who weren't there, this raucous event catapulted Matt-Man's fame into the stratosphere. But while success was a delicious treat and the fans had an insatiable appetite for this up-and-comer, behind the blog things were falling apart. Several women came forward with illegitmate children and demands for child support. Another one had a horrific case of herpes and claimed Matt-Man was responsible. Through all the tragedy, however, Matt-Man remained as prolific as ever. And here is the first installment of this triumphant series entitled: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Enjoy.

I would like to have a dinner party this weekend. But not just ANY dinner party, no sirree. I would like to invite people of interest over. People from the past and present to join me in a well served feast and scintillating conversation. If I could have any four people over, who would I like to invite?

Well, I would certainly want to have Jesus Christ at my table. I mean c’mon, how can you NOT invite the Son of God? So many questions to ask him. Like, what does a leper really look like? Tell the truth, you wanted to kick Judas’ ass didn’t ya? Did Mary Magdalene prefer to be on top? And just think, if I play my cards right and impress him, I stand the chance of him turning my kitchen faucet into a perpetual Wild Irish Rose dispenser.

Peace and love are all well and good, but we need some edginess too. Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, and Ivan the Terrible are all excellent choices, but I think that they lack the humor and sensibilities that I want. So I think I’ll opt for a man that is known to be a bit more of a prankster, Joe Stalin.

Despite what you may THINK you know of him, he was a warm and funny man. He plucked the feathers off of a live bird while laying on his death bed in order to demonstrate leadership to two potential successors. So nice. And when WWII ended, millions of Russians who had been interned by the Germans, gleefully returned home. Taking irony to its ultimate hilarious extent, Stalin considered them traitors and had them killed or sent to Siberia. He even invented the word, “gulag”…ha ha ha, that’s a funny word. Uncle Joe, have a seat my friend.

I’ll have a nice vase of flowers on the table, but the setting wouldn’t be the same without an attractive woman in the mix. Cleopatra?...nothing but a royal whore. Joan of Arc?...pffft she isn’t as hot as she thinks. Marie Curie?...please, I’m not one who can be blinded by science. I want a young curvy Italian beauty. “Gina Lollobrigida, benvenuto, il mio amore.”

Yes, the lovely Gina circa 1955 gorgeous, hot, sexy, and well…I mean…I’m sure she’s smart too. I’ll make certain to sit across from her and constantly drop my fork under the table.

Lastly, since none of these guests are Americans, it would be only fitting to have President Bush present to help me welcome them to my table and our country. Plus I am sure that GW would have a great time. He could talk to Jesus and ask him if his administration’s plan for the apocalypse was going according to scripture. Dubya and Stalin could trade war stories, and tell jokes about civil liberties. By the end of the evening, George would “know his soul”.

Upon introducing Dubya to Ms. Lollobrigida, he would, of course mangle her name, “Mizz Lollo…Lobrigda..er..Labia…Gina? Gina is it? Wow, you’re pretty hot for a dago.” He would keep the dinner conversation at the table going smoothly. Saying things like, “Yo, Hay-Zoos, be the savior of this dry roll and pass me the butter, would ya?” Or, “Hey, Jo-Jo what say you and I go to Moscow and show your boy Putin how to REALLY kick some ass, we’ll take Guy-Na here along with us for kicks. Hey Matt-Man, chop chop, I only have a drop of Rose left in my glass, for Chrissakes!! Sorry, Hay-Zoos.”

Ahhhhh, what fun it will be. If I am going to pull this off by the weekend, I better start planning. I think I’ll be posting party game ideas, music selections, and menu ideas throughout the rest of the week. If you have any ideas please pass them on, and sometime on Friday, you’ll know what the game plan is. Cheers.

And Now…Our Moment of Hinn

Ladies and Gents, George W. Bush:

“I, I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.”

--George W. Bush