I have in the past, offered my readers advice through my “Ask the Bag Man” segments. With Christmas, Hanukkah, and other celebrations fast approaching, my good will and love are oozing out of me like the pus of 16 year old’s pimple…a veritable waterfall of joy cascading from my soul. Today, I am offering you a chance to make your Holiday wishes come true.Some people think that Santa Claus doesn’t exist or perhaps there is only one. Those people are morons. There does exist a man whose name is Bagwine Kringle. He’s real. He’s here, and he’s on a mission.
Bagwine Kringle lives here in the west end in an abandoned crack house next to Doc’s Drive-Thru. He is an unassuming man, who delights in putting smiles upon the masses. He needs no Reindeer for transportation, because he can get higher than a kite all on his own. His nose is as red as a tomato, and his smile, although lacking teeth, is as genuine as they come. Oh sure, his suit may be tattered, and his beard may contains bits of food, and the stench of cat urine, but he is the real deal, and he wants to know what you’d like for the Holidays.
Between now and December 20th, you can e-mail Mr. Kringle by using my address link on the left sidebar. Let him know what you’d like and if you have been naughty or nice. He will respond to your request on this site as quickly as possible. Also, those of you who participate will be e-mailed a personalized certificate of appreciation from Bagwine Ruminations that is suitable for framing. Please provide your religious preference so I can make the certificate as personal, rude, and stereotypical as possible.
Rest assured, Bagwine Ruminations or Mr. Kringle will not discriminate against any religious affiliation. Catholic, Protestant, Jew, and all others are encouraged to write. Hell, even you renegade Romans can ask for your Sol Invictus wish. We here at BR love everyone and want to see your special wish fulfilled.
So belly up to the bar, as it were, and place your order now. Bagwine Kringle is itching to fill your Holiday prescription. Cheers…
35 comments:
Kris Kris Kringle with a jingle and a merry nose parties with Flavor Flav.....and parties like Lindsay Lohan
Does he do Festivus as well? Because an airing of grievances may be in order here.
Bagwine Kringle is the hippest cat around.
Adav, yes he does Festivus as well, but you have to catch him early in the day for the Feats of Strength.
Great picture btw. I may have to use it for my xmas cards.
It captures the essence of a man working hard for the nice people of the world. He is tireless and giving to a fault.
It also appears that Kris likes to show is privates ala Lindsey and Britney.
He's quite the looker!!
Now that picture explains why he never made it to Argentina and to my house to drop off presents when I was a kid. It wasn't that I am half jewish and that my parents hate religion...it was the damn alcohol. Who knew Santa was Irish after all?
-N
yowsa
that picture is really decking the halls
I've got to wait for the coffee to kick in before I write a letter to that Santa.
Hell, I may even need a shot of something in it before I can ask that dude for anything...
ho ho ho
mo
Aisby: Yes Mr. Kringle does enjoy going commando once in awhile. And you are correct, the crack whores find him extremely HOT.
Nat: First of all welcome back from the Emerald Isle. I'll have to check as to why he missed you. And as far as you implying that people of Irish descent are a drunken people...I represent that remark. Maybe his real name is Sant O'Claus....
Hey ya Mo...At least he had the decency to take off the misleltoe that he had strung around his waist.
I'm going to ponder a long time to come up with something I want from this guy!
Peace
I wouldn't ask THAT Santa for anything - hell he'd probably give me syphilis just by looking at him. I wonder if the size of his Santa cap is indicative of the size of his 'bits and bobs'..scary thought.
Ha. Odat he can fill any wish or desire that you may have. He's a Magic Man, our Bagwine Kringle.
Wendz: If you just made a trip around the world fulfilling everyone's wish you'd be a bit worn out as well. He was just having a nip after a circumnavigation of the globe.
You were WAY too congenial in this post... I'm suspicious... Grandpa, what big teeth you have!
The suspicion that you have for me cuts me to the quick. I am merely offering a forum through which all of my readers can glean their Holiday wishes. Is that so wrong? I feel sorry for you if you feel that my motives are anything but. Christmas comes but once a year, my friend, and the Matt-Man’s love is at its zenith. Open your heart, bare your soul, see the light.
LMAO... now I am REALLY suspicious.
Much like it seems that your suspicion knows no bounds, the love I have for my fellow earth dwellers is no less.
Matt-Man...your comments take me to a time when beatniks crowded smoky bars spilling stories and stale beer
Joe, my heart is but a touchstone for the ensuing shower of manna which will fall from the sky, feeding all who believe, with joy and compassion over the coming weeks.
Add nausea to the suspicion.
Your sourness cannot and will not pucker up my holiday outlook.
Allie: both Christmas & Matt-man only come once a year. Give the boy some benefit of the doubt 'bout his intentions!
Y'know folks...I am not feelin' any reciprocal Seasonal Love here. I do however, appreciate your Christmas wish for me Mo, and will post it soon.
LOL- Touche, Mo. Maybe Matt is being so nice because he is lookin to get laid.
You know me better than that Allie. That sounds nothing like me.
Matt-Man,
The last time you got laid your woman was so old that when you played peak a boo, it gave her a heart attack.
I will be here all week..tip your wait staff
Maybe so but she was really something before electricity....I get no respect.
Just a bit undone that old chap is there.
YAY! Hopefully this is not YOU *bwahahahahaaaa* - otherwise my compassion for "the boys" would disappear in a split second =)
Oh goodie.. I'll have to work on my requests! Is there a deadline for this>> lol [well other than Christmas eve]
You should get an award for thinking about the well-being of your fellow humans.
This badass Santa grants wishes--whether you've been naughty or nice? Methinks he's been smoking too much crack.
Now now children, lets not deride St Nick of the holy bottle. I'm sure that incident of leaving coal with all the good children last year was a simple accident. I never did hear what he left the naughty ones.
C: Yes, the poor bloke was a bit tired from his world travels...Cheers
Cheesy: I am sure that you have been a good girl. Mr. Kringle has your request and I am sure he will add a few things to your list ; )
Lizza: I appreciate your notice of my selflessness your stocking will be full. FYI, BK is more of a meth man.
Boy: Last year was a bit of a mix up. The good ones got coal and the bad little kiddies received Sony Playstation 3s. And they werent even on the market yet!!
Oh and Sanni, no that's Bagwine Kris, not me, whatever you do please continue your concern for my boys. ; )
That is the greatest Santa picture I have ever seen.
We should spread some holiday cheer by printing it out and posting it around elementary schools and day care centers.
You rock.
HA...That's a good idea Janna. Your twistedness enthralls me.
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