Bagwine's Greatest Hits: Part 3 of The Dinner Party

I realized just now that I forgot yesterday to provide the tantalizingly hilarious third part of the Matt's dinner party gone horribly horribly funny. And then I realized that I didn't really "forget." Matt's check to me for my services rendered this week didn't clear. His checks bounce so much, actually, that he writes them on condoms now. Let that be a warning...

This installment of The Dinner Party provides you readers with the extensive menu. It is also my personal favorite..

I have everything well in place for tomorrow night’s soiree. I’ve got all the essential party supplies and entertainment picked out and ready to go. My playing cards, poker chips, and Pictionary game have been set out. The sound system is cleaned and ready to blast some tunes after dinner.

I didn’t want to be too structured because I want the party to just kinda flow. I did; however, want to select some nice music for when they arrive, through the cocktail hour, and during dinner. Nothing too rock ‘n’ roll and something familiar on an international level. Van Cliburn, Yo Yo Ma, and Yanni all came to mind, but I ended up selecting the melodic instrumental musings of a true genius. My guests will be entertained by the recordings of “Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute”. After dinner I’ll put some rock on and get jiggy with it.

I went to the Grocery and the Liquor store yesterday. Boy did I go all out. I bought bottles of Jack, Stoly, Crown Royal, Beefeaters, Bacardis, assorted mixers, beer, some Chianti, and of course, Wild Irish Rose. Dubya offered to bartend for some reason. I just hope he doesn’t ask Christ if he wants a Bloody Mary or a Virgin Margarita.

I secured all of the groceries for the feast that I have planned. The carefully prepared eats will result in a salacious orgy of oral sensation, trust me on that.

Appetizers for the Cocktail Hour have been named for each member of the party. I want to make certain that each person feels as though he or she is the guest of honor.

In honor of Stalin, I am serving potato skins loaded with cheese, bacon, and sour cream with a Vienna Sausage on top. I call it: “The Little Dictator”

I want to make sure that the Almighty has something kosher to nosh on, so I have set aside a table with a plate full of empty knishes. They wont stay empty long however; because I am setting up a platter full of fish, mushrooms, cheese, pastrami, corned beef, and other items to personalize each knish. I call it: “The Cruci-Fixins Bar”

If JC has too many of those goodies, he’ll have to work those newly found calories off by doing a couple of sessions of Pontius Pilates!! But I digress.

For the lovely Ms. Lollobrigida how about something light, a fun little finger sandwich using Watercress, Oil, and Pimentos. I call it: “The WOP”

I think Gina is getting a bit slighted on her hors d’oeuvre, but she shouldn’t worry, because she will be the belle of the ball come dessert time. Why, you ask? Well, because I am serving rich and creamy “Chocolate Mussolini”.

Lastly, our beloved leader, President Bush, what could I possibly come up with to honor him. What says American Happy Hour more than chicken wings? I’ll cook a couple dozen wings and soak them in tongue searing “Dumb Ass Hot Sauce” and “Jack Daniels”. Oh yeah, these are I what I call: “Wings of Mass Destruction”

Knowing Crazy Joe, he’ll eat them up as soon as he gets there and say, “Hey, Bushie, where did all of your WMDs go? HaHaHaHaHa” Don’t fret Mr. President, he will be raving about the “AWOLdorf Salad” that I made in your honor.

That completes the appetizers and some of the dinner items we will be having. For the main meal four of us will be having a turkey leg, mashed potatoes, fruit cup, and dinner rolls. Jesus, however; has relayed to me that he is on the Atkins Diet and would prefer to have a slice of fattened calf, medium rare, with just a schtickle of bitter herb butter.

As I said, after dinner it’s time for games, loud music, and a general state of debauchery. As far as the sleeping arrangements, I’ll let Mother Nature take care of that. This is gonna be one kick ass blow out.

I’ll return Monday with a full report on the highlights and lowlights of the bash. Until then, have a great weekend and Cheers!!

And Now…Our Moment of Hinn

“Benny I wanted to invite you to my party, but Jesus said, “No Way in Hell.””

--Matt-Man