Streaming Friday !!

Great Googly Moogly…Its Stream of Consciousness Friday!!!!!! Trust me this day has not started well at all. The weather sucks and I had a most unsatisfactory bowel movement this morning. I pushed, I strained, my face contorted into a labyrinth of struggle, and all I could muster was a tiny bit of waste. So tiny that it looked like the island of Guam compared to the Pacific Ocean, as it floated in the bowl. I was bummed, for I ask for so little.

I wonder if Pastor Parsley has ever had the following nightmare. He goes around the world healing lepers, and AIDS patients, and doesn’t charge them a dime…I bet he would awake in a cold sweat over that one. I should have become a gynecologist. I think I’ll have a tuna salad sandwich for lunch, why is that? I tried to post to Lizza’s site yesterday but the word verification was a red “x”. Sorry Lizza, it was a good post you had too. Oh and by the way folks, at least she contacted Pastor Rod for me.

I really should make a habit of covering my mouth when I cough. My computer screen looks as though Linda Blair has thrown up all over it. So let it be written, so let it be done. Anne Baxter was smokin’ hot in The Ten Commandments. I would have loved to have shoved my obelisk into her womb tomb. That was kinda rude. My nose itches.

I need a smoke. I better do it before I am unable to smoke in my own home. Bastards. If it comes to that, there also better be a law that says ugly, stupid people can’t make babies. As usual, I am horny and lacking the love makin’. Hell my unit is so unused that a spider has made a web on my crotch and she’s about to give birth; which really sucks because I have not changed my underwear for days, so as not to disturb her.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell. It’s the first day of December. You’re welcome. Great, I am gonna have gas all day because of my limited morning conshittutional. What a bummer. I have a great Peter, Paul and Mary Christmas CD. I think I’ll play it tonight as I chug some Rose. Rap Trap Clicky Clack Bling Bling. Hooray for Harold Lloyd. Seems my mind is constipated as well. If you stop by the Bagwine pad this weekend, just come on in, take off your skin, and rattle around in your bones. Word.

And Now, “In the Know with Haircare Joe”

Dear Haircare Joe,

The holidays are coming up and I, quite frankly, am confused. Should I say "Happy Holidays" or listen to Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson and say, "Merry Christmas"? I mean is there really a war on Christmas, and if so, who is winning? Is there any way that I can help? Please try to straighten things out for me, I'm confused.

Merry Holidays,
Patty Melt
Sandusky, Ohio

Ms Melt,

A perplexing question you pose. While America was founded upon Christian ideals, the true motive for colonization is freedom; freedom of religion, freedom of thought, and freedom to make money off of carcinogenic tobacco products harvested by slaves. So with your freedom comes the responsibility to act in an honorable fashion when expressing holiday cheer. There is a war, but it stems from the Government listening to our thoughts via cell phones. Continued use of which will shrink my testicles which the ladies do not want. You sound cute. I like sandwiches. Do you swing?

Happy Festivus,
Haircare Joe

Haircare Joe is an idiot savant who communicates through a series of obscene hand gestures, and runs a homeless shelter for wayward cockroaches in Muncie, Indiana.

Please folks, Pastor Parsley’s Healing broadcast is just three days away…Send your prayer request to him asking that he help the Matt-Man be saved. You can contact his ministry right HERE.

Have a good weekend. Spend it making love in a puddle of spaghetti sauce on your kitchen floor. See ya all on Monday.
Cheers…