Monday, January 29, 2007

MMF: Matt-Man's Foibles

Do you have any strange or unusual habits?...Any odd likes or dislikes? I sure as hell do. Ninety-Five percent of the time I sleep on my back, and rarely move through the night. I have a pillow under the back of my knees and keep a throw pillow on my crotch. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I keep it there as a form of protection. Just in case a robber breaks in and wants to hit me in the nuts with a baseball bat, or Corky jumps on me, or if aliens (oh, they exist) are in the area and want to perform some kind of twisted experiment on my reproductive parts. I like the protection that the cotton and foam padding provide.

My legs are either straight out or in the “four position”. That position is when my right leg bends inward against my left knee, forming the number 4. Of course from my perspective it looks like a “flat” notation on a piece of sheet music. Interesting, eh? I also lay on the couch in the same way every time. I lay on my right side with the TV remote in my right hand and a pillow between my legs. I don’t know why, but it is just a habit of mine. Call me crazy, but that’s what I do.

I used to bite my fingernails, but willpower and a rapidly declining dental situation have pretty much broken me of that habit. I make up musical riffs that make no sense and annoy those around me. Little snippets such as Yaga Boo Yaga Boo, Yaga Yag Boo!! If you were to hear me sing it loudly, you too, would agree that it sounds like something that would fit nicely into the soundtrack of the movie, “The Ten Commandments.” Or if you heard it in the way Schmoop does, you would tell me to “Shut the F@#K up, you freak!!”

I like to cook. One thing though, if there are dirty dishes in the sink, I have to wash them before I start making whatever it is that I want to make. Even if it is just a glass or two, I feel compelled to clean them first…Odd. I get more of a buzz when I am drinking if I sit at the table than I do if I lay on the couch. What’s up with that? One of my favorite sandwiches to eat is Bologna on white with Cottage Cheese and Cheetos on it…Some find that strange, I find it Dee-Lish.

Some folks find it funny, but some find the following very annoying. I sing pretty well, but many times I have a tendency to not know the correct lyrics. Does that stop me from singing? Of course not…”Take a letter Maria, address it to yourself…” That one sends Schmoop through the roof.

I like to talk in acronyms…There are several that I used to use during my bar days. Women were placed into categories based upon their appearance. I used WCBH for Wide Child Bearing Hips…HBTF for Highly Boneable Titty-F@#k, and of course the dreaded NPL, or Noticeable Panty Line. I labeled many chicks as PD, or Petry Dish. However the vast majority I had to label IGNCIH: I’ve Got No Chance in Hell. Yes folks, I was shallower then than I am today believe or not. I still use them. Just the other day we had FSWMV…Fried SPAM with Melted Velveeta, and of course I washed it down with some WIR. I find that this type of speech saves time.

I still call one of my brothers every Thursday. What’s so weird about that you ask? Nothing…other than the fact that he’s been dead for two years. Kidding, of course. And that is definitely one of my habits, joking around. Sometimes it’s hard because of life’s unkind detours, but it is indeed a habit I never want to break. If you have some strange habits or likes let me know, because the diversity of fellow human beings is what makes this journey enjoyable…


Cheers!!

21 comments:

jillie said...

That sandwich just sounds REALLY gross...

Ummm a little OCD?

I too am the same way about the dishes in the sink. I need a CLEAN kitchen to start with and I can't leave the dishes lay around while I am cooking.

As for the drinking...I get buzzed no matter what position I'm in...lol

I have plenty of more weird habits but I don't want to take away your thunder LMAO
;o)

Anonymous said...

What about TF? Titty F&$%!

I swimming with bow legged woman

Schmoop said...

Hi Jillie...Glad to see that you made it back safely. Au contraire, the sandwich is magnifique!! And yes there is some OCD going on in my head. Just ask the kitchen cabinet drawer I check to see if it is closed all of the way!!

Schmoop said...

It's on there Joe...Pay attention mister!!

Natalia said...

I move a lot when I sleep. I also have about 6 pillows and it's just me. And I use sating sheets, so sometimes the pillows slide off and I wae up to pick them up. And as far as Peter says, I somtimes lurch up in the middle of th enight, with my arm stretched out a la Superman trying to fly. So, no, I don't find your over-the-crotch pillow odd.

:)

-N

Schmoop said...

LOL...Just dont go out sleep walking and change your clothes in a phone booth Nat!!

Unknown said...

I´m with you on the sandwich! I love Cheetos on sandwiches... as long as the sandwich does not contain any kind of marmelade =)

I have to eat one now...

have a great day,

San, HBTF

Schmoop said...

LOL...I knew I wasnt the only one Sanni...HBTF!? I think I'm in love!!

Janna said...

Bologna on white with Cottage Cheese and Cheetos on it…

Eeeew. OMG.
I was about to tell you you need professional help, but then I realized I'm the freak who likes macaroni mixed with tabasco sauce and parmesan cheese.

So I guess we're even. :)

y.Wendy.y said...

Salt and vinegar crisps on soft white bread. Lots of butter. Yum.

Oh and I empty a new tissue box, fold all the tissues into squares amd put them into one of my vintage tins. Hate pulling tissues out of a box..the feeling gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Anonymous said...

I sleep with a silk nightgown in my hand.I started holding it when my mom got sick two years ago. I had to let go of my mommy, but I still have my silkie.

Matt, could you be anymore superficial?

How would the ladies label you?

You know I really hate it when men, especially unattractive ones, have the nerve to nit pick their women! Thankfully my husband has never done that to me!

Schmoop said...

Janna the Mac and Cheese concoction sounds wonderful!!

Wendz, I love Salt and Vinegar chips, but the tissue thing is kinda odd...But coming from me, that may make it a good thing in actuality.

Hiya Jess...I think I summed it up how women would label me, when I said that I had to label most of them as being IGNCINH: "I've got no chance in hell" meaning I have no chance with them!! Then again I was a crass 19-22 year old back then.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

OK, we all have weird eating habits, don't we. i will grab a banana and a jar of smooth peanut butter and cover the banana with the peanut butter..yummm.. but can not eat it on bread like some.

The leg in the shape of a 4??? and the pillow on the crotch... hummmmm

Schmoop said...

Obviously 4 is not my lucky number because it never seems to help my sex life. Cheers!!

RW said...

I like to sleep on the couch with the TV on, I face the couch and throw my right leg up and on top of it and my right arm over it I just love that couch lol MILF is one of my favorites for nick names

Desert Songbird said...

You're scaring me more and more, Matt. I, too, sleep on my back with the leg in the "4" position. Usually I have my hands up under my pillow as well.

I like the pillow between my knees when I'm on my side - holdover from my pregnancy days....

Can't wait to see the head shaving photos!

Odat said...

Hmmm...well I sleep with a pillow under my feet....seems to help my aching back....I love cream cheese and olive sandwiches on white bread...and I wash the dishes too before I start cooking! However, I will not get into how I label men! ;-)
(OH and i wish i COULD SING, but I do it anyway. hehe)
Peace

Liz Hill said...

I have the same thing about cooking. The kitchen has got to be clean. I can be messy anywhere else in the house--well I can be messy in the kitchen too but then it gets cleaned up as I go.

My weird sammich growing up was white bread, tuna fish, parmesan cheese (that weird Kraft stuff in the green container) barbecue sauce and bread and butter pickles. Yum OH

I can sing quite well but the DH gets pissy because I sing with EVERY song that comes on the radio. And I'm with Schmoop on the lyrics thing. ;)

And Matty--I don't think you could stop seeing the world with humor if you tried. And DON"T! LOL

Smooch

Schmoop said...

Roger: I sleep on the couch often for various reasons!!

Songbird: This is getting creepy...Are yo usure we arent related?

Odat: LOL...At first I thought it said "it helps my ARCHING back", I was excited. The sandwich you describe sounds like a keeper!!

TB: I loooove tuna salad, and I appreciate your faith in my continuing humor. You have more faith than me...Cheers!!

The Boy said...

There was nothing weird in that list until the bologna with cottage cheese and cheetos. Mr Matt, that's just plain strange!

Everything else sounds perfectly normal, thought the fried spam and velveeta is a bit posh for my taste.

Schmoop said...

Hiya Me...You evidently are not a fan of high brow cuisine!! ; )