Say Hi to Schmoop!!

The person that I occasionally refer to here at Bagwine Ruminations as Schmoop, is my roommate, my confidante, and most importantly, my friend. She is also (and I know she will cringe when I let this secret out) an all around good egg. I was fortunate enough, in more ways than one, to cross paths with her some six years ago.

Back then, certain changes in my life were taking place and I needed a place to stay. I had known Schmoop somewhat through her friendship with my sister. Schmoop, who had just come out of a less than perfect relationship herself, offered me a place in her home. It was quickly apparent that we had very much in common. In fact, one Saturday night I was flipping through the TV channels, and out of the blue we came upon a station and simultaneously shouted with glee, “The Red Green Show!!” The die had been cast, and at that point we knew that for better or worse, we were cut from a similar cloth.

Schmoop is a riddle of sorts and has undergone some changes. Face to face with someone that she knows, she loudly cusses like a sailor. Her favorite term being “Dick Twizzling F$#K Nozzle” When speaking on the phone, she has the alluring voice of a phone sex operator (not that I know what that sounds like).

As far as her changing, when I first met her she would have nothing to do with politics…didn’t vote…didn’t care. Now she would go to the polls if it was just a ballot issue involving tightening laws prohibiting public urination. She would vote against it of course. When Bush, Cheney, or any other of those morons come on the TV screen, she either hisses or goes into an expletive filled Tourette Syndrome rage. She is even into international politics, and her favorite figure is Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. When she sees him or hears his name mentioned, she jumps like a cheerleader and shouts, “Mubarak, Mubarak, Mubarak, HEY!!” Odd…but cute.

She does have a propensity for accidents, mishaps, and aches and pains. Her knees will pop out of place once in awhile, and listening to her get out of the bed in the morning is like listening to the shrieks of someone being tortured by the Spanish Inquisition. Her chances of hurting herself while intoxicated double. In fact, some four New Year’s Eve’s ago; I watched her perform a Bud Light fueled dance in the living room. She was getting jiggy with it, shakin’ her money maker, and ultimately crashing into the window. She shattered the inside pane, but unbowed, she cleaned up the mess and returned to her merry making. Such a trooper.

We have much in common. We are both devotees of the old MASH episodes and Seinfeld. We are of the same political bent. We both find Rachel Ray to be Satan’s spawn, and we share an affinity for fried SPAM. We even have very similar likes in music, although there was an unfortunate incident last night. I was watching TV and she was reading. Out of nowhere, Schmoop burst into a rendition of Minnie Ripperton singing “Loving you is easy ‘cause you’re beautiful.” She even tried to hit the high Lalala part. I fell off the couch, and the cat ran into the bedroom and got under the covers. Ah yes, she’s always full of surprises.

Schmoop also says some funny things, and then at times some strange things. For instance, I was going to make some Kool-Aid one day and she told me that the measuring cup in the sugar container was only for half a cup, so I would have to get the one cup measurer out of the drawer. Silly me, and here I was planning to just add two half cups!!

She had an interesting observation this past Christmas, as well. I had bought a DVD player for someone. We were both amazed how small the box was. Schmoop said, “I bet the player itself is even smaller.” Unfortunately I said, “Wouldn’t it have to be?” For which I received the aforementioned retort, “You Dick Twizzling F#@K Nozzle.”

Good Ol’ Schmoop…It wouldn’t be the same without her. No more listening to her having extensive conversations with Corky, no hors d’oeuvres on the weekend, and no jumping out of her way when I stand between her and her Bud Light. Life wouldn’t be nearly as fun. Schmoop and I are like brother and sister. In fact we are so much like brother and sister that in Kentucky, we would make the perfect couple.

I owe more than I can ever repay to Schmoop, and if you enjoy reading my site, you owe her at least a little shout out…because if there were no Schmoop in my life, there would be no Bagwine Ruminations. A clink of the glasses to you Schmoop, you’re the best!!

I hope you join me here tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday, folks….Cheers!!

(Ed. Note: At Schmoop’s request we used of picture of her that is nearly 20 years old. She told us in spite of the fact that she was sporting an 80’s hairdo in this picture, her thighs looked firm and her hooters were where they were supposed to be.)