Confessions of a Neophyte Blogger

Hi Gang.

I have a confession…

I’m no writer.

I keep trying to tell Matt-Man this, but he won’t listen. He wants me to continue this blog while he works on another project.

Me…By Myself.

Personally, I think the mofo is out of his mind.

See, the thing is…Matt is very, very smart. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m smart as well, but that cat is the epitome of smart. He knows and retains things most of us will never know, or care to know.

Matt and his partner in internet radio crime, Jayman, are very similar in this way, although…

Jayman may be smarter, because he didn’t turn his blog over to me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don’t think I am worthy of this responsibility. Some of you may think...

“It’s just a blog…What’s the big deal?”

Well, it’s not just a blog. 

Over 1,900 posts and five plus years, Matt-Man has not only poured out a lot of laughs on here, he has poured out his heart and soul as well.

I know this may sound very lame and dramatic to many of you. I understand, and I am not throwing a pity party, but this truly does concern me.

I’d hate to see Matt-Man’s hard work go down the tubes of the internets because of me.

Sorry for the maudlin mood, but I needed to get that out there. I’ll keep plugging away, but this is way harder than I thought.

Thanks go out to Matt for having the confidence in me that I lack in myself…or something like that.

See all you pretty people tomorrow…

Zoooooves!!

P.S.  Eleven days until Matty Boy's big announcement!!

Tough Love for Dummies

I am a very polite and caring person. Shut up fuckers, I am!! Really!! Well…okay…

I am very polite and caring until someone gives me a reason not to be, um…polite and caring.

Stay with me folks, and allow me to ‘splain, OK?

Say I am cruising down Aisle 3 at the grocery, looking for that ever elusive sale on French Onion soup and some jerk is parked in the middle of the aisle staring at the gay, latest craze, low sodium, no taste soup.

I say…

Excuse me sir/ma'am.” and I get ignored..

I can’t get around them, so I say again…

“Excuse Me!!”

This time I am heard. Oh Praise the Baby Jeebus!!

Okay wait…I guess I wasn’t actually heard in the mental processing sense, it merely elicited a head turn, a glare, and then a 180 back to looking at the cans of low sodium, pussy soup. I ask myself…What Would Jesus Do?

Personally, I don’t fucking care. I shove their damn cart out of the way. See how where I was polite and then I wasn’t? Onward…

Let’s now go get some fuel for the Bagwine Mobile.

I’m at the gas station filling up ye old tank (‘cause Mahone won’t fucking do it for me, the bastard) when what do I hear over the speaker?

“Please turn off your cell phone prior to pumping gas.”

I don’t have a cell phone (product of the Devil, I tell ya.), so I look to my right and there is a woman talking on her phone with the pump stuck up the gasshole of her ginormous SUV.

I think…

Yo Bitch, do you not see the fucking signs? Can you not hear the clerk? Do you not know that Gas + Cell Phone = BOOM!! Fucktard!! 

But does she get off the phone even after the second announcement?

Why no…no, she doesn’t.

So, being the concerned citizen that I am, I yell…

“Hey Dumbfuck, are you that stupid? Turn your God Damn phone off. What? Are you trying to blow us all up?”

You’re probably thinking…this chick is polite and caring? Why hasn’t she had the hell beat out of her by now? You know why?

I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Ha. Actually it’s because I have been damn lucky. I run into this shit everywhere, and I am sure you do too. 

Are people really this stupid or are they just oblivious to everyone, but themselves? Sadly, I am thinking the latter.

So kids…be polite and caring in your everyday dealings with people. Until it’s time not to.

I feel better now, and…I think I might be getting better at this gig, or not.

See you tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zooooves!!

Hi All!! It's Me!! Schmoop!!

How you doin’? You’re all so pretty!

Ok, since I evidently am taking over this here blog while Matt Man works on bigger things; let me allow myself, to introduce…um...myself.

Some of you may not know the brains behind my “beauty.”

As I sit here pondering my greatness, I mean, watching, Jerry Springer…you should all know what the fuck you’re getting into here.

First of all, my name is not Schmoop, it’s Elizabeth…or Beth. My Mother, God rest her soul, decided to name her sixth and last child after a whore in the Bible, Love you Mommy!!

I have accounts with Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter, but rarely comment on any of them. I’m shy, what can I say?

While I love watching Maury, I do not have a baby daddy, or a baby. Unless you count my nearly twenty pound kitteh.

I am 45 years old, and damn proud of every scar, stretch mark, and wrinkle, but gravity…can suck my ass!

I have been gainfully employed for ten years by a man who regularly loses his keys, glasses, tea, and mind everyday.

Blonde/Auburn/Red/Black are not my original hair colors. I don’t know what the hell my original hair color is.

I met Matt Man, in the Biblical sense, almost eleven years ago. THAT is another post.

I love the show, Charmed, and like to think of myself as a witch on occasion, and also a raging bitch too.

I have a tiny apartment across from a major hospital that I share with the love of my life.

It is small, but after a breakup from an abusive relationship of fourteen years (also another post), I am very happy with where I am.

I mostly eat crap food, except when Matt Man cooks. I love veggies, but hate fruit.

I love, and I mean, LOOOOVE to swear. You looking at me? Fuck you! See? 

My sainted Mother always told me that my mouth would get me into trouble one day. Hmmm…ok, I’ll give her that one.

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m new at this blogging thing, so don’t be surprised if I tell you…more of your bizness whore!

Zoooooves!!

PS… I also seem to have a MAJOR addiction with Ice Breakers Peppermint Ice Cube gum. And yet, I usually hate everything peppermint.

Schmoop Does Bagwine and Asks...Who's Your Daddy?

So, since I seem to now be in charge of this here Bagwine blog, I will try to post witty, intelligent posts. Oh who the hell am I kidding…it will be total drivel. Anyhoo...

Let’s start off with my horrible television viewing habits. Everyone, and I mean ALL of YOU, have guilty viewing habits. Right? 

Of course you do. On to mine.

You may know that Monday thru Thursday evenings, and all day Sunday…I am left to my own devices, as the King, aka Matt Man, is at the Beer Mine.

So, here goes…

He wanted to know why, on Saturday morning, when he turned on the TV, that Cartoon Network was on.

Ok, good question. Why was it on? I’ll tell you why.

“Who lives in a pineapple under the sea, Spongebob Squarepants.” 

Not so bad you say? Moving on.

Bridezillas, Judge Judy, Andy Griffith (only in B/W), HGTV, Food Network, and anything with the Kardashians. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Ok, the Bridezilla thing is a bit much, and maybe, maybe the Kardashians (I love you Bruce).

What? Just because I can name them all, even the two youngest ones (Kylie and Kendall)…don’t judge me.

Ok, here’s the big one. At 5:00 every weekday night (except Fridays when Ego-Boy is home), I watch…

MAURY.

I can’t help it people!! I swear! It’s like a train wreck! Who’s the baby daddy, who? I can’t look away. I’m watching it right now as I type this!!

When Matt found out I was sitting in the Captain’s computer chair watching MAURY, he blew a gasket, and had to sanitize the chair!

Big whoop home boy.

When the same woman has 18 men DNA tested, trying to find her baby daddy, and still doesn’t know who it is? Ha!! That is the shits!

Alright, I’ve come clean. I feel so much better. Now tell me yours. What? You don’t actually have any guilty TV pleasures?

Mother fucking liars.

Zooooves!!

Mattamorphosis

There could be some permanent and profound changes coming to Bagwine Ruminations.

Bagwine Ruminations could very well cease to exist as you know it.

It seems that one of the myriad of ideas I have had, has actually taken off with others than myself, and I will be devoting the bulk of my time bringing that idea to fruition.

It’s an interwebz, tubes of the internets, media idea I have had for a few hours days weeks , and…

It was met with a more than lukewarm response. So…

I may be sporadic over the next few days, but I will see if my BFF/OSP Schmoop, can muster up some entertainment for you on here.

She’s always funny, and if things pan out, she may be ruining running this site anyway.

In the meantime, you can always listen to the I’m With Stupid show that Jayman and I did yesterday.

It was a fucking hoot, as we talked about Rep. Anthony Weiner’s…wiener.

If there is any bit of a 12 year old boy or girl inside of you, you will love this show. You can listen to it by utilizing the handy dandy BTR machine below:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Until the next time…

Cheers!!

Bradley Cooper

After five years, nearly 1,900 posts, and over 700,000 words, Bagwine Ruminations™ and yours truly, are shutting down for some re-tooling and relaxation until Friday, May 27^th.

The reasons are simple.

As Schmoop told me the other day...

“You’re phonin’ it in, Ma-Hone.” 

And, she’s right…in a way.

It’s not that I have been phonin’ it in, it’s that I have lost purpose and focus on what I write about on Bagwine Ruminations.

It’s as though BR has often and of late, become a mere commercial for the award winning and highly rated Blog Talk Radio show that my buddy Jayman and I do on Saturdays and Mondays, I’m with Stupid.

I have to separate the two to a degree. I mean, I am going to always give a head’s up to our upcoming shows on here, and I will put up the latest archived edition of IWS, but that has to be secondary.

Fortunately, my radio partner in crime, Jay Bone Thug, has made that easier to do. I’m With Stupid now has a number of ways in which to be contacted.

We have a Tumblr account: IWS Tumblr

We have a Twitter account:  IWS Twitter

And…

We have an IWS e-mail account:  IWS_Radio@yahoo.com

So, gang you can always catch I’m With Stupid fun facts and punditry at those internets locales…
 

I also always update show info on my Facebook page and on my Twitter account which you can access on my right sidebar.

So really…I think keeping Bagwine Ruminations and IWS separate to a degree is no longer a problem; however…

I do need to refocus and take a couple of days off in order to get back to making the funny on BR like I have in the past.

I thought this was the perfect time to do just that because Friday the 27^th is significant in a way.

This Friday, May 27^th will mark the beginning of the sixth year of Bagwine Ruminations on Blogger, and while it has become a struggle at times to write something EVERY FUCKING DAY...

I hope to continue to do so for a long time to come, and hope what I write is at least halfway decent.

So there you have it folks…

Oh and the pictures, and post title? They have nothing to do with the post. 

I have to keep my numbers up while I’m away, and the pictures and title I used and how I labeled them will insure just that.

I may be unfocused, but I still have some deadly SEO skills.

Lastly, as I said I will continue to do…Here’s the latest episode of I‘m With Stupid from yesterday. 

It’s pretty funny and you can listen to it by utilizing the handy dandy BTR Machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Until Friday my friends, and as always…

Cheers!!

Finally!! It's Summertime in Bagwine!!

After a month and a half of cold, shitty weather, the forecast for this weekend in Bagwine, Ohio is calling for temps near the 80 Degree mark, and...

My mood is slowly thawing out and improving.

Sure, I'll be working the Beer Mine most of the weekend, but that's fine, because warmth has finally come to Bagwine.

Along with the explosion of warmer weather comes the proliferation of summertime type events.

People throughout the Greater Bagwine Metroplex will finally be able to enjoy a myriad of warm clime, fun time activities... 

Some folks will hit the diamonds and play some baseball...

Others will hit the local lake at the state park and drown some worms...

The local state park also has great camping facilities that will surely be utilized this weekend...

Others may opt to simply stay home and enjoy the weather and a casual cookout with friends...

I know what Schmoop likes to do when it finally heats up.  She likes to find an opening in the time/space continuum, travel back to 1984, and go tubin' down the Mad River...

This is all exciting stuff for the denizens of our little burg, however, there is something even more exciting that happens when the weather heats up 'round here.

I not only work the Beer Mine while wearing no underwear, I begin to show off my incredibly sexy, massive, Adonis-like legs...

Uh-Huh...Try to calm down, O ladies of Bagwine; my legs will be showin' for a few months to come, so pace yourselves.

Yep.  It's summertime, and the Matt-Man is easy.

Cheers!!

Time Marches On...And Marches All Over Me!!

Welcome to the work week chuckleheads; mine began yesterday…or was it Friday? Hell I don’t know; allow me to ‘splain.

I am now working at the Beer Mine seven days a week…every week. It’s kinda wacky and well, throwing me for a time management loop which granted, I never had much skill in that area to begin with.

Now I am not working eight hours a day every day only two are eight hour days. 

Some are four, some are five hours, and its probable that here and there a couple of the shorter days will be nine hour days if Mikey needs to drill some beans or more likely, one of his hogs.

Anyway…I’m not complaining about the schedule, in fact, I kinda dig it, but it throws a wrench into things.

Between working every day, trying to write a blog, working time in with Ryno, and doing a Blog Talk Radio show, I’ve become the human embodiment of the empirical school of thought of Locke, Hume, and Berkeley.

I am but a blur of never ending sensory experiences that meld into one, and leave me with nothing…or everything…or um…something…like that.

Hell, I don’t even see nor speak to Schmoop that much these days, let alone get naked with her.

So, not only am I busy, I’m busy walking around with a prostate in need of some serious decompression, and she with a cooter hungrier than the combined appetite of all the contestants at a Nathan’s Hot Dog eating competition.

I am floundering in a maze of time that has no ending nor a beginning. I am sitting on the second hand on the clock of life and I am getting dizzy…

I need a personal assistant!!

Send me your application and we’ll chat.

I would have Schmoop be my assistant, but what with her working 40 hours a week, doing laundry, and the churning of the butter duties, she’s tied up…well she should be, because she is so damn hot lookin’ when she’s rendered immovable in a compromising position.

So anyway, send me your app and we will discuss as to the ways in which you can help me out of this downward spiral of disorganization.

I need it now more than ever, because my buddy Jayman and I, beginning today, are doing TWO I’m With Stupid shows a week on Blog Talk Radio.

Yep…

In addition to our Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT show, which you can and should listen to here:

You can now, beginning this Monday and every Monday, listen to us live on Blog Talk Radio at 11 AM EDT, and I hope you do so by clicking HERE.

So there you have it. Help me out and listen to I’m With Stupid in the archives and live today as well at 11 AM EDT.

Don’t let THE MAN keep this brutha down.

Cheers!!

Overheard in Bagwine

Happy Tuesday to you all…How ‘bout we do a little installment that I call, Overheard in Bagwine™, shall we?

We shall…

Sunday morning while Schmoop and I enjoy a post-coital smoke...

Schmoop: Wow…I’m impressed.

Me: With what? My always incredible sexual skills?

Schmoop: No. I’m impressed that I can still get my legs up that high and wide.

Me: Hey-Ooooooooo

Talking to my son Ryno and his Mom on Mother’s Day outside of the Beer Mine…

Mom: See the beautiful bracelet our son bought me?

Me: That’s very nice. That’s very pretty Ryno, good job.

Ryno: You know what isn’t very pretty?

Me: What?

Ryno: YOUR FACE…

Mom: Ryan!!

Ryno and Me: Hee Hee Hee Hee…

At the Beer Mine Monday night, as some underage punk is pleading with me to sell him beer…

Punk: C’mon sell me a Four Loco, man.

Me: I need to see an ID…man.

Punk: You sold one to my friend earlier when I was with him.

Me: I know. Your friend is 21.

Punk: My dad is a cop. You should have carded us both when you sold it to him.

Me: That doesn’t make any sense. If you want one, show me an ID.

Punk: I’m 21.

Me: ID or get lost.

Punk: Here… (shows me his ID)    

Me: You’re only 20.

Punk: But tonight, I’m 21 (wink wink) right?

Me: Ummmmm, no…now move along sonny.

Punk: Don’t you think that if I am old enough to join the Army, I should be able to buy a beer?

Me: No…not when you’re an asshole. Now get out of here.

Punk: You’re a jerk.

Me: Ha. I know, but guess what? I’m old enough to drink. Hee Hee. Now get out of here.

50 year old or so Female Customer who saw and heard the end of the exchange: Ha Ha Ha Ha, Well done.

Me: Ha. Thanks!!

Ahhhhhhhhh, I love that shit. Now…

In case you missed I’m With Stupid this past Saturday on Blog Talk Radio, you can listen to it in archives by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine:

 

We talked Kentucky Derby, Mother’s Day and a whole bunch of other stuff. 

In spite of NBC and Time Warner trying to keep us down, we persevered with some funny stuff so listen if and when you can…please.

I shall be gone much of the day, so I will catch you all when I can. Have a wonderful Tuesday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Riches Aren't Always at the End of a Rainbow; Sometimes They're Staring You in the Face

Yesterday was a nice day…a good day…a simple kind of day that made, and always makes me smile.

I woke up around 7:30, walked into the living room and there to greet me was my BFF/OSP Schmoop, with a smile and a good morning.

We watched and made fun of FOX News for a few minutes and then chatted for awhile.

After putting up a couple of simple things on my website and Facebook, I called my son.

I asked him if he followed through with my strict orders to do something for his mom for Mother’s Day, and he responded:

“Dad…You know I told you I would write her a poem, and I did. I also bought her a bracelet.”

I asked…

“Sweeeeeet. Did she cry?”

Ryno said:

“She cried while she read the poem and then bawled afterwards when I gave her the bracelet.”

Here’s the thing people, and here is yet another example and proof that Ryno is my son.

The clever little shit texted the poem so it would be the first thing she saw in the morning, and her, thinking that that was it for Mother’s Day, only then did he present her with a mother/son bracelet, and she wailed in joy.

Yes, my friends…My boy has the gift of smoothness and charm, and…I told him to, unlike me, use it only for good.

After the phone call, I went to work at the Beer Mine. The day started off cloudy and slow at work and then Pizza Bill and his lovely wife showed up for non-work related reasons and we hung out for awhile.

We laughed, chuckled, generally made fun of others, and Bill's wife and I made fun of Bill, or as he shall from here on out, be known as, Sean or Shawn...it all works.

Not too long after they departed, my son Ryno and his mom showed up to collect their weekly bounty. 

As typical and quite nicely I might add, they brought a couple of McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers for me as well.

In between customers, the three of us laughed, shot the shit, and his mom showed me the incredibly cute bracelet that our son had gotten her.

After about 20 minutes, they departed in order to go be with her family for a Mother’s Day gathering. It was nice.

Shortly afterwards, an old girlfriend of mine whom I dated for some five years some twenty plus years ago, came through with her two, twenty something daughters.

We chuckled for a few minutes, the old flame gave me shit for not giving her a discount and then ultimately I asked her...

“So which one of your daughters is mine?”

Hilarity ensued…and then they left to go to the movies. And yeah, it was nice seeing her and her daughters.

On top of that, everyone who came through the Beer Mine was pleasant and in a good mood. I like that.

You see, I don’t ask for much…If the majority of folks in this world are happy and being pleasant to others, that’s all I need.

And yesterday, that’s exactly what I got…oh, and pre-work sex from Schmoop, I got that as well. Maybe that’s why I started the day off in a good mood and remained that way all damn day.

Yeah…I think that may have had something to do with it, but really…that was merely icing on the cake…or pie as it were.

All of the things and all of the people I mentioned are always around me; sometimes I and probably you as well, forget about those things...and those people.

We really shouldn't.  The world is a better place and so are we, because of them.

Cheers!!

Royal Wedding House Party

This is it Bitches!!

Today is the day that for the first time in forty days that the sun is shining and the Three Whores of Babylon are descending upon Bagwine, Ohio.

Bubblewench, Sybil, along with THE sugar mama herself, Chrissy Slut, are joining Schmoop and me for a day and night of debauchery, drunkenness, and if we were related...incest.

One Matt-Man, One Motel room, Several fifths of booze, and eight tits!!

Holy Moly, this gonna be HUGE!!  But first...

Jayman and I are going to recap the Royal Wedding, and look forward to my day of debauchery on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at Noon EDT today.

Our royal wedding recap will primarily be provided by IWS's British Royal and Society reporter, Aurora Thistle...Listen to me now and hear me later if you will, but this chick is HOT, and in the know.

Is this a great day or what?

The sun is out.  The boobs will be flailing about, and I'm With Stupid is on the air at Noon EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

I'm so damn excited, I blew a load just typing this.

So...I have to go shovel some coal into my choo-choo train of love by frying up some eggs and downing some Vitamin Water.

I hope to see you on the radio today, and you can hook up with us by accessing our radio page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!! 

Jack Link's: The Beef Jerky With a Heart

I worked all day yesterday, so I didn’t get to go over and see my son Ryno Easter morning.

Not a real big deal, I mean Hell, he’ll be 17 in October so it’s not like he was laying around expecting an Easter basket full of Peeps and chocolate bunnies or anything.

However…

I talked to him Easter morning before work and Ryno told me that he and his mom and were going to swing by the Beer Mine on their way to his mom’s sister’s house for Easter.

With this in mind, when I got to work I said to myself, “what the hell”, grabbed a sack, and bought Ryno a few munchie type things that I know he likes...

Winterfresh gum…a couple of Reese’s Cups…an Arnold Palmer Arizona Tea, and Herr’s Cheesy Bacon Ranch Friez:

I got him one other thing as well. You see, after many months of sporting braces, Ryno got his braces off for good last week.

So…

I bought him something that he loves and something he has been unable to eat for quite some time:

Yep. Jack Link's Peppered Beef Jerky.

When Ryno saw the jerky, he said:

“Oh wow, I haven’t had this since I got my braces. I love this stuff.”

I said, “I know.”

Ryno smiled, hugged me, and said, “Thanks Dad, I love you.”

Winterfresh gum, Reese’s Cups, Arnold Palmer Iced Tea, and Herr’s Ranch Friez: $4.40

Jack Link's Peppered Beef Jerky: $1.49

Getting a hug and an “I Love You” from my nearly 17 year old son outside of a Drive Thru which sits along a busy street all because of some beef jerky:

Priceless.

Shortly after that, Ryno and his mom drove off to their Easter dinner, and I worked the rest of the day with a smile on my face knowing that a simple $5.89 investment can yield one helluva dividend.

I like that, and I want to thank Schmoop for spotting me the cash that on this Easter, funded the smiles of a couple of clowns.

Happy Monday all.

Cheers!!