Weekends Were Made For Buzz Cuts

Oh boy do I have a BIG weekend coming up. Tomorrow night, as I have been reporting, is the big dinner/talent show fundraiser in which my hilarious 12 year old son will be singing “Wernher Von Braun” to a crowd of church going folks (see below), who, for the most part, have no fricking clue who the man is. But Ryan will have plenty of family in the crowd and we will be cheering loudly. It’s funny; I knew early on that my son would be an entertainer of sorts.

When he was four, I picked him up from pre-school one day and the teacher came up to me and told me that he had her in stitches all day. I asked what he had done. She told me that she had never heard a better rendition of Cheap Trick’s song “Surrender”. Evidently, he was singing it all day. She then told me that the best part of the day was when she saw him kneeling in the bathroom with his head nearly all of the way down the toilet. She said that she raced into the bathroom because she thought he was getting sick, but when she got there it wasn’t that at all. Ryan had plunged his noggin’ into the porcelain fixture as he yelled, “Get out of that hole, you wascally wabbitt!!” A budding comedic genius…

Anyhoo, back to the big weekend…Saturday morning I am picking up Sweetman and taking him to his basketball game. I told him that his Uncle Marty is coming and we are both going to paint our faces, wear rainbow wigs, and loudly shout, “We Love You Ryan!!” He just shook his head and said that we were freaks. He is worried that I am not kidding. Messing with your child’s mind can be so damned fun.

After his game, I am taking him to lunch and then back home to his mom. So where does that leave me? It leaves me thirsty for some libation, and lots of it. The Rose will be flowing all day, and Schmoop will be sucking back a generous amount of Bud Light. And boy oh boy, Saturday evening, provided Aunt Flo doesn’t make her monthly visit, Schmoop better watch out, because my libido is nearing critical mass…Just giving you a heads up Schmoop, not even keeping me at bay with the coat rack like you did last week will be enough to quash my seething carnal desires.

Sunday I am going out to breakfast with Schmoop’s brother, Dave. Every year we have a contest to see who can pick the most winners in the College Bowl games. As usual I won, and he is paying me off with a free breakfast. I will write more about good old Dave in the future. He’s a heckuva nice guy, but the dude has more issues than Time Magazine. After breakfast, we will go somewhere to procure a signal splitter and cable for Dave’s TV, and don’t anyone dare try to stop us!!

We then will stop at the store to purchase some party supplies with which to enjoy the Sunday afternoon. Once back to the abode and a just out of the shower Schmoop, we will throw on some tunes, curse the fact that there’s no football on, and swill some cocktails. But wait…It gets better.

After a few drinks, Dave will perform the quarterly ritual of shaving Matt-Man’s head…Completely, you ask? Yessss. It’s not like I have a full head of hair anymore so every three months I have Le’ Dave shave my head to the bone. It’s refreshing, liberating, and it just feels right. After my defolliclelization, Dave will have a couple more beers and then head home. Schmoop and I will hang out for awhile, listening to music, and talking about the people that we want dead. If we are sober enough to make something for dinner without injury, we will do that. After we eat, the weekend is officially over for us, and it’s off to find the sandman. Zzzzzzzzzz

So there you have it folks, a little peek into my upcoming weekend. I know what you’re thinking. You wish you could live on the cutting edge like me. Well you can try…IF you think you can handle it. Do you think you can you handle it? Huh? Do you punk?

Well folks, thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you back here tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday. Cheers…