Ladies and Gentlemen...My Legacy

My 13 year old, comedian-in-training and I went to lunch yesterday.

We had a very nice time…

Well except for a guy sitting behind us who was talking to his friend about his masterful exploits on the softball diamond.

That unbuttoned shirt, gold chain wearin’ ass clown, bellowed louder and with more bravado than Bill O’Reilly.

For the record, I had a most tasty club sandwich and fries. And Ryno…?

He had a three egg omelet made with ham, sausage, Swiss cheese and cheddar cheese sauce.

He also had two large Cokes, three pancakes, and a plateful of Hash Browns. Like I said, he’s 13, and very hungry.

Afterwards, being the most gracious man that I am, we stopped at Holy Cow Ice Cream Barn and picked up some ice cream for his mom.

Caramel-Banana Ice Cream to be exact. I know, I am selfless.

We shot a short video while traveling from the Barn to his house…my old house…that I landscaped, and paid for..and…well…anyway…

You wouldn’t notice it, but what cracks me up is that his voice is changing.

His voice reminds me of the perils encountered by a young Peter Brady.

So without further adieu…I present to you my precious, carbon-based, teenage testosterone machine, in fact my legacy, Ryno!!

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so melt my core and fill me with helium because I feel like a lead balloon..

The day is gray and so is my tongue. I really need to quit smoking.

My big toe hurts, no not that one, the other one. Yeah, that one.

I have to work 5-9 tonight. Friday nights are pretty decent to work.

Last Friday I got 18 dollars in tips, phone numbers from two chicks, and a loving gaze from a gay man who obviously has impeccable taste.

I am off tomorrow, but unfortunately I think I am laying down a truck load of mulch.

Ironic, putting down yards of mulch at a house in which I no longer live. I care to a fault.

My right nipple is hard and yet the left one is not. Is that normal? Am I normal? Hmmmmm.

I got an email from an old girlfriend the other day. She told me that I am lame. Ahhhh, it was like old times. Thanks Sherri!!

My son and I are having a Batting Cage challenge soon. I think I can take him in spite of my advanced years.

I’ll use a corked bat. I wonder if I could cork my wee wee? Y’know provide myself with a little extra “pop”.

I have Elvis songs going through my head ever since I posted that HNT picture yesterday.

I keep picturing myself naked as I sing, “In the Ghetto”. Wow, that is a disturbing image…And his mama criiiiied.

I need to come up with an Inky and Lola for tomorrow. They have been a couple of slackers of late, but man, Lola does have great tits.

I am starting to feel better now. This stream has really been quite cathartic. I like that word, “cathartic”.

Cuhhhhhh-Tharrrrrr-Tic, c’mon say it with me. Cuhhhh-Tharrrr-Tic. Ahhhh, feel better?

Okay, my stream is running dry now. I guess I’ll just hang out and read some blogs now.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and a great weekend.

I wish you all a fun-filled two days full of ice cold libation and steamy, hot sex.

I’ll have plenty of libation, but alas Aunt Flo is visiting, so no sex for me this weekend. Unless, I get lucky at work tonight.

I wonder what that gay guy is doing?

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Treasure Hunt

Good Sunday morning to all of my Bagwine drinkers.

It’s been a busy and topsy-turvy week in my life.

I lost an important key. I have been swamped with things that have prevented me from making my blog rounds this weekend.

And now…I find that my son, who became a teenager in October, is starting to take on some typical teenage traits.

Among the typical things like checking out girls, sports, seeking some independence, and being a lovable smart-ass, he has also developed a disturbing habit.

Mr. Smart-as-Hell Straight As and Bs Boy evidently has recently felt that turning in homework on time is not important.

His grades have suffered…and I mean SUFFERED. The boy is in trouble.

His mom and I have been through this before with him, but not to this extent. Oy Vay!!

We have been asking him every afternoon and every morning…Is your homework done? Do you need help with any subjects? How’s school in general?

The answer every time: Just great Mom. Just great Dad. Everything’s good!!

Maybe things are good in the Bizarro World, but he has been neglecting just about everything.

Well, the little fella got busted on Friday about this, and yesterday, Matt-Man the Hammer came a-calling to his house.

Now typically, I am a positive reinforcement kinda parent, but since that hasn’t worked, I, and his mom agreed with it, went negative.

His My Space page, Gone. Track Team, Gone. Wednesday night fun at his Church, Gone. Basketball Camp this summer, Pending.

Neither his mom nor I wanted to do this, but, I figure it’s not simply punishment for Ryno, it’s a valuable civics lesson demonstrating our government’s system of checks and balances.

Sad times indeed this week, but there has been some upside as well.

I found my key. I have seen a lot of new faces on Bagwine this week. I have many new readers to put on my links page. And…

When I said to Ryno, “You know you really screwed up don’t you?”

In atypical teenage fashion, without a song, dance, or excuse, he replied, “Yes I did.” I liked that.

So, this morning I am off to Ryno’s because we are holding a brief funeral service for his My Space page, prior to deleting it.

Through all of his temporary embarrassment and tears, he still thought my idea of the funeral was pretty funny.

Amen, and Amen.

And now, our Sunday Serenade…

Life certainly is a series of ups and downs, but we need to treat it as a Treasure Hunt. One in which we hold the secret map within our heart and soul.

Even if things go bad for awhile we have to keep on roaming and find our treasures along the way. Here’s the B-52s with 60 year old Birthday girl Kate Pierson.

Cheers!!

If you get the chance, listen to Turnbaby's Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Just Because You've Left, Doesn't Mean You're Gone

Cute picture, eh?

Ryno’s mom came across this while she was cleaning out some drawers, at what used to be my house.

It’s a picture of Ryno and I circa 1996.

He would have been somewhere between 1 and 2 years old and I was about 31 or so.

The little man is zonked out in that picture, and I…well, I think I’m only pretending to be zonked out.

You see, that picture was taken at the then In-Laws house.

So, in order to avoid all of the ever present familial drama, I only acted as though I was asleep.

I can even detect a bit of smile and/or smirk on my mug. I am relaxed, and my son is in a blissful pseudo-coma.

A quiet serenity and peace abound in that photo.

It wasn’t always like that. After seven years into a rocky marriage, Ryno was born. After 2 years or so of a Post-Natal armistice, it was back to the ugliness.

Finally, in 2000, as his mom and I argued once again, our son came out of his room crying his big, brown six year old eyes out and begged us to stop fighting.

I knew it was time for me to go. And so, I did.

His mom and I aren’t awful people by any means, unfortunately, for whatever reason, we brought out the worst in each other.

It wasn’t fair to either of us, and it certainly wasn’t fair to a six year old boy who just wanted to grow up happy and secure.

That was eight years ago, and for three years or so, even though I live just minutes away, it was hard on all of us.

But the last few years have been pretty good. Ryno and I are best buddies once again, and his mom and I get along relatively well.

I have never asked for anything out of the house I mentioned, because Ryno likes it there. That’s his home.

Along with the house, I have thrown away almost all of my animosity.

Almost all.

Knowing that I have a date with an IRS 1040 Form today, it’s fine that she has the house, but c'mon...

Throw me a bone and let me use the sweet, little shit as a deduction.

But no worries, life’s good and bad even out in all different ways.

Some say the best revenge is living well. That’s not bad, but I have an axiom that is even better.

You see, Ryno is nearly exactly like me in every way, shape, and manner.

He looks like me. He talks like me. He has the identical senses of charm, sarcasm, and humor. He’s Mini-Matt.

Not a day goes by that both his mom and Grandma don’t shake their heads and say, “Ryan, you are just like your Father.”

Which leads me to my axiom…

You can take the house away from the Matt-Man, but you can’t take the Matt-Man away from the house.

And THAT my friends, is the best revenge of all.

Happy Tax Day!!

Cheers!!

Two COWs and One-on-One

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is a special day for Bagwine Ruminations.

We are awarding not one, but two C.O.W.s this week.

Oh, and by the way, Ryno wants to play one on one basketball again with the Old Man this morning.

For the record, since the little 13 year old future NBA’er and I have kept records of our games, this Old Man is up 3 games to 0.

While it’s good for him that he is 30 years younger, it’s better for me that I am 7 inches taller!!

So, since it is finally going to be a nice day in Bagwine, Ohio and I am off to see Ryno this morning, let’s get right to it.

First, a special COW goes to someone who has been a regular Bagwine drinker for quite awhile.

She is always there when I need a song suggestion, a review for my sidebar, and always makes me laugh with her comments.

Her name is Starrlight and she hails from the Great Northwest of the U.S. She is smart, funny, and I believe, of Greek ancestry, or as President Bush would say…

“I think that dogie bitch is Grecian.”

On Wednesday’s post, I launched Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™ dating service. I didn’t come right out and say to send your application…But she did.

I will post her application later due to length constraints, but I wanted to thank her today.

I hope you do the same and go over to the lovely Starrlight’s site by clicking HERE, and congratulate her for the COW, and being a buddy.

Thanks for everything Starr!!

And now for our weekly Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…

This week’s comment comes courtesy of our Tuesday post and the creation of April Foot’s Day.

This funny man, through his comment, shows his innate ability to call me an auto-erotic pervert and a sensitive guy at the same time.

He’s Jay the Cynical Bastard and here is his comment…

“I guess you got tired of writing to your penis so you decided to write to your feet? Seriously, I thought it was touching.”

Here’s to the Jay-Man for ropin’ this week’s COW. If you’d like to give kudos to Jay please click HERE.

I hope you and Starrlight hang your COWs proudly.

I am off to go see the Little Man for a few and throw my hip out.

I hope to see you at my Church Disservice tomorrow and watch me expose Conan O’Brien for stealing one of my comedic gems.

Until then,

Cheers!!

Update: We only go to play one game because Ryno went shopping with his grandma for new Track and Field Shoes. For him, not Grandma.

Final Score: Old Matt-Man 13 Ryno 8

Matt-Man moves to 4-0...And no injuries from old age!!

Elephant Matt-Man

Not a happy Saturday here in Bagwine, Ohio…

Yesterday I developed an abscess just above my left incisor. I have a very high pain tolerance but it was killing me. The good news, is that after a mainly sleepless night, the pain in the tooth and gum has subsided.

The bad news? The infection has decided to migrate from my mouth to the left side of my angelic face.

The left side of my face is swollen up more than Lindsay Lohan’s liver. Hell, if the right side of my face was equally swollen I would look just like Steve Lawrence…C’mere and give me a kiss Eydie.

The worst thing is that my son has a basketball tournament game later this morning, and I must attend. Even though the pain I feel is exceeded only by my current hideousness, I must be there for the Littleman.

So, three hours or so from now, I will enter the gym to watch his game and be greeted by the ear splitting shrieks of, “Dear God!! What is that THING!!!?

I, driven by a combination of embarrassment and vanity will cry out, “I AM NOT AN ANIMALLLLL. I AM A HUMAN BEING!!”

I better take a towel with me because my face is so tightly swollen I cannot talk right now without slobbering all over myself.

Oh the Humanity.

Although I am writhing in discomfort, I will be there for Ryno, and I will now award that prestigious honor that we have come to know and love. Ladies and Gentlemen…

The Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…

Our comment this week comes courtesy of Jeff from A Word In Edgewise who responded to my Birthday post this past Thursday.

I received so many well wishes from you all, but none quite as touching and thoughtful as this comment from Jeff:

“Happy Birthday ya old fart. I got you a present, but I don't know how to mail herpes.”

Jeff, you are such the giver. If you can, stop by Jeff’s site and wish him congrats on roping this week’s COW. You can go there by clicking HERE.

Enjoy your Saturday folks. I am going to spend mine frightening basketball fans and then coming home and soaking my pain in Wild Irish Rose.

I hope to see you back here tomorrow for our Sunday Morning Church Disservice. Until then…

Cheers!!

Screw Your Groundhog; We Have A COW

Happy Groundhog Day!! I don’t know about you, but I really didn’t care that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow.

I would just someday like to see the corpulent rodent bite the ear off of the doddering old man who puts Phil to his ear in order to “listen” to his answer as to whether he saw his shadow or not.

Now that is good television. Happy Groundhog Day!!

Big doings in Bagwine, Ohio today. My 13 year old son and future NBA star, is going to Cleveland with his mom today to watch the Cleveland Cavaliers play the Los Angeles Clippers.

Not a big thing in itself, although just an “average” ticket is pretty pricey, but it gets better.

They are sitting floor level in the “family section”. That doesn’t mean a section set aside for everyday families. This is the section where the family of the Cavs players sit. Ryno is beside himself, and beside little Lebron!! Happy Groundhog Day!!

But wait, it gets better…They have passes to go back to the post game get together with the players and their families. Ryno has his Lebron James jersey, Cavs basketball, and a brand new Sharpie ready for some autographs. Sweet!!

But wait!! Before all of this got better, it had already gotten better before all of this betterness started.

An hour before the game starts, Ryan, and a couple of other kids get to warm up on the court with the team. Happy Groundhog Day!!

Ryno told me that all 5’4” of his frame is going to dunk over 7’3” Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I hope someone captures that on video. They have a very nice hotel room just down from the Quicken Arena as well.

All of this comes free, courtesy of a very generous Christmas present from one of his many kind uncles.

This particular uncle’s sister has access to all of the extra perks that the Littleman will be enjoying. The boy lives and breathes basketball; Oh yeah, he’s on cloud nine.

Funny, I get a little choked up typing this. It is always hard to express in words, the love a parent has for their child, but getting tears in my eyes knowing the extraordinary happiness he will feel experiencing all of this, certainly is a by-product of that indefinable love.

Have a blast, Sweetman. Happy Groundhog Day!!

And Now, The Comment of the Week…

This week’s comment is from my Wednesday post about giving up meat for the 46 days of Lent. I discussed eating beans, tuna, and pasta for the duration.

This comment from Tequila Mockingbird, shows that Bagwine Ruminations is not just a reservoir of high brow political and societal dissertations and commentary, but also a forum that allows folks to vent their very troubling and very personal problems:

“This one girl at work always makes tuna fish salad sammiches, and then the office smells like prostitutes for the rest of the day. I know that had almost nothing to do with your post, but I felt the need to unburden myself.”

Always feel free to unburden yourself here Tequila. And congratulations on winning the COW. Please stop by her site and offer her your congrats. You can click HERE to go there.

Lastly, before I go see Ryno and wish him a safe trip, I would like to publicly thank my best friend in the whole world, Schmoop, for helping me out…yet again. You’re the best my friend. Happy Groundhog Day!!

Schmoop has also re-introduced herself to the blogging world, and has half-assed committed to posting on a half-assed regular basis. If you’d like to say “Hi” to Schmoop click HERE.

Have a great Saturday folks…Happy Groundhog Day!!

Cheers!!

"A Bit of Fragrance Always Clings to the Hand That Gives Roses"

I received an award yesterday...

Penelope Anne of Café at the End of the Universe honored me with the “Everyday Kindness Award”. (Ed. Note: Evidently her husband picked up her prescription.)

I am not big on awards because I receive so many everyday in the form of you, my readers, leaving your touching, provocative, and thoughtful comments on my post. (Ed. Note: I looked up the phrase “suck ass”…your picture was there.)

But Penelope, thank you, I was moved. The honor made me step back and ponder about my efforts to be kind. It’s a good time to do so since my 43rd birthday on February 7th is only days away. (Ed. Note: Shameless…Gratuitous, adjectives. Definition: q.v. “Matt-Man”.)

For instance, my son and I went to lunch yesterday. He was telling me about the great time he and his friends had at the slumber party the night before.

I relayed to him the uplifting story about the 14 hours I put in at the local soup kitchen over the weekend. (Ed. Note: HA…Hittin' On Homeless Chicks again, dickhead?)

The father/son interaction was rewarding, but the food we were served at Bob Evans the restaurant was not.

Ryno’s omelet looked as though it had been put through a brush chipper. The little guy was not too impressed. Oh sure, I could have made a stink about it…made a scene. But by letting the incident pass I taught my son two things…

One, even in the face of adversity, be kind…be civil. And number two, “Better to stomach a bad omelet, than to have your stomach cut open by a cook fresh out on parole and making $6.75/hour.” (Ed. Note: Confucius just wept.)

Sure, there have been times when an angry person has threatened me and I have wanted to respond like a Chinese production of Roger and Hammerstein’s, “Okrahoma!” by conducting a little “Chin-Music” on his face with my fists... (Ed. Note: Chinese? Okrahoma? Chin-Music? Did you come up with that while you were taking a crap?)

HA!! I thought of that line while in the bathroom this morning. (Ed. Note: I fucking knew it.) But, I have always taken the high road in those situations.

Hell, as you can see, my Editor is giving me quite the hassle this morning. I will not succumb to his provocation...

Instead, I opt to turn the other cheek and be kind. Not only is that the right thing to do, but since my editor and I are the same person, I don’t want to have to kick my own ass. (Ed. Note: Pussy!!)

So folks, today, even if you are a bit grumpy and perhaps your life isn’t anywhere close to where you would like it to be (Ed. Note: Sound familiar, Matty-Boy?) take a minute and be kind to someone. After all, just like syphilis, kindness is infectious.

Cheers!! (Ed. Note: As soon as you publish your post, see me in my office, and bring you keys to the building with you.)

Martin Luther King Jr.: Unintended Consequences

Today of course is Martin Luther King Day here in the States. A day in which many Americans honor his legacy of helping to bring about profound social change through courage, character, and hard work.

How do we honor and pay tribute to this? By not working…Having a day off. I love America.

As soon as Ryno gets home after spending the night with a buddy of his, I will be headed over to spend some time with my sweet, little, future NBA star…

We will play some video games, and then have a free lunch (yes, there is such a thing) at Bob Evans courtesy of a gift certificate given to me from one of my brother’s at Christmas.

In regards to MLK Jr., I am not going to repeat all of the well-deserved kudos and platitudes given to his memory. Instead, I want to take a step back and let his spirit know that what he did was not entirely good.

King gave hope and inspiration to millions. He instilled into the masses, the message that anyone and everyone can achieve their dreams…If given a fair playing field and an equal chance at life, all things all possible no matter who you are.

This has been both a blessing and a curse. Millions have realized their dreams of voting without fear, living in a neighborhood that was previously off limits, and just receiving a decent amount of respect.

Others however, have taken his message of chasing down their dreams and making them happen to an unfortunate end that has disturbed many of us.

Who are these people?

Andy Dick…Britney Spears…Jessica and Ashlee Simpson…The View’s Sherri Shepherd…Carrot Top…Gallagher…Alan Keyes…Ann Coulter…The Captain and Tenille.

This a mere handful of some of the people who have taken Martin Luther King’s dream and turned it into our collective nightmare. King should have passed on his message only to some of us.

Because, as you can see in this case, segregation wouldn’t have been a bad thing.

But in parting, I leave you with this song in tribute to MLK and a couple of others like him. Enjoy Dion, ‘cause there ain’t no one more hip than the D-Man…

I may be back later, until then, talk amongst yourselves and

Cheers!!

Bagwine Christmas: A Retrospective

Christmas Eve...What a cute picture of Ryno and his Uncle Marty. I asked Ryno why he wore his glasses instead of his contacts...

He told me he wore them because even Crazy Uncle Vince wouldn't hit a kid in glasses...

Egads, it appears that Ryno didn't like the Egg Narrrrrg!! Or perhaps, he snuck a drink of Bourbon. Hmmmmmmm?

The booty for Matt-Man!! A Geroge Bush 2008 Countdown Calendar and Colbert's New Book.

A variety of gift cards, candy, and a Photo Album of old family pictures that one of my sister's put together...

Yeah Baby!! 'Round here, I am known as the King of Crockpot Cooking. Schmoop's brother David gave me this crock that comes with a 2, 4, and 6 quart pot. Mangia!! And look what's next to it...A bottle of wine that is French and has an actual cork. I guess I can still put it in a bag when I drink it.

Ryno gave me three funny T-Shirts, but this one says it all...

Alas, the one thing I didn't get. Maybe next year Jessica...

I hope you all had a safe and wonderful Christmas, and to all of you loony Canadians, Happy Boxing Day.

I am off to Best Buy sometime this morning to help David find a new phone for his mom. I mean, how could I refuse to help a guy who just gave me a 3-in-1 Slow Cooker?

Cheers!!

The 5 B's: Burglary, Basketball, Boobs, Blog Talk, and Bagwine

It's always nice to get Christmas cards, but these are special. They come from three of my blogging buddies. Vinny, Jules, and Metalmom, sent these to the Bagwine abode. The best thing is that all the envelopes had return addresses on them. I now know exactly where they live, and when these clowns kind folks go on vacation this summer, I can burglarize their homes.

Merry Christmas to me. Come summer, I'll be enjoying my new appliances and electronics!!



Ladies and Gentlemen, at Shooting Guard...Standing 5'4" tall...From Bagwine, Ohio...Wearing Number 23...Rynoooooo!!

The ex and I didn't always get along very well, but we did produce one sweet, handsome child.




What would the weekends be without an Inky and Lola cartoon? Hmm...Lola's boobs look smaller than usual; I must need a new Sharpie!!





You didn't think I would let today pass without another dose of shameless self-promotion did you? Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tomorrow at 8 P.M. EST. TB and I will be butchering singing as many yuletide favorites as we can in an hour.

Call in and you'll get the added pleasure of talking to me nekkid. Double the fun, and when you call in, you be nekkid as well. For TB's show details you can click HERE.

I doubt if my son has basketball practice today, so if I don't need to take him, I'll be here all day. The weather outside is supposed to turn very frightful in a little while, so I guess that being in front of my computer with several big glasses of Bagwine is the best and safest place to be.

The great thing is that Schmoop's brother and Bagwine fave, David, has a brand new 4-Wheel drive Jeep, and has promised to brave the elements, come over to the digs, and drop off a fresh supply of libation later. D-Man, I dub thee Sir David: Protector and Deliverer of the Bagwine.

And to all of you: Have fun, stay safe, and as always, Cheers!!

NOTE: The pictures are much sharper if you click on them and view. I had sizing issues. Of course, I have always had issues with size.

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiday so fire up the CD player, throw on some Christmas music, and pass me the Wild Irish Rose; I’m staying home all weekend because round two of the White Death is headed to Bagwine, Ohio tomorrow.

Over the course of the day tomorrow, we are supposed to get anywhere from 4-8 inches of snow as well as significant icing.

Dear God in heaven, the denizens of my town will be descending upon the grocery stores today like a pack of famished Wildebeests fighting over the last acre of the African savannah.

Winter weather around here brings the freaks out which in turn exacerbates my one phobic affliction:

Panphallusnogginphobia which is the fear and loathing of complete and utter dickheads. But I shall remained harbored safely in my digs sucking back some medication…My back is kinda stiff today, WTF?

My son’s team won their basketball game last night. He didn’t get to play, but the little shit still made me proud because every time his team scored he would stand up and clap. He is the ultimate team player, which for a seventh grade hormone machine is pretty damn good.

Speaking of sports, several big Major League Baseball players were outed yesterday as ones who used steroids…Not good.

I wish I had a steroid supply. I would use them, because after years of lack of sex, I have become complacent and my balls have swollen to the size of Bill O’Reilly’s head.

If I start taking steroids I would gain an attitude and my nuts would shrivel up to manageable dimensions. Put a corkscrew to my head and pull my brains out…lalalalala WHOOOOOSH!!

I had a good laugh this morning. I was sitting on the can cleansing my colon of last night’s Tony’s frozen pizza while reading an anthology of The Onion.

One of my horoscopes in the book, stated the following: “A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.” Ha, it’s probably effin’ accurate.

The Onion is a funny, funny site. I used to have a link to The Onion on my sidebar but it kept making my eyes water. I don’t think Dick Cheney likes Jell-O; he strikes me as more of a pudding person. I am making burgers tonight. I may stuff mine with Velveeta and green olives. How Yum-Oh is that?

If you listen to me on Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show (link here) Sunday evening, keep in mind, I will be speaking to you while wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a thin coating of olive oil on my nipples. Is that hot or what?

Well, I must be off. Enjoy your day and your weekend. Spend it listening to me and hearing the sound of balls shriveling.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Making Room To Be Thankful

It’s time for another Bagwine Sunday Morning Church Disservice…Our topic this week? Thanksgiving. Well, actually a Pre-Thanksgiving annoyance purge. You see, if I am to fully enjoy the celebration of Thanksgiving on Thursday, prior to that joyous event, I feel that I need to unload from my soul, some thoughts about things that irritate me…

My current financial situation…In a word, it “sucks”. I worry that this Christmas (unless I change the name tags on the gifts that his aunts and uncles give him showing that it’s from me instead of them) the only thing I will be able to give my son Ryno is a pat on the back and a kiss on the head.

My genes…Talk about irritating, Damn. From my dad I received charm, a gift for words, and a great sense of humor. I like that. From my mom? I received the gift of baldness, bad gums and teeth, and eyes that while pretty, see at the rate of 20/750. Bald, toothless, and blind is no way to go through life son, no matter how charming you are!!

My weight…Over the past couple of years I have managed to lose nearly 70 pounds of SPAM and Wild Irish Rose induced fat. That is quite an accomplishment for someone who has the self-discipline of Lindsay Lohan while on a tour of a Stoli distillery.

In spite of my loss, look at my picture, (which, by the way, shows my freshly shaven head) the remaining, excess fat cells seemed to have all congregated in my face and neck. Put a yellow shirt with black zig zags on it on my body, and I would look like a six foot tall Charlie Brown. Ai yi yi…

Bloggers…Or more precisely, Bloggers who do nothing more than paste jokes, stories, or hackneyed items AND show no credit to the original creator (when possible) or contan any personal thoughts or takes on what the Blogger posted.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a blog snob, a blog critic, or attempting to get people to change their ways, it is just a personal annoyance. To me, it’s like inviting someone over to your house for a dinner of homemade Loosemeat Sandwiches, and using ground up Big Macs to make them.

Okay, I think I am done for now. Sure I will probably stew on these things for a couple more days, but come Thanksgiving morning I will promise to try to turn these irritants into a road to positive and thankful thinking.

For instance, I will be thankful that none of the blogs on my sidebar are the fast food factories of the blogsosphere AND that my readers leave funny and thoughtful comments. I will be appreciative of the fact that while my face may still cling to past obesity, my weight loss probably added a few years to my life and helped me to avoid diabetes.

As I spend Thursday eating and watching football with my best friend Schmoop, I will reflect on the good times of past Thanksgiving dinners with my mom and dad, and realize I was lucky to have them around as long as I did.

And finally, I will realize that if all I can give Ryno for Christmas is a pat on the back and a kiss on the head I will be happy that I am able to, and more importantly, knowing the kind of kid he is, he will understand why and still be appreciative as hell.

Enjoy your Sunday, and as always…Cheers!!

NOTE: If you get the chance tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight...For Details, Click HERE.

Moneypenny And Man-Boy

It is a beautiful Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio, but there is also a touch of sorrow in the air. The British Secret Service and the world has lost an integral part of the war on International Terrorism. I heard news this morning that longtime do-gooder, and James Bond confidante Mrs. Moneypenny aka Lois Maxwell, has passed away at the age of 80.

As a devotee of the early and BEST James Bond movies, I send out my condolences to her family and say “fare thee well” to her as she passes on to that great double secret Intel center in the sky. God Speed Mrs. Moneypenny, God Speed.

A brief coming of age story before our Sunday Service entreaties…

I was hanging out with my 12 year old son Ryno yesterday. He was giving me the low down about the birthday party that he attended Friday night.

He danced several times with two different girls, and the big news is that HE asked THEM to dance. I don’t know about you, but when I was 12, unless a girl asked a guy to dance, the boys and girls at a party would stand on opposite sides of the room staring at one and other with looks on their faces that only Edvard Munch could love.

My son was proud of his brazen forthrightness and declared to me, “It’s official now Dad, chicks DO dig me.” I was very proud of his accomplishment but also a bit saddened…It was at that moment that I realized that my pre-teen son was getting more action than me. Tiny, tiny tears.

And now, let us bow our heads and ask the Almighty to help us out…

May Bill O’Reilly put his foot in his mouth again this week by saying that the Buddhist monks and other pro-democracy demonstrators in Burma are nothing more than whiny-ass boat rockers…Lord Hear Our Prayer.

May a crazy, corn-fed, whack job hop on stage at a Mitt Romney campaign event in Iowa and mess up his hair…Lord Hear Our Prayer.

May my son’s luck with the ladies be transferred on to me. Lord Hear Our Prayer.

And Lastly,

Please let there be a much needed interior design explosion within Iran by allowing an influx of homosexuals into their country…Lord Hear Our Prayer.

We ask this of you Lord, Amen.

With that, enjoy your Sunday. I know I will because spaghetti is on the menu for tonight’s dinner. Cheers!!


NOTE: If you can, check out Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8PM. Details HERE…

Nervous Laughter

Tomorrow is a big day. My son Ryno will be going back to school as a seventh grader, and a couple of months later he will be a teenager…a TEENAGER. It is with great and joy, but also great trepidation that I reflect upon this fact. I had many a good time during my teen years, but these years can also be filled with heartbreak, anxiety, and acts of mischief that do not necessarily lend one’s self to getting a pat on the back from Mom, Dad, or one’s Principal.

When I am with Ryno, I am just fascinated. When I look at him it is like looking into a mirror. It annoys him when I do that, and he will often say, “Yes Dad, I know I look like you, but at least I have hair.” To which I typically reply, “Enjoy it now because when you look at my bald head you are looking at your future.” I try to offer encouragement whenever I can.

We indeed look pretty similar, but it is the utterances that emanate from his mouth that not only make me laugh, but strike fear into me as well. His biting sarcasm and wit echo the same brand of humor that got me into more than my share of trouble with teachers and my parents in my teen days. My son has a habit of correcting everybody’s grammar especially his Grandma. While I find it funny because I used to do that, most find it highly annoying. I cant wait to see the fallout when he does it to one of his English teachers.

When I was in 8th grade I got several days detention because I sang a song in the Talent Show that I was not supposed to sing. It was an old Mason Williams’ song called “Doodle Dashers”. I was such a rebel. This past year my son sang a Tom Lehrer song called “Werner Von Braun” at his Talent Show. The administration wasn’t really thrilled about it, although I thought it was gas.

I can only imagine the Principal’s reaction to Ryno’s musical number for this year’s show. My thoughtful little man has his heart on once again dipping into the Tom Lehrer songbook and singing “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park.” Can a son make a father any more proud? No, I say, and I hope he realizes how proud I am of him after he does that song, because the only people that will want to be around him will be a PETA Hit Squad.

I am not really trying make any kind of point with this post (Ed. Note: No Shit!!) other than I find it amazing it is that I can look back and see how I was some thirty years ago through the words and actions of my son. Hell, Ryno says what he thinks much like I did, and he even takes it on me. I took him out for lunch last week and I ordered Iced Tea to drink. For some reason he doesn’t find Iced Tea to be a manly drink, because he called me a “Tea Drinking Ninny”. How Sweet….

So tomorrow, the next leg of his academic and social journey begins. I already know it will start off with a bang as he has told me what the first thing he is going to say to his teachers. Saturday Ryno said to me, “You know what I am going to say to my teachers Tuesday, Dad?” Cringng, I asked, “Oh dear God, what honey?” In a dead on Mel Gibson as William Wallace accent he said, “You can take my summer, but you can’t take my FREEEEDOM.” Ah yes, let the games begin.

Cheers!!

The Little Man Cometh

Wow!! I am very appreciative of the number of suggestions that you passed along to me yesterday in order to crack the combination to my brain lock. Due to all of your suggestions, I am now suffering from sensory overload, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You guys were great and I thank you.

Between somewhat taking off the last couple of days and your comments from yesterday, it has definitely reloaded the Matt-Man. I will begin writing some fresh posts based on what you have given me. I will begin this process tomorrow. Why tomorrow, you ask?

Because my 12 year old son has finally returned to Bagwine, Ohio today after spending a two and a half week sabbatical in the Chicago area, with his Aunt, Uncle, and two cousins. Welcome Home, Littleman.

That’s it for today folks. I am off to see my sweet, sweet, little man. I’ll be around here and there later. Have a good day and if you have kids, give them a hug. If you don’t have any, hug me…

Cheers!!

10 Simple Rules

I was playing basketball with my 12 year old this weekend, and between his improving shooting skills, the man stink he was exuding as we played, and the fact that he said that he should fly to London to "comfort" Maria Sharapova after her loss, I realized something. Ryno is becoming a man.

He has hair sprouting in his armpits…specifically three under each pit. Of course, being the funny man that he is he has named each one. He loves Johnny Cash, and his favorite song by him is “Man In Black”. When I asked him why, he said, “because it means something.” I thought that was pretty mature for a kid who just finished sixth grade. He also told me that, “Dad, I am smart, I am worldly, and chicks dig me.”

With all of this and some other things he has said and done I started to think about him. I also spoke to him yesterday and he may be leaving for two weeks to spend time with his Uncle and Aunt and his two cousins in suburban Chicago beginning this weekend. I just thought maybe this was a good time to give him some rules to life. And so, following, are a few rules for my Sweetman….

1. Never back down or let anybody bully you.

2. If you do let someone bully you, offer to buy them a milkshake and lace it with Syrup of Ipecac, and watch the perpetrator throw up all afternoon.

3. When people say that you can never be in the NBA, say to them Why NOT me!!!!

4. No one can make you happy. Don’t get married in order to be happy. Marry someone AFTER you are happy with YOURSELF.

5. Be good to your wife but also keep everything in YOUR name.

6. When you go to McDonald’s tell them you want no salt on your fries. That way they will have to make a fresh batch and your fries will be hot!!

7. Know that I love you and cast doubt on people that say I am a cross-dressing serial murderer…Really.

8. In life, money isn’t everything. Just do your best at what you like and the money will come.

9. Think with the head that is on your neck and not the one below your waist.

10. If you want chicks to continue to dig you, buy a new body wash and use deodorant.

I hope that these simple tips will help my sweet son. To all of you, Cheers!!

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there. To all the dads who work on raising fine kids, and to those of you who fake smile upon receiving an ugly tie (maginificently hand-crafted by a 9 year old Burmese boy who makes 6 cents a day, and ironically has no father), I salute you. I also give a shout out to all of you fathers who don't even have any idea that you are a father.

Sure, the floozy that you impregnated during a drunken carnal carnival is going to hell for not telling you, but from me and The Almighty we say, Rock On!!

My favorite Father's Day present came from that sweet little guy on the right. About two weeks before Fathers Day three years ago, Ryno and I were throwing the football around when he asked me if I wanted a Mountan Dew. I told him that I don't drink pop too often anymore because it hurts my stomach and I already have bad teeth, but if I did have some pop it would be an ice cold Fresca which I can't seem to find anymore.

Two weeks later I went over to see him for Fathers Day. He met me at the door wearing a huge grin and holding a twelve pack of Fresca. That is carbonated love in its finest form!! So Sweetman I am giving you something this year. It is a wish from me to you, and I share it with all of the fathers and their children as well....Cheers!!

Love and Happiness

Here's a wishing well

Here's a penny for

Any thought it is

That makes you smile

Every diamond dream

Everything that brings

Love and happiness

To your life

Here's a rabbit's foot

Take it when you go

So you'll always know

You're safe from harm

Wear your ruby shoes

When you're far away

So you'll always stay

Home in your heart

You will always have a lucky star

That shines because of what you are

Even in the deepest dark

Because your aim is true

And if i could only have one wish

Darling, then it would be this

Love and happiness for you

Here's a spinning wheel

Use it once you've learned

There's a way to turn

The straw to gold

Here's a rosary

Count on every bead

With a prayer to keep

The hope you hold

You will always have a lucky star

That shines because of what you are

Even in the deepest dark

Because your aim is true

And if I could only have one wish

Darling, then it would be this

Love and happiness for you

And if I could only have one wish

Darling, then it would be this

Love and happiness for you

--Emmylou Harris From the CD "All The Roadrunning" w/ Mark Knopfler

Spare, Strike, PAIN!!

My apolgies but the Matt-Man is a broken down old man. Even at the young age of 42, my legs are killing me from bowling three games with my son yesterday. I rolled over 100 each of three games which is pretty good considering I have not bowled in four years. My son used a pink ball which was a bit disturbing until he told me that he was using it because it is Maria Sharapova's favorite color.

I took Ryno to the orthodontist this morning for braces adjustments and then we were going to go to the batting cages. He has a severe sunburn on his back from swimming Tuesday and my legs and middle finger feel broken so as we left the office we looked liked nursing home candidates as we limped to the car. We played a couple of video games instead and then decided to end our meeting by me going home and him lying on his couch. We will pick up the quality time Saturday when hopefully we will both be healed.

I know I have been quite lax in reading the blogs of you, my friends, but I will make it up tomorrow. I will also rest this afternoon and hopefully have a hilarious and thought provoking Stream of Consciousness Friday for you. In the meantime, if anyone has any vicodin that they could send my way it would be greatly appreciated.

Painfully Yours and See You Tomorrow,

Matt-Man

CHEERS!!

Shame On You Sheriff Taylor, Shame!!

It is so nice to have the internet connection re-established, and yet I will be off today. I am taking my son fishing this morning and then out to lunch. I am looking forward to it because not only is he my son, but he is smarter and more pleasant than most adults that I know. It seems appropriate to be spending time with him this week with Father’s Day coming up this Sunday. The impending Father’s Day celebration has also triggered a couple of things in my feeble mind. I wish I could go back in time and ask some of the more famous TV dads a few questions.

For instance, I would like to ask Ward Cleaver how he and June had two kids when it is quite apparent that he and June never had sex. And one other thing Ward, “Sweater Vest, really?” I need the answers. And Ozzie Nelson, did you ever get high with your son Ricky? I bet you did.

Who is the worst TV father? My money is on Mr. Drummond from “Diff'rent Strokes”. Hey Mr. Drummond do you feel bad that Kimberly died from drug abuse, Willis has been in and out of jail all of his adult life, and Arnold….well, he’s just freaky? One more thing, “What was Willis talkin’ about?”

I would like to ask Sheriff Andy Taylor, what kind of father allows his son Opie to change his name to Richie Cunningham and move to Milwaukee? Speaking of which, Mr. Cunningham what happened to your oldest, basketball playing son Chuck? We saw him on “Happy Days” twice and then poof!! Did you and Sheriff Taylor have a son switch so Chuck could move to Mayberry, N.C. and play basketball for the University of North Carolina? Aha, I think I may be on to something here!! One more thing Sheriff Taylor, did Helen Crump like to be on top?

Finally, I have a few questions for Mike Brady. Mr. Brady, how is it that…well maybe this line of questioning should be its own post, so I’ll leave it there.

Well folks, fishing and lunch today and dentist and batting cages tomorrow, so my reading and responses will be hit and miss the next couple of days…please forgive me. I do promise that if I take any worthwhile father/son pics of me and Ryno, I will post them.

Enjoy the day, and as always, Cheers!!