Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Praise The Lord And Pass The Bean Burrito

In 12 hours or so from now, I, much like Christ, will retreat into the wilderness. For forty some days I will harbor my body and soul from all temptation, cleansing myself before I begin my ministry. Much like Noah I will traverse the flooded Earth for forty days and forty nights doing God’s work. But alas, unlike Noah, my ark will be animal free, because animals are my temptation.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing until Easter Sunday, I will be eschewing meat. (For those of you who went to school down south, “eschewing meat”, means to shun or avoid meat, not to blow it out my nose.) That’s right folks; in a bold move of penitence, I am not going to eat beef, pork, chicken, or any other beast or fowl. My abstinence of meat eating will become the sustenance that feeds my pangs of contrition. (Hey, that was pretty good.) As my body rids itself of the lust inducing zoological contaminates, my soul will become pliable and ready to be molded in the image of our Maker. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Much as Moses led the Jews from bondage, my willpower and belief in the Almighty will set me free from the yoke of lust and oral sensation perpetuated by the smell of bacon frying or the beautiful, yet unholy sight of a hot, juicy Wendy’s Double with mayo, mustard, pickles, tomato, and cheese. It will not be easy. I will be tempted. Satan will attack me in the form of Dave Thomas holding a Bacon Junior Cheeseburger saying in his affable grandfatherly manner, “Eat Me Matt, you know you want to.” But I will remain steadfast, and say unto the malignant meat marketer, “I rebuke you Dave. I rebuke you Satan and your juicy goodness. In the name of the Father, the Son, and Alyssa Milano, I cast you back into the nether regions.”

Your meat is no good here Satan. Beans, rice, grilled cheese, and an occasional visit to Mrs. Paul, patron Saint of Fishsticks, are my calling. Lure and tempt me as you will, but I am shielded by the grace of God, and a bowl of Black Beans with sour cream on top. As the Easter Triduum draws nigh hit me with your best shot…fill my dreams with visions of rare prime rib, turn my bed into a charbroil grill that smells of sausage patties and ribeye steak, you can even leave a can of SPAM…you heard me right SPAM, the Matt-Man’s manna, in my mailbox. Your attempts to cruci-fry me will be unsuccessful.

And when this sojourn is over my ministry shall begin. With capillaries wide open, and my bowels feeling firm from the fiber, Christ Almighty and I are going to storm the Trinity Broadcasting Network offices and replace the thieving meat eaters with faithful vegetarians. Paul and Jan Crouch will be replaced by Captain and Tennille. Paula White gone, say hello to Tippi Hedren. Benny Hinn…sorry pal, but Elvis Costello is getting’ your jet. And lastly, Pastor Rod “I Eat Meat Not” Parsley, give Alec Baldwin a hearty handshake. And the congregation said, “Amen.”

My work of faith complete I will then retire to live out my remaining days sitting next to the Lord eating bratwurst and White Castle Hamburgers. If one follows God, heaven is a good place indeed.

Cheers…

And Now…The Gospel According to Alyssa Milano:

“I turned vegetarian after 9/11. A friend of mine came back from New York and said that he couldn't stand the smell of burnt flesh. It immediately reminded me of a barbecue.”

--Alyssa Milano

20 comments:

RW said...

This is going to be a classic post!! Hell you could make that in to a movie! Thank God I am not Catholic I don't think that I could go with out...good luck to you Matt-man

Schmoop said...

Ha...Thanks Roger. I did it last Lent after the first couple of weeks it gets easier.

Liz Hill said...

I agree with Roger. This is a classic Matty! And I can't believe she actually said that. Oh my. Well at least you can still have pie--just not sheperd's pie. hehehe

jillie said...

Well if you're going to be eating all of those beans...just make sure that you're walking BEHIND everyone and NOT in front of them...LMAO

Schmoop said...

Thanks TB...Unfortunately she did in fact say that. But she still has a nice medically altered rack!!

Schmoop said...

I'll try Jillie, but if I get meatless grumpies, all bets are off.

The Boy said...

I don't know whether to be impressed or appalled. Giving up meat for Lent? Blimey, its supposed to be something minor like chocolate or stepping on cracks when you compulsively miss them.

Schmoop said...

Hiya Stranger!! If I'm gonna do it Boy, I'm gonna do it big. Cheers to ya!!

Desert Songbird said...

Ya know, for a fallen away Catholic, you sure do it up big time for Lent! You're cracking me up.

I'm thinking of giving up sarcasm for Lent...now THAT would be huge sacrifice for me!

Schmoop said...

Holy Crap Songbird...You would be a saint if you could pull that off. But i think you would spontaneously combust in the process.

Mo and The Purries said...

Holy Hot Dogs, Matty, here I am craving a pork chop and you're gonna give up meat.
Right now I think I'd rather give up oxygen.
What's the point of breathing if you can't have a double cheeseburger?
Good Gravy (on a salisbury steak) I wish you the best, but as fried Spam is my witness, I'm gonna be torturing you like a rack of BBQ ribs over this one!

Laura said...

Matt-Man - I wish you a speedy, happy meat-free time. At least you'll still have your own meat to play with, right? That's all you really need.

After this post, I really want a bacon cheeseburger. But I want one of those anyway because I'm going to have to come up with another meal sans dairy, gluten, and corn for another boring dinner the boys won't like, and Hubby will only eat because he's really hungry. If I claim we're giving it all up for Lent, will I have a cleansed soul to match my son's cleansed bowels?

Travis Cody said...

Can I put in a voucher for Matt's share of the steak and roast beef and BBQ ribs and bologna sammiches?

Sorry dude - can't let it spoil now.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

pssssssssssssssssst

hey kid.. c'mere/// look what I gots fer ya... c'mer around the corner...

yeah looks like meat..smells like meat... but it ain't.. it's fake meat yeah kiddo ya ain't goin ta hell if ya eat it
tofturkey..

then I gots this stuff for ya kid.. here take a gander:
Quorn is "the processed cellular mass that is obtained from the filamentous fungus Fusarium venenatum strain PTA-2684," according to the manufacturer's application to the FDA. The fungus by-product was approved in the U.K. in 1985 and is the top-selling meat substitute in Europe.

I gots ya covered kid... ya still gets in the pearly gates...

Cheesy said...

MattM!!~~ I'm so relieved you aren't giving up eating cheese for lent!

If ya need a meat hit.. just revisit that beauty of a steak on my BBQ post! I think I installed the scratch and sniff to the link?

hehhehe mean lil' wench aren't I?

Desert Songbird said...

Gawd, Bond is killing me. That is just nasty! Gack!

Lizza said...

No meat for 40 days and 40 nights? Wow. Will you be eschewing WIR too?

Schmoop said...

Mo: You're brutal, but I wouldnt expect anything less from someone in their 40s.

Laura: Me and my meat are and will be close lifetime friends. And no, God would see through your ruse.

Travis: Dont mention Bologna, it's nearly as good as SPAM!!

Bond: "Quorn"...I bet it tastes like chicken.

Cheesy: Mmmmmmmmmm Cheese.

Lizza: That is correct no meat until Easter. But give up Rose!!? Silly girl.

Janna said...

TEN YUMMY VEGETARIAN THINGS:
1) Cheese enchiladas and mexican seasoned rice
2) Five-alarm bean chili
3) Grilled cheese sandwiches
4) Hot szechuan stir-fry vegetables with rice and a vegetarian egg roll
5) Macaroni and cheese
6) Spaghetti and marinara sauce with garlic bread
7) French fries with plenty of ketchup!
8) Pizza with olives, hot peppers, mushrooms
9) Pasta primavera
10) Fettucine alfredo

Try them all.
I seem to vaguely remember you saying you gave up pasta, or something like that... hopefully you were either drunk or just joking (or both), because holy crap, man, you can only give up so much before life is no longer worth living!!!!!

CS said...

I found this via Lizza'a blog. I've not eaten non-fish meat in years, so I can tell you there's lots of other good food out there. I gave up chocolate for Lent one year, and then all sweets the next. Wasn't easy. Now I've just given up Lent, which seems not to be a struggle at all. Good luck to you!