A TRUE American Treasure

I have been wondering about what I should do while in Washington D.C. this weekend. I arrive Thursday afternoon and my nephew’s wedding isn’t until Saturday so I have some time on my hands. Oh how the possibilities abound.

I could go see the various landmarks such as the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, or the lesser known Millard Fillmore Perpetual Ember of Obscurity. I could walk down to Capitol Hill and listen to the likes of Senators Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd cursing out the President’s Iraq “strategy”, while Senator Sam Brownback sits on a bench eating a well balanced lunch as he reads his Bible.

Impressive stuff, but I want excitement, and what is more exciting than partying with former D.C. Mayor and current Council Member Marion Barry…The Rick James of Politics.

Oh sure I know what you’re thinkin’, at 71 years of age Marion Barry may be passed his partying prime, but you know what he’d say to you about that, “I’m Marion Barry, Bitch.” Him and I could hook up at some trendy D.C. eatery/bar and begin our all out assault on the night life of our nation’s capital. We’d sit at the table and shoot the shit over a few drinks and a plateful of oysters and caviar, and the best thing is he could pay the tab with his District of Columbia credit card. Of course, Mr. Barry getting up to go to the bathroom “to make a call” every fifteen minutes would be a touch annoying. But what the hell, I’d be partying with THE man.

I can, however, foresee some problems. For instance, I can hear him now when his credit card gets rejected. “What the hell bitch, I’m Marion Barry. Damn bitch set me up, Matt-Man.” And then he would go to the bathroom again “to make a call” in order to clear things up. Knowing well how the Crack Man operates, I would excuse myself and sneak out, meeting up with Marion in the alley behind the restaurant. Too cool…it would make a great movie, The Crack Man and The Bag Man starring in “D.C. Dine and Dash.”

We could go to “Capitol City Poll Dancing”…Where sexy ladies hold erections every night…well, for a fee. After that, Marion could take me on a tour of the city. It would be cool to see the hotel room where he got in trouble for smoking crack with a hooker. I would stand in awe, and say something like, “So this is where it all went down?” And he’d reply, “Yep Matt, this is where the bitch set me up.” After taking it all in, I’d ask what’s next? He would reply, “Hold on a second Matt-Man, I have to go to the bathroom to make a call.” Upon his return, he would say, “Sorry man, but I am all out of…I mean I gotta go see a lady friend of mine. My buddy Chip here will get you back to your hotel. Sorry to cut it short my man.” I’d thank him, shake his hand, and Chip would drive me back to my hotel.

I can see it now. When I entered the lobby the person at the desk would say, “Matt-Man, we have a message for you.” I’d open the message and it would read:

Matt-Man, Come down to the K Street Police Station and bail me out…The Bitch Set Me Up…Again!!

--MB

Nation’s Capital…You can keep your Smithsonian, your Library of Congress, even your White House tour. The Matt-Man is coming to town and he wants to party with true greatness. I want to see D.C. through the eyes of Marion Barry.

Cheers!!

And Now…A Quote From the Man Dedicated to His Party(ing)

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

-- M. Barry, Former Mayor of Washington, DC