Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Beach Blanket No-No

It’s such a dreary day today that I thought I would lift my spirits by posting something from a time past. I really enjoy fishing. I have commented before how I love to fish especially when the big orange lipped carp are engaging in fish sex. They wallow around in the shallows, the males trying to lure in a hot female with his crank bait, tossing out some cheesy line in carp-speak. It is a lovely ritual that harkens in Spring. It also reminds me of something that happened to me many, many moons ago.

I guess I was about 17 years old and one late June afternoon my girlfriend at the time and I made our way to a secluded cove at the local State Park to fish. Well, actually I was fishing and she sat on a blanket and read, but you get the picture. I was catching a few here and there and having a good time. I turned to Sherri at one point to show her a pretty good sized bass that I had caught and lo and behold there she sat.

She sat there staring at me, smiling. Her legs spread provocatively and her shirt unbuttoned revealing her lacy red bra and glistening cleavage. Boo Yah…I could hear the wocka wocka guitar music from every low budget porn movie I had seen blaring in my head. I could feel a pup tent erecting itself in my shorts. I put down my rod, (no, not that one silly, my fishing rod) and lay down next to her. My lips pressed against hers. My hands began caressing her perky nubile breasts. My tongue licking the salty sweat from her---Well you get the picture.

We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys in a mangrove swamp. Our warm bodies rolling around on white sand and our secret protected by the seclusion and the dense canopy of the cove. It was glorious, and an example of young love at its most passionate. As we neared the state of climactic euphoria, we simultaneously moaned and screamed, for it was at that moment that we discovered that we were both covered in ticks. That’s right, blood sucking, disease laden ticks.

We were mortified to say the least. My anxious dork went from being a tribute to teenage virility to being a shrunken cowering nob. We picked ticks from each others most intimate parts like baboons giving each other a rinse and set. It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.

For two weeks after the fiasco, we still felt ticks crawling on us although it was just our minds trying to process the events. I have recovered for the most part, but to this day, whenever someone mentions lyme disease or spotted fever I cross my legs and let out a little whimper. I tell you this now in order to prevent it from happening to you.

Until the next time…
Cheers!!

31 comments:

Odat said...

Lyme disease, spotted fever. ;-)

Peace

Schmoop said...

It was a most horrific experience Odat.

Desert Songbird said...

Ewww....this is NOT what I was expecting at all.....ewwwwww....

Now I have the heebie jeebies and the creepy crawlies....

Thanks alot, Matty me boy. A warning would have been nice. Oh wait, that's right, you don't do warnings!

Schmoop said...

How do you think I feel Songbird? I would have liked a warning whenit happened to me!!

Deb said...

Wait- is this a monkey- I mean, the picture? And if it is, I hope that your 'rod' was bigger than his nose! ;)

OWWWWWWW is all I have to say to this story!!! You guys gotta get a room at the Marriott instead of this outdoor crap! Unt-uhh!

Tiggerlane said...

Now I have the creepy crawlies....{{shudder}}.

We still have a month or two of outdoor fun until the ticks arrive, correct?

Schmoop said...

It's a Proboscis Monkey Deb...And two horny teenagers never have the patience or the cash to go get a room!!

Tigger: At least here in Ohio they start showing up Late June-Early July...I was shuddering just typing it. Cheers!!

Unknown said...

Oh my god... that's the shit they never mention in the movies. Kind of like when you're getting it on in a golf course sandtrap at night, they never mention bloody knees and sand in every crevice. lol

jillie said...

OMG...I am laughing at that picture. When I can control it...I'll come back to read the story.

What in the world is that thing?

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

There you go...another form of birth control for the youth of our country... "Don't do it outdoors or the ticks will get ya"

Lee Ann aka Dixie said...

That wasn't what I was expecting at all.... *buwhahahahahahaha* I can just see it now.... *snorts*

I agree with bond... an excellent idea... maybe we should market this form of birth control ... suppose you could be the spokesman? ;-)

Schmoop said...

Allie: Exactly, but I'll take sand over blood sucking ticks any day...Fore!!

Jillie: It's a Proboscis Monkey indiginous to Borneo. Matt "Marlon Perkins" Man. Cheers!!

Bond: Tommy Tick Says: "Enjoy the outdoors responsibly and avoid testicular lyme disease."

Dixie: I will have to work on a promotion for that. And while we can laugh about it now, it wasnt funny then. Cheers!!

Laura said...

Ewww! My skin is crawling now, too. Kinda reminds me of the scene in "Stand By Me" where the boys wade through a pond and realize they are soon covered in leaches , and one boy gets one in a very special place. More skin crawling.

Schmoop said...

It was creepy Laura. We imagined still being tick covered may days later. Ooooga-Mooga

Lisa Ryan said...

LOL! awww and everything going so well. thanks for the warning. ;-)
great story.

Unknown said...

Awwwww... you(r) poor thing!

There´s a quite similar record in Sanni´s Teenie Diary.
Leading parts: Torsten and Sanni
underparts: let´s say "a few" ants... a few hundreds...

So I can feel your pain.

Janna said...

Eeeewww.
Thanks for this insight into what makes you "tick".
(!!!!)

Schmoop said...

Hey Welcome back Lisa I hope you didnt have a similar time down in Key West!!

Sanni: I hope they werent carpenter ants because they would have eaten your man's woody!!

Janna; I trust you went and had your affliction taken care of. I hope everything is better.

Travis Cody said...

GACK! Dude!

I don't even have a joke for that.

Cheesy said...

I must be feeling better ... I am somehow strangely aroused!

:o)

Anonymous said...

Ohhh, what a good-bad experience Matt! Just goes to show how Mother Nature (bountiful as she is) can be a party pooper sometimes.

The Boy said...

Oh my.

I shouldn't laugh, but... Oh my.

Schmoop said...

Well Travis I had no joke for it at the time it happenend either. Cheers

Cheesy: Glad to hear that you and your tick fetish are on the mend.

Lizza: I think she was jealous. Good to hear from you.

Boy: Long time no see. Hope all is well I must stop by soon. Cheers!!

jbwritergirl said...

I hope you at least got to...finish! Otherwise you would have been 'ticked' off for other reasons.

Schmoop said...

JB!! I have been meaning to get in touch with you since your return to the blogosphere. This weekend I will link you back up and stop by....And no, I didnt get to finish dammit!!

Deb said...

You're right! I remember my "forest" days too! But a blanket came in handy! ;)

Schmoop said...

We had a blanket but just couldnt keep ourselves on it or the ticks off of it!!

jillie said...

It's the Jimmy Durante of monkeys...I'm still cracking up every time I look at that picture!

Schmoop said...

By God you hit it on the head..er...nose... Jillie!!

Anndi said...

Hmmm... you are original... most people just get crabs...

Schmoop said...

I try to be on the cutting edge Anndi.