From Patriots To Pud-Whackers

I am taking a road trip today. It is time to pick up some fireworks for the big 231st birthday celebration of the grand old U.S.A. next Wednesday. I believe it was John Adams who suggested that July 4th be celebrated with parades, drink, music, and fireworks. God Bless You, Mr. Adams, you knew how to party. I bet you and Abigail were colonial porn stars in bed, in spite of the rumors that when engaging in sex, ol’ Abby fantasized about Ben Franklin…but I digress.

I feel compelled to go get some fireworks in honor of John Adams, in order to applaud his pursuit of freedom. Of course, fireworks are illegal around here as well as in most communities in our great country. I find that ironic. In fact, I find many ironies between the America of 200 and some years ago and today.

For instance, back during the Revolution, families were proud to send their teenage sons off to fight for the cause of freedom. Today, they are not allowed to ride their bikes without a helmet or play video games deemed too violent. In just a couple of centuries our young boys have gone from being brave, flintlock toting patriots to molly-coddled suburbanite wussies. Sad.

Washington and Jefferson were proud purveyors of fine tobacco products. Today, they would be filing for bankruptcy protection because Americans are now only permitted to smoke in their bathrooms with the door locked and the lights out. Speaking of Jefferson, in his day he was able to get elected President twice all the while having sex with his slaves. Today our Congress and a good portion of the electorate get upset when our President get s a blow job from a chubby chick in the Oval Office. WTF? Grow up America.

Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry…enough with your publications and hate filled political diatribes. Your words are not politically correct and hurt peoples’ feelings. For Shame!! That’s what we would certainly hear today. Can this great country ever find it’s swagger again?

Over two centuries ago we took on the mightiest army in the world to gain independence and won. Four years ago we went to war with a third rate dictatorship. Oh sure it made for a good campaign ad, Toby Keith got a hit record, and Lee Greenwood raked in royalties for “God Bless the USA.” , but we cant get the hell out. Just like the youth of today our “leaders” have become wimpy, self-serving, fucktards. If we continue down this path, in five years we could be successfully attacked by Canada. Canada!!

So this Fourth of July I am going old school. I am going to light illegal fireworks and make my son ride his bike in heavy traffic without a helmet on. I may even declare my candidacy for President, and if I do I will do it on national TV while drinking a bottle of Sam Adams, smoking a cigarette, and having sex with a Wal*Mart worker. (It’s the closest thing to a slave I could find.)

So there you are folks, please join me in becoming a Neo-American Patriot. Cheers!!

NOTE: Make sure to check out Mo’s Blog Radio Show tonight…Click HERE for details.