Tuesday, June 26, 2007

From Patriots To Pud-Whackers

I am taking a road trip today. It is time to pick up some fireworks for the big 231st birthday celebration of the grand old U.S.A. next Wednesday. I believe it was John Adams who suggested that July 4th be celebrated with parades, drink, music, and fireworks. God Bless You, Mr. Adams, you knew how to party. I bet you and Abigail were colonial porn stars in bed, in spite of the rumors that when engaging in sex, ol’ Abby fantasized about Ben Franklin…but I digress.

I feel compelled to go get some fireworks in honor of John Adams, in order to applaud his pursuit of freedom. Of course, fireworks are illegal around here as well as in most communities in our great country. I find that ironic. In fact, I find many ironies between the America of 200 and some years ago and today.

For instance, back during the Revolution, families were proud to send their teenage sons off to fight for the cause of freedom. Today, they are not allowed to ride their bikes without a helmet or play video games deemed too violent. In just a couple of centuries our young boys have gone from being brave, flintlock toting patriots to molly-coddled suburbanite wussies. Sad.

Washington and Jefferson were proud purveyors of fine tobacco products. Today, they would be filing for bankruptcy protection because Americans are now only permitted to smoke in their bathrooms with the door locked and the lights out. Speaking of Jefferson, in his day he was able to get elected President twice all the while having sex with his slaves. Today our Congress and a good portion of the electorate get upset when our President get s a blow job from a chubby chick in the Oval Office. WTF? Grow up America.

Thomas Paine, Patrick Henry…enough with your publications and hate filled political diatribes. Your words are not politically correct and hurt peoples’ feelings. For Shame!! That’s what we would certainly hear today. Can this great country ever find it’s swagger again?

Over two centuries ago we took on the mightiest army in the world to gain independence and won. Four years ago we went to war with a third rate dictatorship. Oh sure it made for a good campaign ad, Toby Keith got a hit record, and Lee Greenwood raked in royalties for “God Bless the USA.” , but we cant get the hell out. Just like the youth of today our “leaders” have become wimpy, self-serving, fucktards. If we continue down this path, in five years we could be successfully attacked by Canada. Canada!!

So this Fourth of July I am going old school. I am going to light illegal fireworks and make my son ride his bike in heavy traffic without a helmet on. I may even declare my candidacy for President, and if I do I will do it on national TV while drinking a bottle of Sam Adams, smoking a cigarette, and having sex with a Wal*Mart worker. (It’s the closest thing to a slave I could find.)

So there you are folks, please join me in becoming a Neo-American Patriot. Cheers!!

NOTE: Make sure to check out Mo’s Blog Radio Show tonight…Click HERE for details.

36 comments:

Liz Hill said...

LOL!!

Awesome RANT!!

Are you driving to Tennessee?

Schmoop said...

Indiana TB, and Thanks!!

Desert Songbird said...

Hey - I'm early! One of the advantages of not feeling well and not being able to sleep, I reckon.

Driving to Indiana for illegal fireworks? WTF? Wouldn't Kentucky be a better bet?

This post is classic Matt-Man. Seems like you've found your groove again, babe.

Schmoop said...

Get Better Songbird. This place in Indiana is only about 50 minutes away. And yes, I was in a bit of an idea funk but Im pretty sure its gone. Cheers!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Matt-Man...rolling and tumblin' along the groove that are your brain cells can be a wonderful thing...today it was...

Schmoop said...

Why thank ya Bond, and please keep your hands off of my hot wings.

Merritt Fields said...

We get our fireworks in South Carolina...they're legal there.

I love your little history lesson Matt...it's so very YOU!!

Schmoop said...

Aisby: You being a history teacher I appreciate your comment...I think. Cheers!!

Natalia said...

I am not gonna buy any fireworks. And I don't own a bike to have a helmet to go with it.

I might go to a barbecue. But I'd rather take my day off and sleep.

-N

Schmoop said...

Ha...You're such a rebel Nat. Cheers!!

Odat said...

Those were the good ole days!!!!
(I feel a song coming on!)
Peace

Schmoop said...

Damn Straight Odat, start singin'. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

A big part of the celebration back then was the reciting, from memory, the Declaration of Independance... sadly, I have no children in the house this year to torture this way.

Please don't set your fireworks off at three in the morning... your nieghbors will be tempted to exact vengance with thier car alarms for the rest of the year... At least we often are.

Lee Ann aka Dixie said...

Thank goodness fireworks are legal in the rural areas. We spend waaaaaaayyyyy too much money every year on fireworks, but they are soooooooo much fun.

Have fun!

Merritt Fields said...

marilyn has a great idea...I think I will have my children learn the D.O.I. on the way to the beach. We have a nice 5 hour long drive during which I can torture them.

Durward Discussion said...

Matt-Man,

If you have ever read the letters between John and Abigail Adams it's no mystery where all those children came from despite his often being away from home for long periods of time. There may have been deep snow in Massachusetts, but there was plenty of heat indoors.

Unknown said...

You should come to Washington. The legal fireworks here are illegal in most states, and the ones that are considered illegal are available for purchase at the friendly neighborhood Indian res. Niiiice.... ;) My dad and I used to go to the fireworks factory in Union to get our contraband.

Beautiful rant, dear. The last line about sex with a Wal Mart worker was a real corker. LOL!

The Boy said...

There was a great best seller in England last year, the Dangerous Book for Boys. Its full of useless facts and plans for things like sling shots and tree houses. I've been working it through with my boys. Great great fun, kids need a bit of real risk in life.

Schmoop said...

Grab a hold a hold of a neighbor's kid and inculcate the document into his or her little mind Marilyn.

Dixie: The goods arent legal here but the cops are pretty cool if you're not lighting them off past midnight or so. Cheers!!

Aisby: A history teacher never takes vacation do they? So sweet of you to do that.

Jamie: Indeed, and Abigail was certainly not a stereotypical Colonial wife. She spoke her mind to John quite aptly.

Allie: I'll just take my chances and pull out my bottle rocket here. Thanks, I liked that line. Cheers!!

Boy: Sounds like a great book. I'll make sure to check it out. Cheers!!

Unknown said...

You´ll get my vote!
You know I love ya, but I hope you do´t mind I´m not gonna work for Walmart *LOL*

Julie said...

"...wimpy, self-serving fucktards."

Primo my friend!

We always buy local and forge the paperwork! Woo!!! Hubby paid last year for the indiscretion though...nearly shot himself with a backfire! Ever seen a grown man tear up over pain....and see the wife with giggle tears at the same time?

Schmoop said...

Sanni I would never expect you to work for Wal*Mart, they are so incredibly undeserving of your hotness!! Cheers...

Julie: My brother lit a bottle rocket once and let it go from his hand. It landed in the pocket of my jacket and blew up..A classic!! Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Oh A-to the fucking-men, Matt! Political correctness is getting to the point of ridiculousness. And it is turning guys into pusses. Which is probably why bad boys get all the play ;)

Schmoop said...

Well I'm bad Starrlight and all I get is a game of Yahtzee. What's up with that!!?

LZ Blogger said...

Who know those revolutionaries were such PARTY ANIMALS!? ~ jb///

Schmoop said...

I think it was in their blood lz, thanks for stopping by and find that in yourself if you havent already..Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

It's the robe, Matt :P

Sparky Duck said...

I proudly smoke out on the front porch, not because my wife makes me, but because I am a patriot.

Travis Cody said...

The one thing I'm going to miss about my third floor apartment is being able to see fireworks all up and down Lake Washington, from Tacoma clear past Seattle.

I've always lived in places where we could go to see the big fireworks displays, so we never did them at home.

Cheers!

Schmoop said...

Ahhhh the robe...Thanks for the info Starr.

Sparky: I salute you!! Smoke em' if ya got em'. Cheers!!

Trav: They do a good display here, but I like lighting them off myself as well. Cheers!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

WTF...WHERE THE HELL ARE YA?

Schmoop said...

I'm debating a lifestyle change Bond.

Lisa Ryan said...

I am all OVER those fireworks. I just drove my mom up from Florida and we stopped in PA to load the car with all kinds of bigass illegal shit to fire off. I cannot wait. Excellent rant here Matt-man.

Schmoop said...

Hot Damn, good job Lisa and good to see you back. Cheers Sexy!!

Mo and The Purries said...

What is it about Indiana that makes it the Fireworks capital of the known world? You live about 40 minutes from the Indiana border.
I live about 40 minutes from another Indiana border.
End of June Field Trips = going to the border for Fireworks!

What did people who want to blow up family members and piss off the neighbors do before Indiana came along with their lax fireworks laws?

katherine. said...

In June of 2001, I had mentioned to my Grampa who lives in Indiana that I couldn't buy fireworks out here in California. So since he LOVES me sooooo much....when he came out for Father's Day he brought me a huge box...ON THE AIRPLANE!!!!