I was playing basketball with my 12 year old this weekend, and between his improving shooting skills, the man stink he was exuding as we played, and the fact that he said that he should fly to London to "comfort" Maria Sharapova after her loss, I realized something. Ryno is becoming a man.He has hair sprouting in his armpits…specifically three under each pit. Of course, being the funny man that he is he has named each one. He loves Johnny Cash, and his favorite song by him is “Man In Black”. When I asked him why, he said, “because it means something.” I thought that was pretty mature for a kid who just finished sixth grade. He also told me that, “Dad, I am smart, I am worldly, and chicks dig me.”
With all of this and some other things he has said and done I started to think about him. I also spoke to him yesterday and he may be leaving for two weeks to spend time with his Uncle and Aunt and his two cousins in suburban Chicago beginning this weekend. I just thought maybe this was a good time to give him some rules to life. And so, following, are a few rules for my Sweetman….
1. Never back down or let anybody bully you.
2. If you do let someone bully you, offer to buy them a milkshake and lace it with Syrup of Ipecac, and watch the perpetrator throw up all afternoon.
3. When people say that you can never be in the NBA, say to them Why NOT me!!!!
4. No one can make you happy. Don’t get married in order to be happy. Marry someone AFTER you are happy with YOURSELF.
5. Be good to your wife but also keep everything in YOUR name.
6. When you go to McDonald’s tell them you want no salt on your fries. That way they will have to make a fresh batch and your fries will be hot!!
7. Know that I love you and cast doubt on people that say I am a cross-dressing serial murderer…Really.
8. In life, money isn’t everything. Just do your best at what you like and the money will come.
9. Think with the head that is on your neck and not the one below your waist.
10. If you want chicks to continue to dig you, buy a new body wash and use deodorant.
I hope that these simple tips will help my sweet son. To all of you, Cheers!!
37 comments:
He sounds like he doesn't need any advice....he's got his mojo working already!!!!!!
Peace
It makes me giggle to think Ryan isn't lacking in the wit, humor, and talent departments. Wishing him a great trip to Chicago!
Priceless tips to give to your son, Matt. But you have to practice #10 too...set a good example for Ryno, you hear? ;-) Cheers!
Odat: He does indeed, but just like me at that age he thinks he knows it all. Cheers!!
Lizza: I am very very clean. In case you want to check it out, you are welcome to. Cheers!!
Great advice for the little man Matt. :D
He sounds very wise beyond his years. Here's hoping the hormones don't change that.
Thanks Angell, I hope his hormones dont get out of hand like mine. Actually, maybe I want his hormones to stay in his hands until he's 30. ; ) Cheers!!
Excellent advice, both practical AND whimsical. Cause without both, life just sucks ya know?
You are one smart daddy-oh!
I'mmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaackkkkkkkkkk!!!
Aww this was just too precious. I am so impressed MattManiac! So you know how to get fresh hot steamy french fries! Woohoo!!
Did he have any response to dad's words of wisdom? Oh and don't forget to toss him a roll of paper towels!
Starrlight: I just wish I was as wise and smart as he is at his age. He does however, have a sweeter heart than I, and I can see him getting his heart broken too many times. Cheers!!
So, do you heed your own advice?
Dixie: I know you are, and you owe us all naked poole pics baby!!
Julie: He still remembers what I told him when he was four and spent a day on an informational picket in front of a non-union nursing home. The Director came out and said she was calling the cops and he cried. I said to him, "If you're doing the right thing there is nothing to be afraid of." He still brings that up!!
Songbird: You know me well enough to know that I NEVER take my own advice!!....Well except for the fries...
Life is the greatest adventure you'll ever be on.Scary? Yes. Exciting? Definitely.And no one in the universe has the exact same mixture of DNA as he has--He is unique. Both Son1 and Son2 got that advice in their graduation cards from me and they now carry it in their wallets.
PS Look at me-all serious!
Aw, I loved them!
Metalmom: You're sooooo sexy when you are serious...
Jess; Hey there stranger, thanks for stopping by. Just trying to get him some hot fries. Cheers!!
Songbird: Yes, I always say fries with no salt.
Ah, 3 armpit hairs and that whiff of the need for the first deodorant.
They grow up so fast...
Mo: I am sooooo proud!!
Terrific advice!
Hammer: What? You think you should name your armpit hairs too?
does your son read you blog?
(if you think 12 years old smell...wait till he's 16...I've been known to just throw clothes away so they don't ruin the washing machine.)
Oh I hear you on that one Matt. But if your kid is like you, I think he will have the testicular fortitude to make it through the rough spots.
Plus he has you to take him bowling and from what you say, that is a funny site :P
It is my hope that you are practicing what you preach, Matt-Man. Particularly #10. ;)
Katherine: If my son read my blog I would turn myself into authorities.
Starrlight; Even though I am the person that I am , I used to be a pussy. So I hope he figures out sooner than I.
Allie: I smell goooood wanna smell me!!?
matt-man your tips are the BEST. I never knew that about the french fries! woooo hooo. hot. fresh. fries. (oh, and you're a good dad)
I´m sure you are beaming with pride, my friend!
Hope it´s okay I´ll adopt #6 without calling you "Daddy"?
Hey, you forgot to tell him to measure twice and cut once. You know, for everyting. Girls, cars and whatever else.
Badway
Lisa: I used to work fast food in High School, so I knew that one.
Sanni: Never using number six or not, I hope you always call me "daddy".
Nick; I cant teach him something I dont practice.!!
Regarding #10, while it is helpful to buy the new body wash, the next step in that process is to actually get in the shower often and USE the body wash.
Deoderant is only so forgiving.
Oh...being aware that chicks dig you is half the battle.
Cheers!
Ya were? See I was a doormat until I was 30 :P
I want to hear what your ten rules would have been if you had a daughter?
I wish more men followed rule number 9!
Always in your own name! Words to live by. And Tag works wonders
Travis: It is a chellenge to get him into the tub at times.
Starrlight: About 33 here!!
Raven: It took me about thirty five years to learn that one.
Sparky: I found that out far too late in life!!
#4 perfect....
Very amusing! When I was trying to teach my grandson the facts of life one day...don't let anyone touch you anywhere, etc...I went on and on, and after awhile my 12 yr old grandson just rolled his eyes, and said, don't worry,,,nanny,,,,I got it! Dickies are for chickies!
I like your blog. I'll be back!
HA!! Good story and thanks for stopping Matty....Good name by the way. Cheers!! I'll stop by yours soon myself.
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