On The Auction Block: Lot #2

Folks, it is your lucky day. Not only are the items in the post below up for auction, Schmoop has put up a very special item for auction as well so she can take that well needed long weekend. That’s right, Matt-Man is officially on the auction block and any and all bids will be considered.

The following description should help you to determine if Matt-Man, or as it is officially listed, Long Weekend Auction Lot #2, is something upon you may want to bid…

Matt-Man is a used up strapping young 42 year old male. He stands 6 foot tall and weighs 200 pounds plus or minus four pounds depending on whether he just made a run to Taco Bell after an especially bad hangover. He has very little brown hair and hazel eyes which turn a most unusual shade of gold when tying one on.

One selling point is that within three or four years he will have lost his teeth so the food bills will be easy on the wallet. And while he has bad teeth, you can tell by the picture that Mr. Matt is quite hygienic. In fact, he spends much more time in the shower than most people. He gets so clean he can be heard to moan while bathing.

Lot #2 cooks very well, takes out the trash, washes dishes, and occasionally cleans the house. One of the best things is that ladies, you can skip the emotionally draining fights with him because he sleeps on the couch every night!!

As far his bedroom prowess, you’ll be interested to know that this man really knows how to use his tongue, if you know what I mean. He is very, very generous with it. However, you need to catch him early in the evening because if you wait too long you will find yourself looking down at him snoring with his face buried between your legs with Wild Irish Rose drool flowing down his chin.

On the down side…While he sings pretty well, he never knows the lyrics. Example, “Take a letter Maria, address it to yourself.” Ai yi yi. He thinks he is much funnier than he really is, and he has a tendency to stand in front of the window scratching his nuts for all the world to see.

He also suffers from Roid Rage. Not the kind that compels Canadian wrestlers to kill themselves and their families, but rather the type that results from sitting too long and having his ass-grapes flare up resulting in irritation and weeping.

So there you have it, a brief description of Lot #2, i.e. The Matt-Man…If you are interested, place your bid. All sales are final, and shipping is strictly the responsibility of the bidder. Please help Schmoop restore her sanity with your bid.

Cheers!!