Thursday, July 05, 2007

On The Auction Block: Lot #2

Folks, it is your lucky day. Not only are the items in the post below up for auction, Schmoop has put up a very special item for auction as well so she can take that well needed long weekend. That’s right, Matt-Man is officially on the auction block and any and all bids will be considered.

The following description should help you to determine if Matt-Man, or as it is officially listed, Long Weekend Auction Lot #2, is something upon you may want to bid…


Matt-Man is a used up strapping young 42 year old male. He stands 6 foot tall and weighs 200 pounds plus or minus four pounds depending on whether he just made a run to Taco Bell after an especially bad hangover. He has very little brown hair and hazel eyes which turn a most unusual shade of gold when tying one on.

One selling point is that within three or four years he will have lost his teeth so the food bills will be easy on the wallet. And while he has bad teeth, you can tell by the picture that Mr. Matt is quite hygienic. In fact, he spends much more time in the shower than most people. He gets so clean he can be heard to moan while bathing.

Lot #2 cooks very well, takes out the trash, washes dishes, and occasionally cleans the house. One of the best things is that ladies, you can skip the emotionally draining fights with him because he sleeps on the couch every night!!

As far his bedroom prowess, you’ll be interested to know that this man really knows how to use his tongue, if you know what I mean. He is very, very generous with it. However, you need to catch him early in the evening because if you wait too long you will find yourself looking down at him snoring with his face buried between your legs with Wild Irish Rose drool flowing down his chin.

On the down side…While he sings pretty well, he never knows the lyrics. Example, “Take a letter Maria, address it to yourself.” Ai yi yi. He thinks he is much funnier than he really is, and he has a tendency to stand in front of the window scratching his nuts for all the world to see.

He also suffers from Roid Rage. Not the kind that compels Canadian wrestlers to kill themselves and their families, but rather the type that results from sitting too long and having his ass-grapes flare up resulting in irritation and weeping.

So there you have it, a brief description of Lot #2, i.e. The Matt-Man…If you are interested, place your bid. All sales are final, and shipping is strictly the responsibility of the bidder. Please help Schmoop restore her sanity with your bid.

Cheers!!

45 comments:

Tiggerlane said...

Okay - we are supposed to BID on this lot? She's not paying people to get rid of it for her?

I'm so horribly confused. But ass-grapes? Hysterical!

Schmoop said...

That is so very hurtful Tigger, but glad you got a laugh. Cheers!!

Sparky Duck said...

*tucking my wallet away* this lot sounds like an older version of me! I think I may sue for false advertising

Schmoop said...

Well Sparky I didnt expect you to bid other than maybe you wanted to have someone to smoke with on your front porch. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

Well, hell, if I'm gonna bid on a different model than I already have, he sure as hell needs to be a much younger model.

Schmoop said...

Songbird: I am soooo very hurt. After all, it's not the years it's the mileage...okay maybe that's a bad example, but nonetheless!!

Anonymous said...

I already have one of these, and mine doesn't fall asleep in the middle of a crucial activity!! I'll have to pass on this and let some other 'lucky' lady (or man) win!

Desert Songbird said...

And that's precisely my point - the warranty is done and gone. At least with a younger model, there's a chance that the wheels won't fall off...

Schmoop said...

Metalmom: Well, I was just trying to help a mentally unbalanced woman out. I'm sorry that you cant embrace my philanthropical effort. I'm really not that bad. Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Songbird: But I just ordered Enzyte and Cialis. It's like my engine has had an overhaul!!

Anonymous said...

Jesus people, could you throw me freakin bone here???

Desert Songbird said...

Schmoop darlin' - I'd be happy to take him off your hands for a bit. You just need to ship him out here at HIS expense. Parcel post might be just about his speed...

Anonymous said...

Unless I get a better offer, I'll mark the box bio hazardous, please keep refridgerated. Thanks sweetie!

Julie said...

Metalmom "...crucial activity." Oh geez now that was funny. See it's always a matter of weighing the humor in the comments vs. the post!

Now Mattmaniac....I don't know...though you do appear to have an endearing quality or two...geez...having to pay to send you here? I don't think so!

Schmoop---if you really fed up with him....just go pull Vinny out his funk...I'm sure he and his buds can help you out. Besides...I miss Vinny!

Unknown said...

Wow... your blog never fails to inspire in me simultaneous feelings of laughter and nausea.

Schmoop said...

Julie: The Grayhound Bus Line isnt all that expensive.

Allie: HA...I hope you have things going the way in your favor, because you never fail to make laugh. Keep me posted O' Queen of Gouda!!

Durward Discussion said...

Usually window shopping is fun, but the last year's model mannequin wrapped in a curtain sent me to the nearest bar for some heavy drinking.

Schmoop said...

Well the good thing is Jamie, with me, you would have someone to join you!!

Mo and The Purries said...

um,,,,,
I'm changing my paypal password so I'm not so tempted....

Natalia said...

SOLD!

-N

Schmoop said...

Mo: Why thanks for the temptation Mo!!

Nat: You just made my day, let alone Schmoop's. In lieu of a better offer, I dont care if your bid is zero dollars, I am soon on my way...Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Nat, so far you are the highest bidder!!

Natalia said...

*Trying to contain excitement*

-N

Schmoop said...

Nat; Thank you for playing along...

none said...

Truth in advertising...all good :)

Schmoop said...

Hey take me as I am Hammer...

Cinnamon Girl said...

You sound a great deal like my Ex boyfriend :P

Which is not a bad thing as I actually like him. But I am a cradle robber like Desert :P

Desert Songbird said...

Schmoop - I've changed my mind. I say you get your ass on a plane out here to visit me, and make Matt pay for it. You could come this November when the weather is glorious (days in the low 80s, nights in the 50s) or now when we hibernate indoors and walk around in the air conditioned comfort that is home, enjoying lots of frosty drinks.

Whaddaya say?

Anonymous said...

I'm still debating whether your "linguistic" talent outweighs the ass-grapes. But you score big time because of your hygienic practices.

Okay, I'll see what's left over after Natalia's done with you.

Schmoop said...

Starlight: Start buying insurance, I am on my way.

Songbird: Okay now you want Schmoop, whats up with that???

Cinnamon Girl said...

Hehehehe! I work for an insurance co, so I got coverage :P

What we need to do is plan a blog convention. I vote Memphis next summer cause we will get decent BBQ, great music and I am gonna be travelling through anyhow. Then we could have a Cat Walk Auction and see which of you guys earns the most bucks. My money is riding on Bond in those heels right now ;)

Sparky Duck said...

I found some pocket lint

jillie said...

I need to see how much change is in between the couch cushions first!

LOL...you have an uncanning way of making just about everyone laugh ;o)

Unknown said...

ummm... not knowing much here, but just popping my head in (hope you don't mind).... i'd bid last summer's flip flops. maybe i could re-sell you and get some new ones??? =)

i bet you've got a great personality, though.

can i ask... if it's not too intrusive... what is a loosemeat sandwhich? am i just too young here?

Travis Cody said...

I'm all for Schmoop's sanity, but I'm afraid I spent money on furniture today and I don't have any left to bid on strange internet items.

Unknown said...

Uhm... my grandpa taught me not to buy a horse without having a closer look at the dentition. We´re informed about this... but the a$$ grapes make me worry a bit...

Okay, it´s for a good cause! Let´s see. I´ve sold a template today... that was $20, additional Blog Set for $10 makes $30. Went to the grocery, spent 13 Euro, which is about $17.80... bought some flowers for $10.00... Got it! $2.20 left to bid. Formidable, huh?

Spending my whole piggy bank on the Matt-Man... we´re in need of a baby- and dogsitter.

Schmoop - just in case I´ll win this: I don´t have any money left for a ticket to Germnany. UPS might be possible... Does the Matt-Man fit into one of those Cargo boxes? And will there be enough space for a few bottles of WIR? Or do you think we´d need something bigger...? (keyword a$$ grapes)

Desert Songbird said...

The bidding's up to $2.20, huh? Hmmm...okay, I'll go $2.25.

Schmoop said...

Starrlight: Sounds like a good idea, but you have never seen me in a peacock boa!!

Sparky: Cool, I'll trade you my Orange Crush for your pocket lint.

Jillie: Thanks dear!! And please, we do not need to know if you come across any used condoms during your search.

Lala: Glad you stopped and hope you stop by again. A Loosemeat Sandwich is only the most delicious sandwich ever made. I can send you the recipe if you'd like!! Cheers...

Travis: Damn it!! And I was so pulling for you.

Sanni: I knew I could count on you putting up some serious cash. My ass grapes thank you.

Songbird: Ding Ding Ding....SOLD!!

The Boy said...

Is the bidding closed? Dang. I've got £4.28 in my pocket which given the current value of the US dollar is about $1,000,000. Mind you, if I spend that on Matt I can't buy us a couple pints when he shows up. Oh well, biddings closed anyway.

Odat said...

Omg...I missed it...I'm heartbroken! I would have bid $2.50!!!! Damn!
Peace

Lisa Ryan said...

See what happens when I go on vacation? I miss ALL the fun. :-(
Schmoop, I hope you made it out of town...

Schmoop said...

Boy: It is best if you experience me with liquor so you actually won.

Odat: Damn Girl, you are too kind.

Lisa: Yep, you missed out, and unfortunately Schmoop fell far, far short.

Liz Hill said...

And usually it's you falling short there Matty;-)

Smooch

Spicy said...

I'm sure you will get a lot of offers. That post was hilarious! Every woman loves a funny guy who will agree to sleep on the couch and do dishes.
Not me....but I will park you on my side-bar for now.
And yes,,,,,you are funny, but don't let it go to your head.

Spicy said...

Oh crap.....I want everyone to know, that no I am not related to Matt-man.