Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiday so stand me under a ladder and smash a mirror over my head because it is also the dreaded Friday the 13th. Today is not a good day for those who suffer from tirska…um triska…tr…er, the fear of the number 13. Who’s the pretentious bastard that came up with the long name anyway? Hey, if an Indian from Calcutta moves to New York City and he tires of his daily lunch fare, does he try to find a New Deli? Hahahahaha, not bad Matt…Ouch, son of a bitch. I just poked myself in the eye.

Man, it was hilarious (and sad) listening to Bush yesterday speaking about “success” in Iraq and how we are going to win. Holy crap, I think President Head Trauma is fricking delusional. I mean that’s like me thinking I am going to have pool sex with Jessica Alba (or with any woman for that matter) before the end of summer. What a nut. Mmmmmmm cashews, love em’. I have grape Kool-Aid in the fridge, it’s one of the things from my childhood that I still enjoy, along with baseball and masturbation…not at the same time mind you.

One good thing about this war is that is have given me a new pick up line. The administration wants time to “execute the surge”. I am going to use that on the ladies this weekend. “Hey baby, wanna come home with me and let me execute the surge. I promise to execute a timely pull out as well.” Woo Hoo, who’s your daddy? It’s Matt-Man bitch!! Don’t tell me I’m not a smooth operator. Lalalalalalala.

My son leaves for Chicago today. The little dude better come back with a Culver’s Butter Burger for me. I took him to lunch yesterday. The boy is a pig!! I watched in disbelief at the rapidity of which he ate. He just looked at me and said, “Hey, hunger gets, what hunger wants.” Atta Boy!!

I am just so relieved to know that Miss New Jersey gets to keep her crown. Who wouldn’t want the lofty title of “Miss New Jersey”? We have a similar title in our town, it’s called, “Miss West End Cum Dumpster”. Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, is she sober yet? “Family values” Senator David Vitter got busted for using escort services and visiting brothels. I guess he was not only working inside the beltway, he was working below the beltway. Hey, I don’t care if the dude is having sex with Swedish midgets, just don’t get on the Senate floor and lecture us about the sanctity of marriage while it is going on. Asshole.

Life is a cabaret, old chum…come to the cabaret. Show tunes…really? Blogging is such a chore. Maybe I will give it up altogether. Of course if I did that, my friends would have to listen to my rants on a daily basis. I may be a ginormous asshole, but I just can’t allow myself to do that. I would rather put that unseemly burden on my readers. Whew, do I have to pee. That grape Kool-Aid and vodka is going right through me. I’d like to stay and stream longer with you but the dam is about to break.

Enjoy your weekend folks, spend it executing a surge. See you sometime this weekend. Cheers!!